• New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
  • Started by Bill from November Sound
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New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
on: November 09, 2019, 22:47:27
I'm searching for a sound for us. I like performing the heavier more modern pop, laid back, in the pocket grooves a la Sam Smith, Cold Play & One Republic's slower stuff.
Anyway, what do you think about these lyrics? Mixed up rhyming pattern in the chorus, "un-word" words, more elongated & laid back verse, a cryptic second verse, only a single pre-chorus but later a bridge based on the pre-chorus ( that I haven't made lyrics for yet)
Does this work? So far?  ???


Verse:
Say we are
the fortunate ones
Say we have;
We have just begun
Empty room:
just a carpet on the floor
If we have love
We don't need anything more

Pre- Chorus:
If things don't go the way we planned
I hope you'll understand

Chorus:
Can I un-ask you a question?
Can I un-live the last few days?
Can I un-think the thoughts before this?
Can I un-walk away?
Can I un-say what I said?
Can I un-think what's in my head?
Can I un-live the last few days?
Can I un-walk away?

Verse:
Say we are .....
Say we have ......
Empty room ....
We had love  ....  gone too soon

Chorus:
Can I un-ask you a question?
Can I un-live the last few days?
Can I un-think the thoughts before this?
Can I un-walk away?
Can I un-say what I said?
Can I un-think what's in my head?
Can I un-live the last few days?
Can I un-walk away?

Bridge:

Chorus:


Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


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Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #1 on: November 10, 2019, 01:01:15
Cool concept @Bill from November Sound ! I like the 'un-' escape to imagine a possible 're-'..

My nitpick would be that these words:
'If we have love
We don't need anything more'
sounded a bit cheesy to me.

But imho I think your question was about the concept, and I think it'll work!!
I'm proud of this track, check it out! https://soundcloud.com/martimedia/dreams


Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #2 on: November 10, 2019, 07:39:35
Yes @Mar T.  .... THAT is the problem area. I need to say that thing but get it to flow better. ( and not sound stupid)   :-\

A lot of today's top songs use this theme about remembering how things were actually good when we had less. So I do need to say that. IDK how. 
 


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Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #3 on: November 10, 2019, 15:41:30
hi @Bill from November Sound , i like these un-words  :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

this sounds good to me,  ::thumb::

and about this bit:

"If we have love
We don't need anything more"

perhaps you can evade using the L-word? because of it being overused....perhaps...

"If we only have us
We don't need anything more"

not sure whether that is English  ;D ;D ;D ;D

me, myself, and Pie


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Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #4 on: November 11, 2019, 08:07:01
Hate to contradict these wise men, but I don’t mind unashamedly love songs.
When my love and I want to curse someone, we say: ‘we wish you a lot of stuff’. As in: a lot of stuff in your house that you have to pick up to be able to vacuum, a camper with a lot of switches and pumps to maintain. Etc etc etc.

I have troubles writing English lyrics that come up to what I like/demand of myself, so to give you the impression that I would be a great help would be a mistake.

I only hope you pick up the idea and (alone or with help) keep the original idea going. To be censoring (?) a beautiful idea before it’s even finished would be a mistake in my opinion. But yes, that’s just my opinion.
Go go go @Bill from November Sound !!! Please un-rain the Netherlands.
Kind regards, Gus


Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #5 on: November 11, 2019, 22:46:23
Thanks for the help @Dutchbeat and @LePlongeur   ….. so I need to say that thing. I just have to get the wording right, I guess.


Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #6 on: November 16, 2019, 13:56:53
How about this? Is this better @Mar T. @Dutchbeat @LePlongeur  ?

Verse:
Say we are
the fortunate ones
Say we have;
We have just begun
Empty room:
just a carpet on the floor.
( it's) Only us
(We) need nothing more.



Only us.  ------- We need nothing more.
It's only us. -------- We need nothing more.
Only us. -------- Need nothing more.

These lines are each two short phrases with music in between. Do one of these sound good?


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Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #7 on: November 16, 2019, 15:10:09
Verse:
Say we are
the fortunate ones
Say we have;
We have just begun
Empty room:
just a carpet on the floor.
( it's) Only us
It’s what carpets are for

An un-expected twist?
Kind regards, Gus


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Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #8 on: November 17, 2019, 12:00:27
How about this? Is this better @Mar T. @Dutchbeat @LePlongeur  ?

Verse:
Say we are
the fortunate ones
Say we have;
We have just begun
Empty room:
just a carpet on the floor.
( it's) Only us
(We) need nothing more.



Only us.  ------- We need nothing more.
It's only us. -------- We need nothing more.
Only us. -------- Need nothing more.

These lines are each two short phrases with music in between. Do one of these sound good?

It's all subjective, but imo definately better @Bill from November Sound !


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Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #9 on: November 18, 2019, 22:52:55
I agree with @Mar T. - the change is better re: not using the L word

But in saying that - if you do want something more poppy then I think the L word would work - it's all about the context and overall sound I think. Plus how that line is sung.

cheers


Re: New thing I'm trying ... partially finished lyrics
Reply #10 on: November 23, 2019, 00:36:30
I agree with @Mar T. - the change is better re: not using the L word

But in saying that - if you do want something more poppy then I think the L word would work - it's all about the context and overall sound I think. Plus how that line is sung.

cheers


Thanks @Jurgen ! I'm still working on it. We'll see where it goes.  ;)



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