• Day of Hail
  • Started by Mo
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Re: Day of Hail
Reply #15 on: April 17, 2020, 15:08:51
Letís take the Beatles song: youkre gonna lose that  girl as an example.

And weíre storytellers, right?
The form defines the point (or person) you start your story with.

I (autobiographical) have lost the girl. I am depressed and have not been out of bed for days.
I seem to embrace my inability to cope with the situation and donít know why she has left me. I am oblivious of what went on, have missed all the signs that she was not happy, messed up big time and - in general - am not even ashamed to messed up big time. That I have made the girl miserable is of course not my fault. As a rule I am aware of the situation long after all the points to better it have turned into points of no return.

Itís a passive form. You have to wait for something to happen.

I (biographical) feel deeply for the people involved I am closely related to them or feel at least a lot of empathy. But I can take a small step to shine a light on the situation from different angles, thus highlighting different aspects that have led or will lead to the situation.

This form will give you more freedom. Past tense, present tense, itís up to you to chose. Happy end.? Open end? Itís all up to you.

And an open form. We can make up a story canít we?

The you form is happening more or less out of the influence of the storyteller. Up to a point where the school yard bully comes around youíre gonna lose that girl! Yes, yes your gonna looooooooooose that girl. Ha, ha, ha.

But whatever point of view or starting point you chose, keep a close look on the story line. Is it congruent? Is present tense and past tense logical? Do I have a good separation of you and her, for instance? When  in doubt, give your subject a name. If your subject is called Andy, you are less likely to mix up the story.

But please remember, you are the captain on your ship. Nobodyís gonna tell you what to do or what not to do. And the most beautiful flowers grow near the edge of the abyss.
Now that you are discovering your own unique style, I hope you will never stop.
Kind regards, Gus


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Re: Day of Hail
Reply #16 on: May 19, 2020, 02:28:05
Just want mention, @Dutchbeat and me won't make this song unfortunately.
But  most probably an exciting other one.... ::thumb::


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Re: Day of Hail
Reply #17 on: May 19, 2020, 07:08:58
Thatís a pity @Mo
But I hope you will plough on (as the farmers do) because I am convinced you will dig up more worth while songs and lyrics.
And I am not the only fan of yours around here. Donít let it discourage you please!

A pat on the shoulder from Gus


Re: Day of Hail
Reply #18 on: May 23, 2020, 19:56:49
Beautiful story telling @Mo  and strikingly clear imagery. Iíve read all of the thread and there are many great suggestions... this song is off to a great start and will, no doubt,  be amazing.

My small contribution is a little bit about English and more about a lesson I keep learning about song writing... there are a few  quirky things in your lyrics ... because itís not your native language... but the imagery is so strong it almost doesnít matter... almost... you are in good hands with the other members helping, so those quirks will be smoothed out.

What I keep learning, on every song I write,  ... once you have the story and the imagery... start removing words. Yes articles are the first to go, they are rarely important... but also look for other words that are just fillers (for example... that last sentence could be ďlose fillersĒ bad example... but you get my point.) 💁

You will find that simply by looking for words that can be removed, the imagery will be stronger... the story will be more universal and most, maybe all, of the language quirks will go away on their own. Sometimes a whole line will be replaced with a better... shorter line.

You will also find it easier to sing, and lavish emotion on the important words and phrases.


Itís a great example of ďLess is MoreĒ

I hope this helps. Looking forward to hearing this song come to life!


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Re: Day of Hail
Reply #19 on: May 23, 2020, 20:15:36
« Last Edit: May 23, 2020, 21:00:58 by Mo »
Aww, thank you very much for your help @1roomstudio !
I think ,i know exactly where you're talking about and yes you totally right to try it again to do it with less words.

I just want mention here, that it already wasn'tt easy to press that, what i rather want tell ,  into small frame ;D
Ii read again and again and thought i couldn't drop any line.... .....but maybe the words as you recommend.

When i tried  a start with  @Dutchbeat i reworked them abit more and could make them fit to the rythm and mood of song he suggested me.  I did the vocals already but we both realized somehow that this song rather had a loooot of words for the style that probably  would turn out at the end.
This poem is somehow important to me and wouln't liked it very much if too much chopped away to obay just music view.
So we simply decided to do something other together and since this the song is on 'ice' 

Not sure how i could go on yet with it, i thought  ic ould try own synths maybe  somewhen, but I'm rather such  a dilettant with that and it could be happens that i would bother myself LOL . So, I don't know yet  hgow thos will go on but for sure!!! it is on the agenda - just a question of time probably.


Here is what i reworked to fit the rythm, but yes i need to try shorten more though, I 'll try it again, thank you for point it out too. the foreign language for sure is the highest obstacle, i imagine the english words rather more as 'slang'  here and there but this, unfortunately isn't on my plate to do in a way i would feel 'sure' about... I think...   but nice challenge anyway and I#m not hurry with.. :D

Day of Hail

Last sunlight breakes in the golden letters
As the old circus wagon takes last turn
You try to let it doesn't matter
That memories strikes now and let old wounds burn.

Clear view to the open window
Where happily your mother waves
In the house of grandpa
Who died of cancer
You lived in with your ever drunk father
Who beat you
Until he early met the grave too

Remember the day of hail!

When the sky turned to terrifying black
And suddenly shot down its frozen bullets
Destroyed grandpa's wooden shed with no way back
Where he'd raised his beloved pullets.

Remember the day of hail!

When the sky turned to terrifying black
And suddenly shot down its frozen clumps
Pierced the body of your mum's car  to a wrack
She cried an called you an unbearable chump

For long it brought her
to sunday church
And you parked it there
after allday worn-out work

Remember next day of hail!

She kicked you out, couldn't stop scream
You'd left town just packed this small akward dream
while sun melted the icy clumps that watered the seeds
Stowed by grandpa in his garden shed

Now you stop and raise a hand to greet
Mum shows impressed
By your glittering fancy artist dress.
Indeed it is as colorful and bright
Like  blooms stretch towards the light
Now at the place of grandpa's old garden shed.




Re: Day of Hail
Reply #20 on: Yesterday at 19:20:49
I know the feeling... sometimes a piece can be overworked and lose some of its original spark. Saving earlier copies allows going back... but then itís somehow not the same... doubt and confusion sets in.

Iíve learned (slowly over time) that if Iím not excited and inspired while developing a piece.... best to give it a rest.... a month... maybe a year... it will call to me in its own time.

Itís a strong piece you have there @Mo ... it can wait for that last bit of polish that will make it soar! ✨



xx
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