• D for Desolation (REVISED) Critique requested
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« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 06:38:47 by DonMar »
I forget what led to the lyric, but I liked the image of a guitarist battling heartbreak, and keeping the neighbours awake and angry while he pours his pain into his songs.
 
V2 line 3 is a reference to a quotation that goes something like 'To offer a man friendship when love is in his heart is like offering a loaf of bread to someone who is dying of thirst.'
The word 'anodyne' might not be familiar to everyone. It means anaesthetic, something to numb pain.

Uptempo; male vocals.

My collaborator already has a good chord sequence worked out for the chorus, but I wanted to post the lyric for feedback in case there are places in the other areas that might need tweaking. I've been fiddling with it for too long, and need fresh eyes to take a look.

Thanks!  :)


D for Desolation

Intro
Neighbours banging on my door
Claim the walls are shaking
But I ignore and just play on
It keeps my heart from breaking
Now the girl has gone
 
V1
I would stop if I could
For the music is pain
But I long for the fever
Of passion again
…I thought that my love
Could enfold her
 
Pre-chorus
Now every minor chord I strum
Is an anodyne to keep me numb
 
Chorus
F…for finding out the truth
A…for all I stood to lose
C...for crying countless tears
E…for facing empty years
...And in between, D for desolation.
 
V2
They conjure a face
I won't ever forget
When I begged her for water
She offered me bread
…I knew then I never
Could hold her
 
Pre-chorus
Now every minor chord I strum
Is an anodyne to keep me numb
 
Chorus
F…for finding out the truth
A…for all I stood to lose
C...for crying countless tears
E…for facing empty years
...And in between, D for desolation.
 
Bridge
My fingers bleed across the strings
My voice is hoarse from howling
She broke the dream, my icy queen
My once, but no more, darling
 
Chorus
F…for finding out the truth
A…for all I stood to lose
C...for crying countless tears
E…for facing empty years
...And in between, D for desolation.
 
© Donna Devine
Honour the earth. Without It, we'd be nowhere. - D.D.


Re: D for Desolation (REVISED) Critique requested
Reply #1 on: May 19, 2019, 00:33:07
Hi @DonMar

I like everything about the lyrics and I think the song can be very good.  :)

The only thing is this line:  "Is an anodyne to keep me numb"
It seems a little bit awkward to me when I read it out loud.

If you like the way it flows, of course, keep it that way.

The F , A , C , E  … but in between D? …. that's pretty cool …. it really makes me think, puts me off balance ….. you know, in a good way.

-11 ::Note::   
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


Re: D for Desolation (REVISED) Critique requested
Reply #2 on: July 05, 2019, 06:11:22
I forget what led to the lyric, but I liked the image of a guitarist battling heartbreak, and keeping the neighbours awake and angry while he pours his pain into his songs.
 
V2 line 3 is a reference to a quotation that goes something like 'To offer a man friendship when love is in his heart is like offering a loaf of bread to someone who is dying of thirst.'
The word 'anodyne' might not be familiar to everyone. It means anaesthetic, something to numb pain.

Uptempo; male vocals.

My collaborator already has a good chord sequence worked out for the chorus, but I wanted to post the lyric for feedback in case there are places in the other areas that might need tweaking. I've been fiddling with it for too long, and need fresh eyes to take a look.

Thanks!  :)


D for Desolation

Intro
Neighbours banging on my door
Claim the walls are shaking
But I ignore and just play on
It keeps my heart from breaking
Now the girl has gone
 
V1
I would stop if I could
For the music is pain
But I long for the fever
Of passion again
…I thought that my love
Could enfold her
 
Pre-chorus
Now every minor chord I strum
Is an anodyne to keep me numb
 
Chorus
F…for finding out the truth
A…for all I stood to lose
C...for crying countless tears
E…for facing empty years
...And in between, D for desolation.
 
V2
They conjure a face
I won't ever forget
When I begged her for water
She offered me bread
…I knew then I never
Could hold her
 
Pre-chorus
Now every minor chord I strum
Is an anodyne to keep me numb
 
Chorus
F…for finding out the truth
A…for all I stood to lose
C...for crying countless tears
E…for facing empty years
...And in between, D for desolation.
 
Bridge
My fingers bleed across the strings
My voice is hoarse from howling
She broke the dream, my icy queen
My once, but no more, darling
 
Chorus
F…for finding out the truth
A…for all I stood to lose
C...for crying countless tears
E…for facing empty years
...And in between, D for desolation.
 
© Donna Devine
.

Good lyrics overalll.. successfuly tells the story. I especially like the  dangling line at the end  of each verse. Tricky meter... for a harmonic progression... but it could effective.

 I wouldn’t stick with anodyne... if you have to explain it then it’s probably not working. I would substitute “is a sedative...”

I might be missing the point of the hook. I love the line “And in between, D for desolation.” but I can’t quite successfully connect it to FACE?  Especially given the word “between.”  Are you alluding to “faced desolation?” If so... it’s a good hook.... Maybe it needs a verse that sets that up? I dunno... maybe I’m just missing something?

I hope this helps


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Re: D for Desolation (REVISED) Critique requested
Reply #3 on: July 16, 2019, 09:26:03
These words have a great rhythm to them @DonMar and I like the idea of the guitarist trying to play away the pain.

I had two immediate thoughts which have also been raised by @Bill from November Sound and 1roomstudio.

I wasn't sure about "anodyne" - it's a nice word but I was wondering if something like "drug" or better  1room's suggestion "sedative". But that's a small point.

But I was puzzled by the "in between D" line - as it didn't seem to fit (literally) between those letters to create a word.

The bridge is very strong - really like how that reads and it will sound great sung.

cheers



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