• Help with lyrics
  • Started by Lophophora
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Help with lyrics
on: April 26, 2018, 16:34:54
Hey guys, hereís my first post here.

I am not a native English speaker and I would like some feedback on what doesnít sound right or beautiful in my lyrics. The song is about someone who is different from most people and he expresses his feelings about it, particularly to his lover who doesnít really understands or believe him. It is not meant to be a lament or have an excessive plaintive tone, it is just an account of what he feels.

The melody and chords are already fixed, but there should be room for some prosody changes so any suggestions are welcome. I don't like the second line in the chorus, specifically.

Verse 1
What do you want to know
What else is left to say
The words refuse to flow
Iíd like you to meet me halfway
I feel so numb and weary
Itís the same old scheme recurring over and over again
Please let me out

Verse 2
If I spoke the truth about me
If I dared to say it out loud
Would you listen with empathy
Would you care just like you vowed?
I feel so numb and weary
Itís the same old scheme recurring over and over again
Please let me out

Chorus 1
Hiding in my lonely place Iíve been staying clear
Of strangers and their normalcy Ďcause I just canít take any more fear

Verse 3
I wish youíd want to know
I can tell you think itís whimsy
Thereís no way Iím speaking now
Letís just say that Iíve been clumsy
I feel so numb and weary
Itís the same old scheme recurring over and over again
Please let me out

Bridge
I want out, I want out

Chorus 2+3
Hiding in my lonely place Iíve been staying clear
Of strangers and their normalcy Ďcause I just canít take any more fear
Excuse me while I take this call, the truth is I need space
All I want is isolation Iím sorry to be such a disgrace

Outro
If I spoke the truth about me
If I dared to say it out loud
Would you listen with empathy
Would you care just like you vowed?


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Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #1 on: April 26, 2018, 17:04:46
Most of this flows quite well to me and I can definitely hear a nice musical cadence. You're right about that second chorus line, though.

Hiding in my lonely place Iíve been staying clear
Of strangers and their normalcy Ďcause I just canít take any more fear


Maybe something like:

Hiding in my lonely place Iíve been staying clear
Of the normalcy of strangers
'Cause it stokes my fear


I also stumbled over this line in your verses:

Itís the same old scheme recurring over and over again

"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

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Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #2 on: April 26, 2018, 18:29:40
Thanks @Leonard Scaper, your suggestion sounds good. It lacks one syllable I'm afraid, but I'll definitely try working something out of it.

About the other line, could you point me to the part that is bugging you specifically?

I just recorded a very quick demo, one verse and one chorus so you get the melody: https://soundcloud.com/jean-marc-boulier/misfit/s-YQgVT


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Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #3 on: April 26, 2018, 19:58:37
Hi @Lophophora ,

Works for me too.

As far as "normalcy" is concerned... what exactly are you trying to say here? I often find that if I make an effort to define exactly what I'm trying to say the solution presents itself (although it sometimes takes awhile).

It seems to me that you want something a bit more sinister... "normalcy" doesn't suggest a threat. But perhaps I don't understand your intent.

Later,
Stan
I'm a lyricist seeking music writers to work with.


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Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #4 on: April 26, 2018, 20:06:24
hi @Lophophora , i can not help you with the lyrics, because i am dutch and so English is not my native language
(as you can tell  :P ;D ;D ;D)

but i listened to your demo of the song, and i totally get the song, sounds good  ::thumb::, and as for tweaking the lyrics, i think you are in good hands with @smajor and @Leonard Scaper

me, myself, and Pie


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Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #5 on: April 26, 2018, 22:34:34
Thanks for doing that demo @Lophophora ...it really helps to hear the lyrics in context.

Itís the same old scheme recurring over and over again

I'm still stumbling over recurring....you seemed to struggle to get the word in as well. Maybe you can work through that in performance as it does get the message across.

Hiding in my lonely place Iíve been staying clear
Of strangers and their normalcy Ďcause I just canít take any more fear


I also stumbled a bit over any more fear....it feels like too many words. I bet you can work that out in performance as well.

