Author Topic: Every Word Is A Mask  (Read 210 times)

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Offline Rightly

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Every Word Is A Mask
« on: July 24, 2018, 19:57:15 »
This is the first lyric draft
Of a new lumpy song.

Nietzsche gave me two lines.
I suppose it comes from a dark place... Enjoy.

The last ones were less ambitious.
What do you think?




Every Word Is A Mask
__________________

I cannot part the sea                 
Or even turn the tides                 
I know you will not listen to me
With my history of lies                 
Let the valleys hold my tears     
Should the mountain prick my eyes   

Let the valleys hold my tears 
 I can't even turn the tides         

I think it should be said         
We could have stolen more     
Modesty was never validated       
Not now n' ne'er before               
Avarice, tried and tested               
Tartuffery has no allure             

Avarice, tried and tested                 
We should have made off with more   

Opinions are hideouts           
Ev'ry word is a mask                     
'does not belong to me, I disown it 
 Insist n' I will retract                           
 Take back the love that was lent         
Salvation is under attack

 Take back the love that was lent   
Every word is a mask             

Opinions are hideouts         
Ev'ry word is a mask

_____________________

Rightly.



What Fun!
I'm hungover.

Offline Leonard Scaper

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2018, 20:55:27 »
I like these lyrics a lot. Here are a couple of comments:

Let the valleys hold my tears 
 I can't even turn the tides 
  When you say you can't even turn the tides it implies that you should be able to do so. Perhaps.....If I can't turn the tides

Tartuffery.....fantastic word. Can't wait to see how it works in song.
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680

Offline Zedd

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2018, 21:41:04 »

Hi @Rightly - I really like these words.


A few things struck me but they are more personal preferences rather than corrections.


Modesty was never validated - I think I'd say "valued" rather than "validated" - I know the meaning is different so it might not work for you but I like the sound and meaning better there.


Not now n' ne'er before - is that abbreviated not now and never before? I would say "Not now and not before" but that again is more a style thing and how it work better for me singing it (but then my phrasing can be a bit odd).


I'd use "loaned" rather than "lent" - again it's more a sound / singing thing.


Look forward to hearing it put to music!


K

This is the first lyric draft
Of a new lumpy song.

Nietzsche gave me two lines.
I suppose it comes from a dark place... Enjoy.

The last ones were less ambitious.
What do you think?




Every Word Is A Mask
__________________

I cannot part the sea                 
Or even turn the tides                 
I know you will not listen to me
With my history of lies                 
Let the valleys hold my tears     
Should the mountain prick my eyes   

Let the valleys hold my tears 
 I can't even turn the tides         

I think it should be said         
We could have stolen more     
Modesty was never validated       
Not now n' ne'er before               
Avarice, tried and tested               
Tartuffery has no allure             

Avarice, tried and tested                 
We should have made off with more   

Opinions are hideouts           
Ev'ry word is a mask                     
'does not belong to me, I disown it 
 Insist n' I will retract                           
 Take back the love that was lent         
Salvation is under attack

 Take back the love that was lent   
Every word is a mask             

Opinions are hideouts         
Ev'ry word is a mask

_____________________

Rightly.



What Fun!
I'm hungover.

Offline Bill from November Sound

Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2018, 03:10:16 »
Hello @Rightly ... karma coins sent your way for these splendid lyrics!  :)
@Leonard Scaper  and @Zedd  have offered fine suggestions at this point.
I'm concerned about someone singing "modesty was never validated" although I like the sound of the prose. I fear the "choppiness" of those words. I'd have to hear it sung, I suppose.
"Tartuffery" is a wonderful word but most English speakers will not know what it means. I had to look it up therefore "hypocrisy" may be better?  Everyone will know what it means but maybe you want everyone to have to head to the dictionary.  :)
Nice job!
-11 ::Note::
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

Offline LePlongeur

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2018, 11:25:10 »
Letís see if you can handle some humor, @Rightly !
Are you sure it wasnít Jack Nitzche?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Nitzsche

He had much more to do with music than the other old fart.

