• Hello Song Writers I need your support and feedback on lyrics and song.
  • Started by Krysoe
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
  • Krysoe
  • Vegetable Chef
  • *
  • Airborn

    • 48


    • 50
    • August 28, 2019, 15:41:47
    • Denmark
  • more
« Last Edit: November 12, 2018, 17:22:59 by Krysoe »
Hello songwriters. English is not my first language and I need you review and feedback on the below lyric and song
Thanks a million in advance.
Below is a new song I'm working on:
To make your review easier I have added the SoundCloud link here:
https://soundcloud.com/klaus-rysoe/catch-them-v11-work-title
 -----------------------------------------------
Hello
Hello you life is here

Hey there you stranger
who live in the dark
feel the joy with the kids
get some sun in the park

Drop the restrictions
make your crack in the wall
a mothers protection
dont protect kids to fall

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day

Hello
Hello you life is here

Over the years
generations evolve
some growing big and
some just get small

But all have a color
to show where we belong
but some getting mixed
then they cant find their song

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day


  • oorlab
  • Chef de Partie
  • *
  • savoir vivre

    • 999


    • 350
    • November 12, 2019, 22:40:10
    • netherlands
    • https://twitter.com/oorlab https://soundcloud.com/oorlab
  • more
@Krysoe - quite an optmistic set of lyrics. I can hear the vibe of music that could go with it.
Some grammar tips:
who lives in the dark
Won't protect kids to fall

your life will depends on how
well the destiny plays...

looking forward hearing your song
recommending https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_Music_Works "How music works", book by David Byrne.


Hi @Krysoe   ... American English is what I do. I hope this is helpful for you in some way.  :)
It looks like it is going to be a cool song.

I'll just try to offer you some suggestions here:

Hello
Hello you life is here                ( Hello you. Life is here.      Hello. Life is here      -or-   Hello. Your life is here.  *depends on the meaning)

Hey there you stranger             ( Hey there stranger     * is more common  )
who live in the dark                    ( who lives in the dark     * like @oorlab says  )
feel the joy with the kids
get some sun in the park

Drop the restrictions
make your crack in the wall
a mothers protection
dont protect kids to fall             ( won't protect kids from falls    * "protect kids to fall"  doesn't really sound right ...  ) 

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how              ( what @oorlab said )
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away                              ( * not sure what you wanted here ....  maybe "hold on"  would work? )
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day                                                     ( for the rest of your days  )

Hello
Hello you life is here

Over the years
generations evolve
some growing big and                      (some will grow big )
some just get small

But all have a color
to show where we belong
but some getting mixed                           (   but, some get mixed    -or-  but, some they get mixed   - or- some may get mixed )
then they cant find their song

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how                     ( what @oorlab said ....    )
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away                    ( * not sure what you wanted here ....  maybe "hold on"  would work? )
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day                           ( for the rest of your days  )
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


  • Krysoe
  • Vegetable Chef
  • *
  • Airborn

    • 48


    • 50
    • August 28, 2019, 15:41:47
    • Denmark
  • more
Oorlab and Bill , Thanks a million for your for your support and feedback I will take into account doing ar review and re-write of the song.

Thanks

Klaus
Hi @Krysoe   ... American English is what I do. I hope this is helpful for you in some way.  :)
It looks like it is going to be a cool song.

I'll just try to offer you some suggestions here:

Hello
Hello you life is here                ( Hello you. Life is here.      Hello. Life is here      -or-   Hello. Your life is here.  *depends on the meaning)

Hey there you stranger             ( Hey there stranger     * is more common  )
who live in the dark                    ( who lives in the dark     * like @oorlab says  )
feel the joy with the kids
get some sun in the park

Drop the restrictions
make your crack in the wall
a mothers protection
dont protect kids to fall             ( won't protect kids from falls    * "protect kids to fall"  doesn't really sound right ...  ) 

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how              ( what @oorlab said )
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away                              ( * not sure what you wanted here ....  maybe "hold on"  would work? )
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day                                                     ( for the rest of your days  )

Hello
Hello you life is here

Over the years
generations evolve
some growing big and                      (some will grow big )
some just get small

But all have a color
to show where we belong
but some getting mixed                           (   but, some get mixed    -or-  but, some they get mixed   - or- some may get mixed )
then they cant find their song

all of the way
to the end of day
your life will depends how                     ( what @oorlab said ....    )
well the destiny play

Hold you
Hold you before you fly away                    ( * not sure what you wanted here ....  maybe "hold on"  would work? )
in sunset
the sunset will force you to stay
for the rest of your day                           ( for the rest of your days  )


@Krysoe - quite an optmistic set of lyrics. I can hear the vibe of music that could go with it.
Some grammar tips:
who lives in the dark
Won't protect kids to fall

your life will depends on how
well the destiny plays...

looking forward hearing your song


  • oorlab
  • Chef de Partie
  • *
  • savoir vivre

    • 999


    • 350
    • November 12, 2019, 22:40:10
    • netherlands
    • https://twitter.com/oorlab https://soundcloud.com/oorlab
  • more
@Krysoe  - great! sent me a personal message when you are done, very much wanting to hear what you come up with!


  • MrBouzouki
  • Global Moderator
  • Sous Chef
  • *
  • *
  • "Let the Creators Create" :-)

    • 1352


    • 550
    • November 09, 2019, 19:26:31
    • Sheffield, UK
    • https://www.facebook.com/Mr.Bouzouki.Music/ https://www.youtube.com/user/MisterBouzouki https://soundcloud.com/mrbouzouki
  • more
But please post your revised lyrics on here too @Krysoe as it's great for other members to see your journey.

It also means other members might post any lyric they are having issues with too so it engages the community more.

 ::OSMAN:: ::OSMAN:: ::OSMAN::
"Love and Life is all about connections"



xx
Co-writers lyrics for this chorus 'Trouble'

Started by calmlondon on Lyrics

1 Replies
504 Views
Last post October 14, 2014, 07:29:31
by fischermans
xx
Would love to have some feedback on the lyrics and the general feel of the song

Started by EllaRiitta on Songs for review

4 Replies
143 Views
Last post August 27, 2019, 00:48:29
by Pleudoniem
xx
a commercial to support our forum

Started by Dutchbeat on The kitchen café

1 Replies
311 Views
Last post March 02, 2019, 01:20:16
by oorlab
exclamation
Calling upon all Swedes for support

Started by Jambrains on The kitchen café

1 Replies
516 Views
Last post February 24, 2016, 16:17:46
by Dutchbeat
exclamation
New Songs, New Youtube Channel I NEED YOUR SUPPORT

Started by ItsRilo on Songs for review

0 Replies
310 Views
Last post August 10, 2018, 23:00:03
by ItsRilo