Day of Hail

Hello,
when it comes over me, it comes over me and I have to let it out.
I just did a poem that maybe will be the start of another song and i thought i may could share this process.
Any kinds of thoughts are welcome.



Day of Hail

The last sunlight breakes in the golden letters
As the old circus wagon takes the last turn
You try to let it doesn't matter
That memories strikes now and  let old wounds burn.

Clear view to the window
Where your mother happily waves
In the house of grandpa
Who died of cancer
You lived in with your eternally drunk father
Who beat you
Until he early met the grave too!

Remember the day of hail!

When the sky turned to terrifying black
And suddenly shot down its frozen bullets
Destroyed grandpas wooden shed with no way back
Where he had  raised his beloved pullets.

Remember the day of hail!

When the sky turned to terrifying black
And suddenly shot down its frozen clumps
Pierced the body of your mums car with no way back
She cried an called  you an unbearable chump


For long it brought her to sunday church
And you parked it there after allday worn-out work


Remember next day of hail!

She kicked you out, couldn't stop scream
You left town just packed this small embarassing dream
A friendly sun melted the icy clumps that watered the seeds
Stowed  by grandpa in his garden shed


Now you stop and lift a hand for a greet
Your mother shows impressed
By your glittering fancy artist dress
Indeed it is as  colorful and bright
Like  the  blooms stretched towards the light
Now at the place of grandpas old garden shed.

wow...  @Mo , i think it is really good

very harsch lines, but really very awesome

it reads to me, like great songwriting
and very honest...

in my mind
very, very nice and pretty writing  on an extremely difficult subject   

 

@Mo

just to be sure, i would like to collaborate on these lyrics very much

but  i can also understand  that you don't want to collaborate with me again 

oh and...
 it is good that you let it out

You make me blush and speechless by your fast respond....

(continued via PM)

Hi @Mo
amazing lyrics …  tough … strong ….. very black and white or sepia tone imagery … kind of the way the beginning of The Wizard of Oz looks to a frightened little one.
Very real.


A couple of quick things to help with English for you -

Who beated you

  - should just be - "Who beat you"

shooted down it frozen bullets

- should be - "shot down its frozen bullets"


Anyway, I'm amazed with your abilities.  I just try to help when I can.

-11

@Bill from November Sound  I feel highly rewarded when could manage to have you accompany me in this little story. And yes i gratefully  want take your help with the english language, thank you!

I also aware that there are still several points left that would need to rework more if want have the  lines singable. After i slept about one night i thought to ask you or any other native english speaker if i may wipe out some 'the' or 'a' within the lyrics?
I mean in german  an artikel before a noun is a must, but maybe just could miss in english language?

F.e.  "Like  the blooms stretched towards the light"

Yes @Mo you can remove the articles there.
Blooms stretched toward light.   - is good
Blooms stretched toward the light  - might be better


Yes it seems to me that English doesn't require as many articles. I was just talking to @LePlongeur about this (who is so kind to put up with my many questions) where in languages like Spanish or French there is an article in front and then the article changes depending on whether or not the inanimate object..... is masculine or feminine? Oh boy. 
See, I love languages. I'm not good at them. I love them nonetheless. 

Thats great advice Bill! Thx 

I agree languages are such great keyes unfortuantely I also started pretty late with trying other languages.
Even i had english subject in school for many years i only was able to read but  can't speak or write  it well until an american friend of mine taught me more within chats and i just started to speak three years ago while  doing  some trips to the USA recently. That pushed me  in the right direction.
I also agree, articles in german ( maybe dutch also?) most tricky followed by the romanic languages as french, spain and italian, i guess! 

Hi @Mo

I'm also not good at languages. When I'm in Germany my accent is soooo bad they speak English with me (I think they appreciate the effort). I have found out that no matter where I am, I know enough that I'm not gonna starve.

As for your lyrics, I'm just wondering how it would be if you took out the "you" and placed yourself ( I ) in the lyric  for example I did this I felt that.
Or tell a story, He/She did that,  Instead of you did this and you felt that.

Vince

ha @Vince interesting ...to make the you, into I in the lyrics...

when i read the lyrics in a way i thought, you, but especially the "She"'s  was the person who wrote the lyrics....so, the I...
like she / her was sort of watching it, or looks back on it now...
i mean, it worked for me that way

but luckily... we have @Mo who wrote the lyrics... to tell more about it

if she wants,
i like the lyrics a lot, and we / She @Mo and I / me .... are trying to make a collab song from this...keep the input coming @fellow-kitchenauts and @thanks @Bill from November Sound and @Vince for the feedback on the lyrics   

Hey, cool, I like those kind of discussions thank you for the input @Vince !

The story is a fiction so basically it can change into anything else then 'you'  and indeed its interesting idea to change the 'you' .  May I ask you back why do you got this thought? I really would like to know.

