• Hello Song Writers I need your support and feedback on lyrics and song.
  • Started by Krysoe
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  • Krysoe
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    • November 15, 2018, 17:28:46
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« Last Edit: November 12, 2018, 17:22:59 by Krysoe »
Hello songwriters. English is not my first language and I need you review and feedback on the below lyric and song
Thanks a million in advance.
Below is a new song I'm working on:
To make your review easier I have added the SoundCloud link here:
https://soundcloud.com/klaus-rysoe/catch-them-v11-work-title
 -----------------------------------------------
Hello
Hello you life is here

Hey there you stranger
who live in the dark
feel the joy with the kids
get some sun in the park

Drop the restrictions
make your crack in the wall
a mothers protection
dont protect kids to fall

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day

Hello
Hello you life is here

Over the years
generations evolve
some growing big and
some just get small

But all have a color
to show where we belong
but some getting mixed
then they cant find their song

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day


@Krysoe - quite an optmistic set of lyrics. I can hear the vibe of music that could go with it.
Some grammar tips:
who lives in the dark
Won't protect kids to fall

your life will depends on how
well the destiny plays...

looking forward hearing your song
recommending https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_Music_Works "How music works", book by David Byrne.


Hi @Krysoe   ... American English is what I do. I hope this is helpful for you in some way.  :)
It looks like it is going to be a cool song.

I'll just try to offer you some suggestions here:

Hello
Hello you life is here                ( Hello you. Life is here.      Hello. Life is here      -or-   Hello. Your life is here.  *depends on the meaning)

Hey there you stranger             ( Hey there stranger     * is more common  )
who live in the dark                    ( who lives in the dark     * like @oorlab says  )
feel the joy with the kids
get some sun in the park

Drop the restrictions
make your crack in the wall
a mothers protection
dont protect kids to fall             ( won't protect kids from falls    * "protect kids to fall"  doesn't really sound right ...  ) 

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how              ( what @oorlab said )
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away                              ( * not sure what you wanted here ....  maybe "hold on"  would work? )
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day                                                     ( for the rest of your days  )

Hello
Hello you life is here

Over the years
generations evolve
some growing big and                      (some will grow big )
some just get small

But all have a color
to show where we belong
but some getting mixed                           (   but, some get mixed    -or-  but, some they get mixed   - or- some may get mixed )
then they cant find their song

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how                     ( what @oorlab said ....    )
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away                    ( * not sure what you wanted here ....  maybe "hold on"  would work? )
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day                           ( for the rest of your days  )
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


  • Krysoe
  • Vegetable Chef
  • *
  • Airborn

    • 34


    • 46
    • November 15, 2018, 17:28:46
    • Denmark
  • more
Oorlab and Bill , Thanks a million for your for your support and feedback I will take into account doing ar review and re-write of the song.

Thanks

Klaus
Hi @Krysoe   ... American English is what I do. I hope this is helpful for you in some way.  :)
It looks like it is going to be a cool song.

I'll just try to offer you some suggestions here:

Hello
Hello you life is here                ( Hello you. Life is here.      Hello. Life is here      -or-   Hello. Your life is here.  *depends on the meaning)

Hey there you stranger             ( Hey there stranger     * is more common  )
who live in the dark                    ( who lives in the dark     * like @oorlab says  )
feel the joy with the kids
get some sun in the park

Drop the restrictions
make your crack in the wall
a mothers protection
dont protect kids to fall             ( won't protect kids from falls    * "protect kids to fall"  doesn't really sound right ...  ) 

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how              ( what @oorlab said )
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away                              ( * not sure what you wanted here ....  maybe "hold on"  would work? )
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day                                                     ( for the rest of your days  )

Hello
Hello you life is here

Over the years
generations evolve
some growing big and                      (some will grow big )
some just get small

But all have a color
to show where we belong
but some getting mixed                           (   but, some get mixed    -or-  but, some they get mixed   - or- some may get mixed )
then they cant find their song

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how                     ( what @oorlab said ....    )
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away                    ( * not sure what you wanted here ....  maybe "hold on"  would work? )
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day                           ( for the rest of your days  )


@Krysoe - quite an optmistic set of lyrics. I can hear the vibe of music that could go with it.
Some grammar tips:
who lives in the dark
Won't protect kids to fall

your life will depends on how
well the destiny plays...

looking forward hearing your song


@Krysoe  - great! sent me a personal message when you are done, very much wanting to hear what you come up with!



xx
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