• HOPE
  • Started by Klaus Rysoe
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
HOPE
on: June 20, 2021, 18:48:07
« Last Edit: June 20, 2021, 18:52:32 by Krysoe »
Dear Kitchen Friends
With Inspiration from the actual COVID-19 situation, I'm in the process of writing a new song called HOPE.
As English is not my first language I would like very much to have some feedback on the text.

1)
Baby, I'm afraid of
those we have to trust
they want to decide
what is a no go
and what is a must
Wash your hands and
sleep on the floor
always wear the mask and
Turn off the lights
and close the door

CH)
Hope
give us hope
while the river flow
let the voices grow

2)
You there I see a glimpse of
sadness in your eyes
yes its the same old story
but now with Wuhan lies
The radio and at a tv-show
the host continue to guess
as there's no fact
to let us know

CH + Bridge

3)
Now we are safe and
its all okay
we got our pinprick
here the other day
we should be happy
enjoy the life
we saved the world with a test
until the next mutation, we can rest.


CH


To help better understand where I'm coming from with regards to melody versus lyrics I have placed a mix on SoundCloud

https://soundcloud.com/klaus-rysoe/hope/s-cwO474g3z4




  • Bill
  • Executive Chef
  • *
  • I miss Dutchbeat.

    • 3072


    • 886
    • Today at 16:13:56
    • New England
  • more
Re: HOPE
Reply #1 on: June 21, 2021, 04:20:09
Hi @Krysoe
Pretty amazing for writing in a second language, I think.  :thumbsup:   


Just a couple little changes I'd suggest:

1)
Baby, I'm afraid of
those we have to trust
they want to decide
what is a no go
and what is a must
Wash your hands and                     
sleep on the floor
always wear the mask and       ..... you don't need that "and"   .... it's too many.
Turn off the lights
and close the door

CH)
Hope
give us hope
while the river flow                               .... should technically be  " river flows"  but it messes up your rhyme
let the voices grow

2)
You there I see a glimpse of                        ....... we normally say "hey there"  ... " You there" isn't very common
sadness in your eyes
yes its the same old story
but now with Wuhan lies
The radio and at a tv-show                           ...... "the" ... I think makes more sense
the host continue to guess                                "continues"
as there's no fact                                                  .... there are no facts
to let us know     

CH + Bridge

3)
Now we are safe and
its all okay
we got our pinprick
here the other day
we should be happy
enjoy the life                              ... either "enjoying life"  or "to enjoy life"
we saved the world with a test
until the next mutation, we can rest.


CH


Re: HOPE
Reply #2 on: June 21, 2021, 12:24:10
@Bill - Thanks a million for your quick review and proposed changes.

Verse 1) I will remove the "and"

CH)
 will the following change be ok:

"Hope
give us hope
let the wisdom flow
raise your voice and grow"

Verse 2)
"I see a glimpse of                       
sadness in your eyes
yes it's the same old story
but now with Wuhan lies
The radio and The tv-show                           
the host continues to guess                             
there are s no fact                                               
to let us know "

Verse 3)

"Now we are safe and
its all okay
we got our pinprick
here the other day
we should be happy
enjoying life                             
we saved the world with a test
until the next mutation, we can rest."


  • Bill
  • Executive Chef
  • *
  • I miss Dutchbeat.

    • 3072


    • 886
    • Today at 16:13:56
    • New England
  • more
Re: HOPE
Reply #3 on: June 21, 2021, 13:22:38
Just that verse
" there are no facts"   and then you're good @Krysoe . It will be great!


Take a look in the challenge section. There is talk of a post Covid summer songwriting contest. This would certainly work for that!


Re: HOPE
Reply #4 on: June 21, 2021, 13:35:29
Thanks, @Bill - I will take a look at the challenge section


Re: HOPE
Reply #5 on: June 27, 2021, 14:36:44
I like this but V2 the flow was of with ''The radio and at a tv-show''  maybe ''The radio tv-show'' but it all depends on what flows well in song

@Max66
Thanks for your feedback The actual recording status is here: https://soundcloud.com/klaus-rysoe/hope/s-seUHUAiLpmv



xx
sorry for that..this is... better..i hope

Started by Dutchbeat on Songs for review

4 Replies
684 Views
Last post October 26, 2014, 22:33:12
by CrystalSuzy
xx
She is Hope

Started by seriousfun on Songs for review

10 Replies
590 Views
Last post December 13, 2019, 03:28:16
by robertkc
xx
Perhaps There Is Hope For Humanity After All

Started by Leonard Scaper on The kitchen café

3 Replies
353 Views
Last post November 07, 2019, 13:27:35
by Leonard Scaper
xx
Hope to See You On The Otherside

Started by GaryHynes on Songs for review

5 Replies
304 Views
Last post March 30, 2020, 20:19:14
by GaryHynes
xx
We Hope - NY Comp

Started by Nic on Songs for review

25 Replies
2322 Views
Last post January 17, 2017, 15:55:40
by Olbigead