• Help! I need a review of my 'Magic words' song lyrics..
  • Started by Mar T.
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« Last Edit: May 29, 2019, 23:43:02 by Mar T. »
..can somebody with a native English tongue ( eg @DonMar ) help me?
The magic words are in capital.

Just checking, I hate language barriers..  :doublebonk:

I was gazing,
At a LAGOON of dreams,
Raindrop diamonds,
Lit by magic sunrays,

The mirror of water,
RIPPLES when they strike.

Your EPIPHANY,
right in front of me,
Your blinding smile
Your curly OPULENT hair ...You spoke ELOQUENTLY:

Ch:
This is what U did is all about..
'I will show you, just follow my light..'

C2
Most LABYRANTHINE
And DEMURE for a moment,
I absorbed and sensed
I felt you.. .. ..Every beat of my heart..

EVENESCENCE just as suddenly
In that thunder-storm
Of hope and belief and strength
The smell of PETRICHOR

Cheers, love and peace,
Mar T.
:mart:
I'm proud of this track, check it out! https://soundcloud.com/martimedia/dreams


  • Jurgen
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Hi @Mar T.

I had a quick look at the latest comp to see what this "magic words" is all about. It's certainly an interesting challenge!

It's not easy creating words with 5 of those words as a lot of them wouldn't (for me anyway) come up as obvious word choices.

re: your lyrics, it all looks good to me.

I initially thought that the "epiphany" was yours (as the writer) but it's the person of front of you that has the epiphany and that makes sense, re: "your blinding smile" which you would probably get if you did have an epiphany.

The only other thing I thought about was your use of "opulent" - to me it relates more to something costing a lot or over the top - like an opulent house or piece of clothing. It's not something I would use to describe someone's hair but I think it's OK and correct use.

Good work!

cheers


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Your use of magic words reads ok to me @Mar T.  ( ..if only I knew what Petrichor meant :-\)
The first chorus line I find awkward:
for:  "This is what U did is all about.."  I hear  "what U did is all about this..." which seems more direct, but maybe I`m missing some shade of meaning.

Robert


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@Jurgen , cheers man! Thanks for your comments.. Would replacing 'opulent' with 'sumptuous' work better?  They both have to do with 'lush'..

@robertkc , thank you so much for helping! Petrichor is the smell of earth after the rain, that's what google translate came up with.
I know the 1st line of the chorus sounds weird, but you're completely right, I've written it this way intentionally. As long as it is ok grammar-wise I'm fine with that line ;-)

This really helps!!
Cheers
Mar T.
:mart:


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Yes @Mar T. I think sumptuous would work better

Looking forward to hearing this one!

cheers


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Wow, thanks a mill for that reply @Jurgen , I think it even 'sounds' better in the metre of the words.. Cheers my friend!


Hi @Mar T.  everything looks good to me ... but ... I agree with @robertkc about the chorus.

" This is what U did is all about..
'I will show you, just follow my light..' "

That first line especially is not grammatically correct. It's at a point where it doesn't really make sense. If I knew what you were trying to say maybe I could help.   ----  That doesn't mean you can't use it, of course.  :D  There are plenty of songs that don't make sense .... .  :D
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


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Hey @Bill from November Sound thanks my friend..
Hehe I'll stick to your last remark.. It's okay that that particular sentence doesn't make sense to you or anybody.. I think I'll even drop my criterium that that line has to be grammatically correct ;-)

Great to read that the rest sounds good to you.. that really helps!
Cheers..
Mar T.
:mart:



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