Author Topic: fallen tears and hardened hearts  (Read 71 times)

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Offline tuff bransch

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fallen tears and hardened hearts
« on: June 12, 2018, 18:49:55 »
Hi! im looking for feedback on a lyric. its pretty abstract and
theres an early recording to put it in context a little.
so i wonder if something is wrong or sounds wierd .. yes!

https://soundcloud.com/tuffbranschrecords/fallen-tears-and-hardened-hearts

>theres a battle rolling in the night                     
>with a weakened friendship on the line                           
>im ruling out every reason to deny youre swaying out           
>into waters deeper than the lines your carving                           
>did you see when the lights went out                             
>twinkeled like a broken satellite

>if i let my wepons to the ground                             
>would your heartbeat ever come alive
>were in limbo no matter how we try im in a                   
>way an observer waiting on a worn out shoulder                 
>in an equilibrium                                           
>i can only think of fading lights but still youre on my mind                                   

>and if i got to hold you
>i would be the satellite and you would be the pilot on this ride
>and in this dream i hold you
>in the silent sky
>leos paws will dry your tiered eyes       
>cos he knows what its like to be thrown to the ground
>fallen tears and hardened hearts alike
 
>ive been holding the drama for a while
>waiting up to get a peak of what its like
>down the road ive heard many calling out those old           
>worn out virtues hovering above our rooftops       
>did you know its about to come
>soon enough it floods what i dwell upon                               
cos i can hardly keep you off my mind
                                                   
>and if i got to hold you
>i would be the satellite and you would be the pilot on this r ide
>and in this dream i hold you
>in the silent sky
>leos paws will dry your tiered eyes       
>cos he knows what its like to be thrown to the ground
>fallen tears and hardened hearts alike
                                                 
>if i got to hold you
>i would be the satellite and you would be the pilot on this ride
>and in this dream i hold you
>in the silent sky
>and i can only hope im on your mind                 
>cos i knows what its like to be thrown to the ground
>fallen tears and hardened hearts alike

Online Dutchbeat

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Re: fallen tears and hardened hearts
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2018, 19:25:08 »
wow @tuff bransch , i think you have a great song here, you sent some goosebumps at certain moments over here to the Netherlands  :P :P :P

lyricwise.... i can not be of help...

but, since you asked.... it all sounded just right to me  :o :o :o

nice song, some really moving singing melodies in there in my opinion  ::thumb:: ::thumb:: ::thumb::

nice one !!!!
I lost it...ages ago

Offline Leonard Scaper

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Re: fallen tears and hardened hearts
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2018, 21:26:34 »
These two lines caught my attention:

im ruling out every reason to deny youre swaying out ........Swaying could work here but it doesn't quite feel right. maybe slipping out.

if i let my wepons to the ground .......... Maybe drop my weapons to the ground or set my weapons on the ground. Each implies something slightly different to me. Dropping implies that it was forced and setting implies that you made the decision.  From your lyric there I like set my weapons on the ground....putting them down to open yourself up.

I love how this sounds!

"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680

Offline tuff bransch

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Re: fallen tears and hardened hearts
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2018, 00:37:46 »
@Dutchbeat thanx for recieveing the goosebumps sent. good to hear. ive sung it so much iv lost perspective now.

@Leonard Scaper thanx so much! maby ...deny youre swiming out ... (into waters deeper than the... ) ?

i like "set my weapons on the ground" a lot!

Offline MrBouzouki

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Re: fallen tears and hardened hearts
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2018, 19:56:27 »
Interesting track @tuff bransch. Out of interest are you playing on a uke ? It's got the sound of one.
I know you're looking for lyrical feedback on here but can I just say I really like the vocal control on

"did you see when the lights went out , twinkled like a broken satellite" and every time you go into your falsetto - very nicely done :-)

I'm not sure what you are trying to say here - the metre works well but

>ive been holding the drama for a while
>waiting up to get a peak of what its like

Have you been "Holding IN THIS drama for a while" ? You don't want to start so you are holding it in ?

Waiting Up doesn't make sense to me, are you "Marking Time" , "Treading Water" ,

Ummmmm how about

"I've been holding in this drama for a while
Marking time to get a peak of what it's like"  ?????

Ummmm

>did you know its about to come
>soon enough it floods what i dwell upon                               
cos i can hardly keep you off my mind

How about since you being in the idea od flooding and dam holds water back ...

Did you know the dams about to burst
soon enough it floods what I dwell upon

So if you  took my suggested changes into account you would have:-

I've been holding in this drama for a while
marking time to get a peak of what its like
down the road I've heard many calling out those old           
worn out virtues hovering above our rooftops       
did you know the dams about to burst
soon enough it floods what I dwell upon                               
cos i can hardly keep you off my mind

Right that's enough tinkering with your lyrics - hope some of the suggestions make sense :-)                     











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Offline tuff bransch

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Re: fallen tears and hardened hearts
« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2018, 11:45:53 »
@MrBouzouki thanx for the comment! great that you thaught its a uke. i was so happy that my guitar sounded so much like something else actually. its capo on 3rd and some fingers around 12th fret + an open string in the beginning there. but it doesnt sound like that on any of my other guitars for some reason.

good idea about the dam conceptwise, but its too many syllabelles and doesnt rhyme so id have to come up with other words in that case.
further. i dont want to start the drama just yet so im "holding the drama for a while"? "hold the horses" - "hold the drama" no?

maby "giving it time" instead of "holding it up"?

great stuff! thanx for diving into this Mr!


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