• Lyrics for a song
  • Started by Unholy Confessions
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
Lyrics for a song
on: August 25, 2015, 02:46:14
I'm still working on the music, but the lyrics go as followed:

I've been gone in my mind for so long
Now it's time to say goodbye
Do not fear, no need to worry
I do not see this as wrong

Life has taken all its course
Now it just feels like a chore
It's time for me to close the door
As I visit the other side

Is there pain in the afterlife?
I want to laugh but never cry
I cannot do that here
As there is too much I fear


Life has taken all its course
Now it just feels like a chore
It's time for me to close the door
As I visit the other side

If I could
And I would
I'd stay by your side
But its my time
Goodbye


Life has taken all its course
Now it just feels like a chore
It's time for me to close the door
As I visit the other side

I know it's hurting you, but it's killing me.


  • Dutchbeat
  • MADministrator
  • Michelin Starred Chef
  • *
  • *
  • If you can stand the Beat, get into the Kitchen!

    • 8760


    • 1424
    • Today at 22:57:05
  • more
Re: Lyrics for a song
Reply #1 on: August 25, 2015, 09:19:27
good flow in these lyrics on a heavy subject, it seems to me

lyrics look good to me, but i may not be the best person to Judge that and give feedback on lyrics (because my native language is Dutch)

me, myself, and Pie


  • Rabid Parrot
  • Poissonier
  • *
  • karaoke nut, wannabe songwriter and lyricist

    • 208


    • 146
    • October 06, 2019, 20:40:53
    • Toronto, Ontario
    • http://www.facebook.com/stsuji https://soundcloud.com/rabid-parrot
  • more
Re: Lyrics for a song
Reply #2 on: September 11, 2015, 07:44:22
« Last Edit: September 11, 2015, 07:48:34 by Rabid Parrot »
Hey.  I know your main influences are metal, so I hope my references to non-metal songs don't offend.  Also, I only can comment so indepth about something that connects with me, so I hope you will see it as a compliment!

I immediately felt a Third Eye Blind (How's It Gonna Be) vibe to this song - the lyrical pacing - half jumpy. 
https://open.spotify.com/track/3Uvx1TO0Kg5HgGPk58lHXv

Any progress on a melody?  As soon as I read the words, I could hear a melody in my head - which happens when the lyrics generate some kind of natural rhythm for me (and I really like that)

I am a fan of storytelling and narratives, so I like that the opening verses are a vague goodbye - or a mental closing of a chapter of life and moving on... so by the time you get to the question of "is there pain in the afterlife?", it doesn't necessarily have to be literal death, it could be just the anxiousness of the unknown.  I think this double meaning should be kept throughout the song so it broadens the impact. 

I'd suggest a possible rewording of "life has taken all its course" to make it grammatically sound although I see the need to follow the beats - maybe "life has taken a final course"? or some variation thereof?

One thing stood out too me that causes the song message to feel almost overstated (in what looks like a nice bridge right out of Dashboard Confessional's Vindicated urgency playbook :P
https://open.spotify.com/track/1y3UYAaWnaG6VbtBXN2rad

"If I could
And I would
I'd stay by your side
BUT IT'S MY TIME
Goodbye"

I would probably rephrase the "it's my time" to again pull the song away from the literal and maintain it's broader double meaning.  so to keep in time, maybe "... but it's time" followed by a pause for effect and then a power "goodbye" before a blistering guitar solo... :P


  • Mar T.
  • Senior Site Administrator
  • Michelin Starred Chef
  • *
  • *
  • Pay it forward! (watch that movie..)

    • 6595


    • 1660
    • Yesterday at 20:57:58
    • Duiven
    • http://twitter.com/MartiMediaSC http://www.facebook.com/MartiMedia http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEBmQkchurQ https://soundcloud.com/martimedia
  • more
Re: Lyrics for a song
Reply #3 on: September 12, 2015, 18:19:33
Nice lyrics as far as I (as a non-english speaker) can see... Should do well in a metal song!
This line: 'As I visit the other side' can also be interpreted like 'When I committed suicide' imo, but I think you are saying 'When I leave you'.
Looking forward to hearing the song! MM
I'm proud of this track, check it out! https://soundcloud.com/martimedia/dreams


  • denizensdeep
  • Poissonier
  • *
  • Karma hunter

    • 168


    • 61
    • May 03, 2017, 12:03:37
    • Port Elizabeth
  • more
Re: Lyrics for a song
Reply #4 on: September 14, 2015, 12:52:54
The lyrics are suitably dark for the kind of music you writing, now the hard part, making them fit into a track.
Sometimes I sits and thinks, sometimes I just sits

https://www.facebook.com/denizensdeepband



xx
Hello Song Writers I need your support and feedback on lyrics and song.

Started by Krysoe on Lyrics

5 Replies
995 Views
Last post March 02, 2019, 15:00:31
by MrBouzouki
xx
a song that needs lyrics.... help?

Started by lu77 on Songs for review

52 Replies
1373 Views
Last post October 12, 2019, 18:19:51
by Dutchbeat
xx
I need your help for my new song lyrics

Started by Mora Amaro La Loba on Lyrics

4 Replies
650 Views
Last post September 27, 2018, 23:18:36
by Mora Amaro La Loba
xx
Song looking for vocals and lyrics

Started by Jambrains on Collaborations

10 Replies
1294 Views
Last post September 28, 2017, 01:15:48
by Mar T.
xx
Competition Song Lyrics

Started by Vince on Lyrics

6 Replies
695 Views
Last post November 21, 2017, 03:25:49
by Vince