I like how you switched up to secret place.....it adds a component of mystery and seems to come from a stronger place.

@smajor ...hey, Stan. I kind of felt that our character might be feeling a bit intimidated by the normalcy of strangers because it underscores his own idiosyncrasies.....something along those lines is what I took away from that lyric.

 8)



Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #6 on: April 27, 2018, 03:32:02
I'm still stumbling over recurring....you seemed to struggle to get the word in as well.

I am indeed. Originally I had just written "it's the same old story, over and over again" but the verb was missing. Does it actually sound weird without the verb? Because I think it sounds better here in the music, with less words.

Quote
I also stumbled a bit over any more fear....it feels like too many words. I bet you can work that out in performance as well.

Does it feel like too many words when you're reading it, or when you're listening ? I feel that the melody needs those exact notes there, but maybe it is the choice of words that doesn't work?

Quote
I kind of felt that our character might be feeling a bit intimidated by the normalcy of strangers because it underscores his own idiosyncrasies.....something along those lines is what I took away from that lyric.

Precisely, I couldn't explain it better myself. But yes this "normalcy" thing really doesn't sound good. My intent was to express this feeling of being out of phase with most people, feeling different, having different needs and  aspirations. But this is the chorus so it has to sound good: I'll probably try write something completely different.

Thanks for your time guys!


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Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #7 on: April 27, 2018, 08:24:07
Hi @Lophophora .... you could try

... I feel so numb and weary
Itís the same old movie playing over and over again
Please let me out

or perhaps even if that song metre doesn't work for you

... I feel so numb and weary
Itís the same old movie over and over again
Please let me out

People might relate to the monotony of watching a movie that they have seen many times before. They are just going through the motions of living a normal life.
I like the use of "over and over", as the repetition re-enforces the idea of being numb and weary.

"Love and Life is all about connections"


Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #8 on: April 27, 2018, 11:59:35
Thanks @MrBouzouki I like this, it definitely sounds better!


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Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #9 on: April 27, 2018, 12:17:57
Does it actually sound weird without the verb? Does it feel like too many words when you're reading it, or when you're listening ?

Sometimes in a song words that you might use speaking can be omitted for the sake of cadence and the listener does not notice. In your situation with these lines I am definitely reading and hearing too many words.

The more you play it the more comfortable you'll get with how those lyrics should be. Don't be afraid to let go of some of the words for the sake of musicality.

 8)


Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #10 on: May 08, 2018, 12:52:19
« Last Edit: May 08, 2018, 16:41:21 by Lophophora »
So I played and sang this a lot of times with different words combinations. The "any more fear" actually became even longer because it sounds better to my ear. I tried to remove some of th "I-me-myself" feel but wasn't able to do much and wasn't willing to re-write everything from scratch.

Here's what I came up with, does it sound better to your native ears?


Verse 1
What do you want to know
What else is left to say
When the words refuse to flow
Canít you meet me halfway
Makes me feel numb and weary, itís the same old movie playing over and over again
Please let me out

Verse 2
Shall I speak the truth about me
Shall I dare say it out loud
Will you tune in or disagree
Will you keep me from the crowd
Makes me feel numb and weary, itís the same old story repeating over and over again
Please let me out

Chorus 1
Hiding in my secret place Iíve been staying clear
Of the madding crowd cause I just canít take any more of this fear

Verse 3
If only youíd want to know
I can tell you think itís whimsy
Thereís no way Iím speaking now
Letís just say that Iíve been clumsy
Makes me feel numb and weary, itís the same old movie playing over and over again
Please let me out

Bridge
I want out, I want out

Chorus 2+3
Hiding in my lonely place Iíve been staying clear
Of the madding crowd cause I just canít take any more of this fear

Excuse me while I take this call, the truth is I need space
All I want is isolation Iím sorry to be such a disgrace

Outro
If I spoke the truth about me
If I dared say it out loud
Will you tune in or disagree
Will you keep me from the crowd


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Re: Help with lyrics
Reply #11 on: May 08, 2018, 14:22:55
I listened to your earlier short demo while reading along with the revised lyrics. I like the new chorus.....it seems to flow better.




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