• Feedback on text to new song
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Feedback on text to new song
on: July 10, 2020, 15:00:03
« Last Edit: July 11, 2020, 14:41:42 by Krysoe »
Dear all I'm working on text to a new song to be used in the Songwriters in the Kitchen Ballroom challenge.
Actually I was sitting in my kitchen that morning looking at an old postcard from Vienna 1920  with people dancing the waltz and I was thinking - let the waltz tell me how it was and the imagination of the feedback was the source to the text.

To have your feedback and proposals will be of great value for a nonnative English speaking person Regards
Klaus
---------------------------------------------------------------

V1:
It's early in the morning
I stir the coffee in my cup
when the very first chords of the waltz get written
with some ink on a lined paper block

V2:
I imagine the music from ballrooms
where they danced under waves of light
where they song and they swung to the music
sipped some wine in the summer night

CH1:
Tell me
Tell me all of your stories
about candles the music and the lights
yes show me
show me all of your glory
in a waltz  in the kitchen
here tonight

CH2:
show me
show me the secret steps
show me the thing
between couples when it swings
souls on the fly
so very much alive
in a kitchen waltz
with my wife.

V3:
The song progress on paper
and chords fall in love with the text
I knock the bell and ask the waiter
please refill my glass
and you will be blessed

V4:
To write this song as a waltz
is an almost finished task
From Vienna to my Kitchen I sing
when my publisher call and ask


Re: Feedback on text to new song
Reply #1 on: July 10, 2020, 21:19:39
Good lyrics @Krysoe .

Here is an idea for V2. You could be imagining them in the present tense which opens up a nice rhyming thing in the third line:

I imagine the music from ballrooms
where they dance under waves of light
where they sing and they swing to the music
sipping some wine in the summer night
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

Lenny's Tunes: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680

https://soundcloud.com/vincentgleason


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Re: Feedback on text to new song
Reply #2 on: July 11, 2020, 11:26:18
« Last Edit: July 11, 2020, 12:02:11 by LePlongeur »
When I was (past tense, very tense) thinking about the least dominant/attack-like reaction on your question @Krysoe , @Leonard Scaper posted his very useful re-write of your second verse.

And I put my ideas on the back burner for a bit.

When I was writing papers for educational materials, I had to give extra attention to congruent writing.
Congruent is nothing more than a difficult word for logical. Pieces that are congruent/logical receive a more favorable reaction. The story, pitch or whatever is more credible.

What Leonard just did was restore logic by making the whole verse present tense.
Very good approach, but there are other aspects to congruence than just past or present tense.

It's your orientation in the lyrics that forces you to think about the logic; are you the narrator, the spectator, the hero, the villain? Is your text auto biographical, biographical, are you going to do a rant and rave or a well balanced story? This position, once chosen, must be kept during the whole song.

Are there more persons involved you talk about?
If so, whats their role. Are you fed up with Annas hectic behavior and do you fancy Joans smile? Give them names and its easier to keep track of who is doing what.

Is it present tense? Then you need to indicate your looking back by using the past tense, but only for that part. Back to present tense as soon as the navel staring/contemplation/reflecting part is done. And the smaller the size of this part, the more forceful the rest will become.

If the I person does or say something, you have to stick to I through the entire text.

So, in short, its a matter of Who does What at Which moment (maybe Where too) and Whos involved too (and what are their roles).

A question that makes me think again, is a very nice/good question in my book. I really like your describing the whole process of ballrooming a lot.
Great idea.
Thank you for posting it.
Kind regards, Gus


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Re: Feedback on text to new song
Reply #3 on: July 11, 2020, 14:32:43
Leonard thanks a million for your feedback I will use in the next version of the text.
Regards
Klaus

Good lyrics @Krysoe .

Here is an idea for V2. You could be imagining them in the present tense which opens up a nice rhyming thing in the third line:

I imagine the music from ballrooms
where they dance under waves of light
where they sing and they swing to the music
sipping some wine in the summer night


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Re: Feedback on text to new song
Reply #4 on: July 11, 2020, 14:46:53
Gus thanks a lot for your detailed and inspiring feedback I will have in mind doing the next version of the text
Regards Klaus

When I was (past tense, very tense) thinking about the least dominant/attack-like reaction on your question @Krysoe , @Leonard Scaper posted his very useful re-write of your second verse.

And I put my ideas on the back burner for a bit.

When I was writing papers for educational materials, I had to give extra attention to congruent writing.
Congruent is nothing more than a difficult word for logical. Pieces that are congruent/logical receive a more favorable reaction. The story, pitch or whatever is more credible.

What Leonard just did was restore logic by making the whole verse present tense.
Very good approach, but there are other aspects to congruence than just past or present tense.

It's your orientation in the lyrics that forces you to think about the logic; are you the narrator, the spectator, the hero, the villain? Is your text auto biographical, biographical, are you going to do a rant and rave or a well balanced story? This position, once chosen, must be kept during the whole song.

Are there more persons involved you talk about?
If so, whats their role. Are you fed up with Annas hectic behavior and do you fancy Joans smile? Give them names and its easier to keep track of who is doing what.

Is it present tense? Then you need to indicate your looking back by using the past tense, but only for that part. Back to present tense as soon as the navel staring/contemplation/reflecting part is done. And the smaller the size of this part, the more forceful the rest will become.

If the I person does or say something, you have to stick to I through the entire text.

So, in short, its a matter of Who does What at Which moment (maybe Where too) and Whos involved too (and what are their roles).

A question that makes me think again, is a very nice/good question in my book. I really like your describing the whole process of ballrooming a lot.
Great idea.
Thank you for posting it.
Kind regards, Gus


Re: Feedback on text to new song
Reply #5 on: July 14, 2020, 13:43:10
Hi @Krysoe  the lyrics are looking really good .... especially with Leonard Scaper's little edits in there.
Have you tried speaking or singing these to the waltz (3/4 time 150 - 180 BPM ) beat? That's when you have to remove words or add words so that it will fit. To me getting the lyrics to line up is the hardest of the challenge.
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


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Re: Feedback on text to new song
Reply #6 on: July 14, 2020, 15:54:10
Hi Bill, Thanks a lot for your feedback.
Yes, the melody is more or less ready and lyrics are developed based on the melody construction. The first shot of base recording of the vocal tracks is done as well to get an idea of how it all fits together. As the final product will be part of the waltz Kitchen challenge  I did not put a link to the recording. the BMP is 90.
Regards
Klaus

Hi @Krysoe  the lyrics are looking really good .... especially with Leonard Scaper's little edits in there.
Have you tried speaking or singing these to the waltz (3/4 time 150 - 180 BPM ) beat? That's when you have to remove words or add words so that it will fit. To me getting the lyrics to line up is the hardest of the challenge.



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