Author Topic: Can you see what my lyrics are missing? :: Just A Game by iiviivix.  (Read 231 times)

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Offline iiviivix

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https://soundcloud.com/iiviivix/in-progress-just-a-game

I am quite happy with the lyrics, but I know its missing something - if you can see what it is, I would to hear from you. Your suggestions on how I could tighten these up a bit would definitely help me become better with lyrics that match my flow.

Probably one of the most complicated rhyming scheme yet lol. See much of a pattern below? no? lol.

//LYRICS
 
ii, v, ii, v, i, x

it's next to you - got to see which way that the days effects you.
Its your fault, you play with the fire.
Don't let you consult from the stage,
and I won't expect you for results of fame.

I find,
 
You know the game, its encasings?
You on the grind with the crime with your face in it.
Ah whats this phase of this grazing?
You fight so ya sipping on something champagne.
Hope is on the rise so amazing, so I roll my dice in soul gazing.
Don't rip and rape in this craze that we're made in.
We look at y'all sipping on tea, snipping down trees,
whipping out fee's, sitting at bars, wishing your free, clicking in cars,
Watching what your saying so what your saying's current and hot,
stopping at noth' to getting the green to end up finally on tv...

What I want to say is that I don't want to do it like you.
So drop the clay, fasten it again with tape.
Your flow is on the run but it only runs to lakes.
So find soul. Break & run.
You'll be on your way,
breaking rules of rhyme don't know where you'll end up one day.
 
//CHORUS
Who's one to say that playing by the game, is?
I don't complain cus' lifes already craziest,
without a race of playing cards to famous.
No publicist to look over what I say next:
We're all breeding more, eating more, we face suicide...
(wow - this is the chorus!)
Trivial pursuit in the room full of suits, I think I'll wait outside.
(sure)
 
Who's one to say that playing by the game, is?
I don't complain cus lifes already craziest.
without a race of playing cards to famous
I hold the Ace, the joker, fifty five prevokes you

so,
fly me away,
dial me today,
any time of the day,
ready to create,
so,
fly me away,
add more clay,
you can't play
and create,
when its dry man,

Who's one to say that playing by the game, is?
I don't complain cus' life's already craziest,
without a race of playing cards to famous.
No publicist to look over what I say next:
We're all breeding more, eating more, we face suicide...
Trivial pursuit in the room full of suits, I think I'll wait outside
/iiviivix

Vocal Melodiest | Rapper, Singer, Songwriter.

Listen to my SoundCloud Playground : www.soundcloud.com/iiviivix

First of my trilogy demo album collection now available on Spotify, search love&life by iiviivix

My Kitchen Me: https://www.songwriter-forum-kitchen.com/forum/me/1/iiviivix-the-10-paragraphs-of-the-artist-known-as/3367/

Offline oorlab

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Re: Can you see what my lyrics are missing? :: Just A Game by iiviivix.
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2018, 00:00:39 »
sounds cool! what could be missing. Mix sounds fine, balanced and smooth.
"stopping at noth' to getting the green to end up finally on tv..." - flows well
may be some autotune on the chors - just for the heck of it
recommending https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_Music_Works "How music works", book by David Byrne.

Offline Leonard Scaper

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Re: Can you see what my lyrics are missing? :: Just A Game by iiviivix.
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2018, 10:26:49 »
I think your phrasing and cadence are excellent and I love how you take the rap into song now and then. The whole thing is very good although it felt like there might be a bit too much high frequency in the vocals.....that's probably just my perception and I know you weren't asking about that.

One other thing.....I kept reading and hearing this lyric;

Who's one to say that playing by the game, is?

....as Who's one to say what playing by the game, is?
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680


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