• No One Is An Island
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No One Is An Island
on: March 29, 2018, 16:56:29
« Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 18:36:09 by tuff bransch »
Dear Lyrics Board! looking for some guidance on a new demo. pretty strange lyrics and just want to make sure its kind of correct english wise.
feel free to give advice on arrangement too :) dont care about spelling really...

i think it makes sense if you think of someone you really miss while listening.

https://soundcloud.com/tuffbranschrecords/no-one-is-an-island/s-kKVPg

new  hpefully working link ----> https://soundcloud.com/tuffbranschrecords/no-one-is-an-island-1/s-IUQSq

>the walls are closing in
>needless to deny           
>the heroes you and i
>are a last time flying by

>you knew this didnt you
>that the friend one better be
>holds together
>what were chasing after                     

>together in the wind
>with the fabric and the stripes         
>tight against our skin
>in the darkness of the night

>you smile and hold your breath           
>then i hide my jelous eyes
>you read between the lines           
>with your head against mine

>some say noone is an island     
>well i certainly dont do           
>you said noone is an island
>then oceans spread around you           

>the walls are closing in
>impossible to try       
>to hold it all back
>the ink will spread out

>hopeless to decribe           
>if im giving it a try
>youre an angel coming by
>these dirty windows

>hovering above
>let it go let it go now
>let it go and let it out

>hovering above
>let it go let it go now
>let it go and let it out
>spread the ocean all around
>let it flood the dried up ground

>some say noone is an island       
>well i certainly dont do             
>you said noone is an island
>then oceans spread around you

>some say noone is an island         
>well i certainly dont do             
>you said noone is an island
>then oceans spread around you


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #1 on: March 29, 2018, 17:29:43
The one major grammatical error that I see is:

>some say noone is an island     
>well i certainly dont do            
>you said noone is an island
>then oceans spread around you

You would either say I certainly don't or I certainly don't do that. With your rhyme scheme you might say....Not that I do.

Not sure how that will work in contrast because the track will not play for me....could be something on my end.
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

Lenny's Tunes: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680

https://soundcloud.com/vincentgleason


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #2 on: March 29, 2018, 17:35:56
« Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 17:37:56 by tuff bransch »
aaa! thank you so much @Leonard Scaper ! ill have to come up with something! i used "i certainly dont know"
before but really wanted it to rhyme :)


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #3 on: March 29, 2018, 17:40:37
« Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 17:43:51 by tuff bransch »
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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #4 on: March 29, 2018, 17:50:44
aaa! thank you so much @Leonard Scaper ! ill have to come up with something! i used "i certainly dont know"
before but really wanted it to rhyme :)

I think I certainly don't know could work fine.

Rhyming is SO overrated!  ;)


Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #5 on: March 29, 2018, 17:56:24



Hey @tuff bransch ..


Agree with what @Leonard Scaper pointed out...


Assuming you're saying that's not something you would say, how about:


Some say no-one is an island
Well that's certainly not true...
OR
That's not something I would do...


Teaming "do" with "say" doesn't really work for me but it's technically correct but if I was speaking naturally I'd say "That's not something I'd say..."


The other thing that jarred with me was the line:


The friend one better be... It's missing "had" imo - that the friend one had better be..
You could have "That to be a better friend" to keep the syllable count but think the former fits more with your lyrical style..


I also couldn't get the link to work..


K


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #6 on: March 29, 2018, 18:18:10
@Zedd  think i fixed the link now but maby it takes some time for the forum to get change...

--->"thats certainly not true" = really great advice!

"that the friend one had better be" <-- hmm... dont understand what that means really. how would you say that in other words?


@Leonard Scaper haha true! it doesnt rhyme that great over all so i thaught the choruses at least... :)


Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #7 on: March 29, 2018, 18:29:01
« Last Edit: March 29, 2018, 18:32:27 by Zedd »

"that the friend one had better be" <-- hmm... dont understand what that means really. how would you say that in other words?



Hmmmm @tuff bransch maybe I'm not understanding what you're saying?


I'm understanding that you're saying - You understand that in order to be a better friend, you would hold together what we're chasing after


Or maybe you mean " you understand that as a friend you had better hold together...."?