I think  @Dutchbeat got it mostly right that the narrator is something/ someone who watches the situation ( back) and is very close to the 'you'' figure. The circumstances rather are too privacy as someone would narrate this about hisself  ( when do  in 'I' ) So there is a  little distance that provide the  ability to  scratch  those sensitive things like that ( for the listener) .

In my mind the person is male but that doesn't matter... everybody can have own imagines about because the 'you' lets it open.
The figure itself ,  btw isn't the main thing what is the story about, from that point i agree to tell it with 'he' could work  fine also but would create  a  far wider distance between the narrator, the figure and the circumstances.  But yes, I will think about if there is a significant difference or not. Maybe it would be easier to sing....

@Mo  &  @Dutchbeat

It just seemed to me when I was reading this that "you" is a conversation between two people and that you were writing about what the the person knew already and weren't really giving them any new information. I just thought changing it to he or she would turn it into a story that you and also the listeners were observing through your lyrics.

Or maybe getting in touch with your own feelings and placing yourself in the story.  But that may make it too personal. Not to worry though, people who listen to my songs probably think I'm a sad & depressed individual, when in reality I'm a happy - go - lucky kind of guy. I really don't know most of the time where my songs come from.

Vince

Thank you so much, I think I get this! Good explain!

@Mo  &  @Dutchbeat


Or maybe getting in touch with your own feelings and placing yourself in the story.  But that may make it too personal. Not to worry though, people who listen to my songs probably think I'm a sad & depressed individual, when in reality I'm a happy - go - lucky kind of guy. I really don't know most of the time where my songs come from.

Vince

O hell, yeah I vividly can imagine how most people just won't get this point right that there is just  a alter ego in a  fictive story  and not  a chapter of your  own life. Exactly I think when I  would choos the 'I' same will happen!  But I see also the  interesting challenge  to perform a song  in the 'I' style.

Thank you so much, I think I get this! Good explain!

@Mo  &  @Dutchbeat


Or maybe getting in touch with your own feelings and placing yourself in the story.  But that may make it too personal. Not to worry though, people who listen to my songs probably think I'm a sad & depressed individual, when in reality I'm a happy - go - lucky kind of guy. I really don't know most of the time where my songs come from.

Vince

O hell, yeah I vividly can imagine how most people just won't get this point right that there is just  a alter ego in a  fictive story  and not  a chapter of your  own life. Exactly I think when I  would choos the 'I' same will happen!  But I see also the  interesting challenge  to perform a song  in the 'I' style.

It largely depends on what kind of 'i' you will opt for.
The autobiographical I tells a story about the things that happened to the writer. Or the mood the writer is in. Often whining, cries for attention and full of self pity.

I exaggerate on purpose!! Don't get angry please.

The writer wants me to pay to listen to things, a psychiatrist is schooled for. And - in all honesty - normally you would have to pay the psychiatrist to make him/her want to listen to your down and out stories. So why I would have to pay for being the audience is a mystery to me.

The other kind of 'I' lead to biographical stories. I posted Michael McGough in 'Café'  where he says to aspiring poets that empathy is of key importance. And that is absolutely the mail on the head.

It is the biographical narration; the kind of approach I use myself. More often than not these stories are about the human condition. Thank you God for the imperfect people, with only perfect people life would be unbearable. Tedious. And dangerous too, because I would be the only one not perfect.

I will PM you about an easily to do at home method to improve the control you have and need over your breathing. Breathing controlled, is key to anything you sing.
Please tell us, how we can help you along. So far you've had more than enough positive reactions to convince you of your worth. And you're worth a lot, I mean @Mo
To be continued.......
Kind regards, Gus

You always do you points in a way that are easily to understand for me  and what is very educationaly  @LePlongeur 
I already had watched your postings about Michael McGough in 'Café' before.

The other kind of 'I' lead to biographical stories.
It is the biographical narration; the kind of approach I use myself.

I still wonder if this  could mean to narrate with 'he' also then , as we discussed above?

Please tell us, how we can help you along.

Honestly, i really don't know, what this could be for now. As you mentioned i already feel very very good fertilized to let the new branch growing.
Wether I want have you think i seeking for' personal ' attention  nor i want strain the generosity of kitcheneers to much. For me the kitchen is a gift and 'i m going  and willing to pay back to it in the way i able too. I don't want have the loan to raise high.

So, dear Gus Sensei,  lets stat, the first step for me is done and you helped me  nicley to get my tools together that i may can rely to.... and now i want nothing else then learning more through practizing this tools.. For now.  And then we see what is the next station for a hold.
For this reason  I'm  very thankful about @Dutchbeat 's spontaneously offer to collab  with me, it will work good and I going to enjoy this practicing that i can't do with live playing