• Invisible
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Invisible
on: March 09, 2020, 05:04:08
« Last Edit: March 18, 2020, 02:18:20 by Redlady »
Invisible
© Schantell Wharton 2020

This is lyric only. No demo yet. Open to collaboration or rewrite. Open to music to if you want to collaborate.
This is a rough draft of a song that been rolling around in my head for awhile. I am trying to make this have universal appeal.
When I finished writing this lyric --I thought of someone fearless singing this like Kelly Clarkson or Adele.
Please say more than you need rhymes. How does this lyric make you feel? Do you understand my storytelling?

V1
I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
I have carried the weight on my body far too long
And the more I eat
The more invisible I become
I am forgotten each day
When you’re a big person
People look through you
It’s like you’re not there
Your Invisible–Invisible

Ch
Invisible–Invisible
I am standing right in front of you
I am sister, your daughter, your mother
I act like everything’s OK
But I am hurting deep inside
I want to be a wife
Have a husband and a life
But I am invisible–Invisible

V2
When your invisible
Men look past you
Some even make fun of you
Others turn away in disgust
And you die inside each time
I am a person under all my hurt
I’ve tried one to many times
The last time I tried to lose weight
They told me to love myself more
Don’t you think I care –I am invisible–Invisible

Bridge
Don’t tell me to lose weight
Don’t you think I have tried
I work out until I am almost dead
I have cut calories until I have starved
I fasted and almost fainted
When it comes to my weight–I struggle
I’m just invisible–Invisible–2x

V3
Maybe my dream man is out there
He’ll never get to see me
He can’t see past my weight
I cannot even ask him out
We’ll never go on a date
He’ll never see his children in my eyes
I never hold his baby in my arms
Getting to know you is out the question
He never sees you –your Invisible–Invisible

Ch
Invisible–Invisible
I am standing right in front of you
I am sister, your daughter, your mother
I act like everything’s OK
but I am hurting deep inside
I want to be a wife
Have a husband and a life
But I am invisible–Invisible—4x fades out


  • Leonard Scaper
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Re: Invisible
Reply #1 on: March 09, 2020, 16:37:14
Very interesting lyrics @Redlady ......bold  but well laid out.
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

Lenny's Tunes: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680

https://soundcloud.com/vincentgleason


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Re: Invisible
Reply #2 on: March 10, 2020, 04:08:10
Hi Leonard

Thanks for commenting.  I glad you like the lyric.

Happy writing
Schantell--Redlady


Re: Invisible
Reply #3 on: March 11, 2020, 23:25:43
« Last Edit: March 12, 2020, 02:44:37 by Bill from November Sound »
Hi @Redlady  ..... I've read this .... and I've thinking about it during the day, driving to work,  etc.
I'd say that means it is memorable. That's good!
I thjnk the concept is great! ... and real and relatable and allows for some real empathy .... listener-wise.

The chorus seems really good to me.

The verse has  strange and a bit unwieldy juxtaposition of metaphor and other figurative language with stuff that is rather "base" ( for lack of a better descriptive term) . You are going for universal appeal so maybe just consider how this goes together.

Quote
I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
I have carried the weight on my body far too long
- here some beautuful figurative language and higher purpose ... :) :ok:

Quote
And the more I eat
The more invisible I become
.... a little more blunt, here, right?

Quote
When you’re a big person
People look through you
  .... here very proletarian....  :-\

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is just what I notice.
I think the song will be really cool and it's coming along very well.
Hey.... I'm thinking about it a lot so you've totally made an impact! :thumbsup:
 
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


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Re: Invisible
Reply #4 on: March 12, 2020, 02:36:22
Hi

I am so glad you like the lyric. I wrote this because it is the way I process my world. And I  wanted people who heard it to feel what millions of people go through each day.

Wow. Thanks for letting me know the lyric touched you. 👏😍👊🌷

I will rewrite this with more rhymes and less wordy maybe?

Happy writing
Schantell Redlady


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Re: Invisible
Reply #5 on: March 18, 2020, 08:49:41
Bill and others on this site

How do I attach a Worktape I need music melody help in songs for review.   Where is the attach file button in songwriter in the kitchen? Maybe I overlooked the feature.  Thanks Again for all your wonderful help and encouragement.



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