• here I am dying
  • Started by Rightly
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  • Rightly
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here I am dying
on: February 18, 2020, 22:40:26
Working on this at the moment. 

What do you think? 



Here I am dying.




the writer presents this evening
a work of queer fiction
time of the month for bleeding
all you do is criticise

hope you're sitting pretty
with all that you deserve
your bloodhounds they jus' lurve me
as the whole world turns aside
well here I am dying
the very best I can
as you live the life of
a half-arsed hearted man

here I am dying, here I am dying

call me the life o' th' party
n' y' best stand well clear
I listen to you n' hardly
run the dry sands of time

no mind to be reigned in
that is no way to roll
there must be a room waiting
somewhere for you n' your kind
cuz' here I am giving
ev'rything I am
as you make the rounds like
some half-arsed hearted man

here I am dying, here I am dying

a child at the time, I was
up to my neck in crime
no one was innocent
nobody, no one was lucky
jump over that shadow
at your own expense
we are unequal don't
think of us as friends

here I am dying, here I am dying
half-arsed hearted man. 





____

Music is well on it's way. 


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Re: here I am dying
Reply #1 on: February 19, 2020, 14:01:14
I'm not usually very good at critiquing lyrics without music....so I won't.

I, instead, read this as spoken word. There is so much in here that sticks, right from that very first verse that sets the tenor for the rest of the piece perfectly.

I really like your use of colloquial phrasing.....the rhyming of deserve and lurve is brilliant.

After multiple readings I am still forming a picture of the players and just starting to feel the undercurrent of the story.
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

Lenny's Tunes: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680

https://soundcloud.com/vincentgleason


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Re: here I am dying
Reply #2 on: February 19, 2020, 23:51:41
@Rightly - looks good. Dark undertones (and overtones too :-)
I sort of sense a Nick Cave vibe.
Good luck!
recommending https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_Music_Works "How music works", book by David Byrne.


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Re: here I am dying
Reply #3 on: February 22, 2020, 21:49:16
It is a chance  I get the lyrics wrong as english isn't m first language but when i read yours i thought about how the manner of our soceities individuals acting is kind of shizophrenic.
As more you know how things rolls as deeper you sink in this shizophrenic and it turns out as well as permanently stabbing into full heart, what leads to death as we all know.
Probably we all are kind of half-arsed hearted man. Especially if you don't find your personal enclave,  your 'micro-kingdom' so to say,  where man can be full of heart and happy therefore. Thats the key to live on. Music can be one f. .e.
Very deep lyric in my eyes. Thanks for sharing @Rightly


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Re: here I am dying
Reply #4 on: February 28, 2020, 07:52:40
Hi Rightly

The title caught my attention.  I had to read it as spoken word also.  Please remember the first verse must set up the characters, context and setting.  I felt your pain.  This reminded me of a fireside chat with a friend.  I love the line--"call me the life o' th' party".  Great job.