• Beneath Another Man
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  • Redlady
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Beneath Another Man
on: April 17, 2020, 16:24:49
This is lyric only. No demo yet. Open to collaboration or rewrite.  Open to music  if you want to collaborate.   I know I need more rhymes and this is a rough draft. How is my storytelling and how does it make you feel?  I am trying to put a positive spin one this---help please.

Beneath Another Man
Schantell Wharton 2020

V1
At the job they call me miss innocent
I refuse to give my body to just any man
Just because a man takes me on a date
I am not opening my legs to mate
All I want is good conversation
not a great big heartache
I don't want to find myself
Beneath another man--2x

Ch
I don't want to find myself
Beneath another man
He would have shared my body
He would have gotten into my head
and I would be one of his hobbies
I'd remember his touch, his feel
I would think  the love was real
I don't want to find myself
Beneath another man--2x


V2
My girls tell me to get over heat break
Is too start again with another man
This sounds crazy but here I go again
Maybe this time will be different
He will not want me to  give him my body
My mind and personality are his interest
I don't want to find myself
Beneath another man--2x

Bridge:
My body is a holy temple
I am not giving it to any man
I am a queen to be worshipped

Ch
I don't want to find myself
Beneath another man
He would have shared my body
He would have gotten into my head
and I would be one of his hobbies
I'd remember his touch, his feel
I don't want to find myself
Beneath another man--2x



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Re: Beneath Another Man
Reply #1 on: April 17, 2020, 22:52:23
Hi @Redlady

I like your lyrics. I think you expressed the inner conflict quite well.
The chorus seemes  a bit long, but  i rather should  hear how you would  like to sing it.

Maybe you  could consider to turn the bridge into a chorus? Because if you ask me the 'I'  should shout out more often to be a queen who has to be treated like that!  ;)

I like this lines most! They made me smile  ;) :ok:
Quote
My girls tell me to get over heat break
Is too start again with another man


Re: Beneath Another Man
Reply #2 on: April 17, 2020, 23:01:35
Hi @Redlady  .... great concept I think.
The chorus still needs a little something still but it's almost there.   :)
2nd verse is real good.
1st verse makes me blush .... idk .... maybe with one of them tough female rapper it would be right on.
That's just me and my puritannical roots. :-\
I can imagine it being a really good song.  :)
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


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Re: Beneath Another Man
Reply #3 on: April 18, 2020, 07:04:48
Friend of mine always half-jokes that:

The best way to get over a man
is under the next

If this is any help for you, use it!
It's more compact, I think.
@Redlady
Kind regards, Gus


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Re: Beneath Another Man
Reply #4 on: April 18, 2020, 15:32:35
Hi  Gus

Thanks for the comment.

RE: Friend of mine always half-jokes that:

The best way to get over a man
is under the next

I will take that into consideration in the rewrite.

Happy writing
Schantell--Redlady


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Re: Beneath Another Man
Reply #5 on: April 18, 2020, 15:38:23
HI Bill from November Sound 
RE: Hi @Redlady  .... great concept I think.
The chorus still needs a little something still but it's almost there.   :)
2nd verse is real good.
1st verse makes me blush .... idk .... maybe with one of them tough female rapper it would be right on.
That's just me and my puritannical roots. :-\
I can imagine it being a really good song

Thank you for commenting.  And thank you for liking the lyric,


Hi MO
RE:
 like your lyrics. I think you expressed the inner conflict quite well.
The chorus seems  a bit long, but  i rather should  hear how you would  like to sing it.

Maybe you  could consider to turn the bridge into a chorus? Because if you ask me the 'I'  should shout out more often to be a queen who has to be treated like that!  ;)

I like this lines most! They made me smile.

Thanks for commenting on the lyric.  You have given me a lot to rethink on the rewrite.
and thanks for liking the lyric.

Happy writing
Schantell--Redlady



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