And @Leonard Scaper
Yesterday on the 8 oíclock news:
The Dutch have reversed the flow of (the river) Leidse Rijn to prevent salt water from the sea from flowing in.
We are having a very dry spell in the NL. Dryer than the summer of 1976. Which was the hottest and driest since we started watching the weather.

So if we can reverse the flow of a river, who says the Germans canít reverse the tide?
Anyway...., nice lyrics Rightly!
Kind regards, Gus

Offline Leonard Scaper

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2018, 12:27:41 »
So if we can reverse the flow of a river, who says the Germans canít reverse the tide?

Could happen, Gus. But I have always thought of the tide as one of those forces of nature that puts us squarely in our place......we could just as soon stop the sun from rising.  ;) :) 8)

Offline Rightly

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2018, 15:43:04 »
Letís see if you can handle some humor, @Rightly !
Are you sure it wasnít Jack Nitzche?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Nitzsche

He had much more to do with music than the other old fart.

And @Leonard Scaper
Yesterday on the 8 oíclock news:
The Dutch have reversed the flow of (the river) Leidse Rijn to prevent salt water from the sea from flowing in.
We are having a very dry spell in the NL. Dryer than the summer of 1976. Which was the hottest and driest since we started watching the weather.

So if we can reverse the flow of a river, who says the Germans canít reverse the tide?
Anyway...., nice lyrics Rightly!
Kind regards, Gus

nietzsche didn't live long enough to become an old fart

I'm not german, i live in germany though

Offline Rightly

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2018, 08:40:32 »
after some pruning
ithink it's better tightened up


Every Word Is A Mask



I cannot part the sea
or even turn the tides
I know you will not listen to me
with my history of lies
let the valleys hold my tears
should the mountain prick my eyes

I think it should be said
we could have stolen more
modesty was never validated
not now n' ne'er before
avarice, tried and tested
tartuffery holds no allure

should Miss Andry get married?
we should have taken more

opinions are hideouts
ev'ry word is a mask
'does not belong to me, I disown it
insist n' I will retract
take back the love that was lent
salvation is under attack

opinions are hideouts and
every word is a mask


_______________________________

rightly
« Last Edit: August 08, 2018, 17:48:33 by Rightly »

Offline Leonard Scaper

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2018, 10:32:57 »
I think what you have done with these is very good. It feels as though the lyrics have coalesced into a song now. I went back and listened to the first song you posted, Walk Without Shame, so I could hear your style again and these lyrics feel like an excellent fit.

I hope you'll be tracking soon.....looking forward to the song.

Offline Rightly

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2018, 17:50:10 »
Hello @Rightly ... karma coins sent your way for these splendid lyrics!  :)
@Leonard Scaper  and @Zedd  have offered fine suggestions at this point.
I'm concerned about someone singing "modesty was never validated" although I like the sound of the prose. I fear the "choppiness" of those words. I'd have to hear it sung, I suppose.
"Tartuffery" is a wonderful word but most English speakers will not know what it means. I had to look it up therefore "hypocrisy" may be better?  Everyone will know what it means but maybe you want everyone to have to head to the dictionary.  :)
Nice job!
-11 ::Note::

Choppiness worked for Dylan, both commercially and artistically.
I can follow suit, and even go one better.
Tartuffery is a new word for me too. I like learning new words, 'makes me smarter.
So it'll stay. I'm that generous.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2018, 21:33:08 by Rightly »

Offline MrBouzouki

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Re: Every Word Is A Mask
« Reply #10 on: August 08, 2018, 17:11:03 »
It's great to see you own these lyric now. Looking forward to hearing the song.

 ::OSMAN:: ::OSMAN:: ::OSMAN::

"Love and Life is all about connections"


xx
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