Heart on a Stick. (maybe punkish/uptempo)

This was a bit of an experiment a year or two ago.  Was going for a slight punkish feel. I've just given it a couple more tweaks before posting.

Written with male vocals in mind.

Constructive critique welcome, also regarding the structure. I'm on the fence about bridge line 1.


Heart on a Stick

Chorus
If you want me you can have me
If you pass the acid test
If you want me you can have me
But take me as I am
Then we can decide the rest

V1
Baby, I’ll give you my heart on a stick
But I’ll dip it in vinegar first
Don’t expect the results to be quick
‘Cause more is at stake than your thirst

V2
Baby, I’ll give you my heart on a stick
But I warn you, your bubble might burst
If we’re not an impeccable fit
You haven’t seen me at my worst

Chorus
If you want me you can have me
If you pass the acid test
If you want me you can have me
But take me as I am
Then we can decide the rest

V3
Baby, I’ll give you my heart on a stick
But I’m now testing things in reverse
Waiting to see if our temp’raments click
Or whether your lines are rehearsed
 
Bridge
Can’t fool me with fables
I’m finally able
To know when to give
Or hold back
No more love at first sight
I spent too much time
On the rack

Chorus
If you want me you can have me
If you pass the acid test
If you want me you can have me
But take me as I am
Then we can decide the rest

© 2019 Donna Devine

Hey @DonMar ,

These lyrics resonate with me, I'd be happy to help writing a rock-ish/punk-ish song using them and adding my male singing. My usual disclaimer is the lack of time (and in the available time I also have some personal music projects going). I think I can manage to do it this year, but I cannot be more precise, timing wise.

Of course only if you think my vocal/songwriting work 'works' for what you have in mind. On my soundcloud page you can find some rock-ish tunes I've written over time.

So I'd be happy to accept the 'job', but please feel free to reject my offer, I promise I won't feel offended in that case. I know it's all about taste..

Cheers!

Mar T.

Hi, @Mar T.  Thanks! Sure, I'd be pleased to have you add your music & vocals to my lyric.  I'm glad it resonated with you. Not every lyric is everybody's cup of tea. 

(I wrote the lyric originally as an experiment in the punk-rock genre.  it was much edgier/raw (even had swearing in it ). Then I decided to rewrite it simply as a kind of skewed but hopeful love song.  )

I did listen to a few of your rock pieces. Impressive!

Time's not a problem. Simply send me a PM whenever you're ready to get going on the piece.

Donna

Cheers @DonMar , looking forward to collab with you!

Absolutely love the imagery you've used in this! Playing at the senses 'acid', 'vinegar'. Really great!

Thank you, @Troispr.  So pleased you enjoyed the lyric. It wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea ... err... vinegar. 

Donna

Great words for a song @DonMar - I like the imagery and rhythm.

Will be great to hear this as a song from @Mar T.

cheers

Started composing the instrumental and here is the intermediate result:
https://soundcloud.com/martimedia/heartonastickverse/s-IFNFJ

It's a sketch.. just sharing the process. If anybody has TOP or TIP pointers, let us know!

@DonMar , earlier you wrote:
'I'm on the fence about bridge line 1'

I actually like that line! Do you want to alter that line? Let me know plz before I start recording my lead-vocal singing..

Btw do you sing? And if so: do you like to have your vocal sound included in the end result?

Cheers, Love and Peace,
Mar T.

HA  @team @DonMar and @Mar T.   

that certainly is... "maybe punkish / uptempo" @Mar T. , as @DonMar invisioned it.....

this is...serious competition...already....for the collab challenge   

sounds gooooooood 

@Mar T. , I"m fine with that first line. If you like it, run with it.

And you definitely don't want my vocal in the end result.

Donna

@DonMar , first test with vocals, heavily searching and in the exploration phase..
Is this usable?

https://soundcloud.com/martimedia/heartonastickvocaltest/s-MVU33

Lots to be tweaked, just a sketch of 1 verse and 1 chorus..

sounding good!

Your voice sounds different @Mar T.  - lots of attitude with a bit of agreesion!

cheers

Coming along nicely, @Mar T.   

This is going to be awesome @Mar T. and @DonMar 

you sound extremely cool Marti 

Cheers @Jurgen , @DonMar and @Dutchbeat !!
Donna, does the way I sing the words match the meter you had in mind? Prob not going to match anyway, but feel free to help me choose..
Jurgen, I'm trying to do exactly that, but I hear it doesn't always sound like me. And maybe even too 'cheesy' and 'sweet'. 10 days left to deliver a compromise ;-)
  DB, really? Does it have the raw edges you always express to want to hear in my recordings?