What I'm saying is that to you use your phrase the correct English would have a "had" in there... how to say in different words?


You knew this didn't you
That the friend you need to be OR That the friend you want to be *
Holds together
What we're chasing after


*OR if you're using "you" instead of "one" (which is a bit of a mouthful), you could stick with what you have almost just a slight mod to:
"That the friend you'd better be"


Is that all very confusing? Sorry about that!


K


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #8 on: March 29, 2018, 18:50:54
hah no worries @Zedd im the origin of the confusion here :) i actually dont really know what im trying to say... i just liked the
sound of "better be" there so... i really dont get the nuances in this. i was hoping for it to mean `something`but got busted :D

i think i was trying to say that the friends we should try to be holds together etc but...
"better be" implies that we are not friends i guess?

"That the friend you'd better be" -implies that were not friends am i right?

new link. hope it works ...


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #9 on: March 29, 2018, 19:35:38
Man, this just sounds SO good! I could listen to you all day long.

Excellent guitar tone here and the whole thing just flows beautifully.


Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #10 on: March 29, 2018, 20:02:31
hah no worries @Zedd im the origin of the confusion here :) i actually dont really know what im trying to say... i just liked the
sound of "better be" there so... i really dont get the nuances in this. i was hoping for it to mean `something`but got busted :D

i think i was trying to say that the friends we should try to be holds together etc but...
"better be" implies that we are not friends i guess?

"That the friend you'd better be" -implies that were not friends am i right?

new link. hope it works ...


Not necessarily @tuff bransch cos it could relate to the "type of friend" you'd better be which doesn't mean that you weren't friends before IMO... it means more the friend you SHOULD be...


So I listened - @Leonard Scaper is right - it's gorgeous (but then I think I have come to expect that :)!) and I guess when listening, it could pass you by without note so I guess I wouldn't worry overly about it.. that's the problem with getting too technical with the lyric but IF it were my song, I would change it and reading what you're saying here I'd probably choose:


The friend you need OR want to be... which seems to portray what you want to say or I'd go with "the friend you'd better be" if I wanted to choose those specific words..


Sorry if this is making it more confusing for you!!


K



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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #11 on: March 29, 2018, 20:49:49
@Zedd your comments are most welcome!

its not the first time i hear this thing about "one", that its pretty heavy/formal. thats good to know for me.

i think ill go with -"the friend you'd better be" then!

and i steal the ´Well that's certainly not true` phrase too!

thanx @Leonard <3 !!!


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #12 on: March 29, 2018, 22:15:59
Dear Lyrics Board! looking for some guidance on a new demo. pretty strange lyrics and just want to make sure its kind of correct english wise.
feel free to give advice on arrangement too :) dont care about spelling really...

 I'm not offering any guidance , but can give a large dollop of encouragement and praise,
 I met a youngish guy here in London at a songwriter meetup, nice guy, very talented
 he used to live in Nashville
 Had some of his songs on the Nashville TV series
 (I told wifey about this, (a country fan)
 so now I think I've seen about seven or ten series of it...)
 
 oh yeah, back to my point,
 the stuff I've heard of yours would all fit that show (I'm not calling you country-pop)
 What I mean is, you sound like the real deal....
 a really pro sound. great stuff...
Dakoda.
I prefer poisoner to fish chef...


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #13 on: March 30, 2018, 12:05:07
You are on a roll at the moment @tuff bransch - I love the roll of the verses but I wonder about the chorus metre?

I just wonder if a rework of the chorus by trying a few alternative ways of singing and playing it might make more a contrast to the verse pattern and make it stand out a bit more.
The chorus works but I just wonder if it could work better if you get my meaning ... perhaps not using arpeggios and then there is the contrast when the pattern comes back in.
Maybe strumming and slowing down the tempo to emphasise the chorus lyrics before returning to the pattern ?? Something to think about perhaps ;-)

I love the play-out section and the overall feel is great.
"Love and Life is all about connections"


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Re: No One Is An Island
Reply #14 on: March 31, 2018, 23:16:34
@Dakoda thanx for the kind words! its pretty close to country-pop i guess. id prefer folk pop but who cares really :)

@MrBouzouki thanx for the comment! i can actually agree with your critique. its not really there yet i guess. i like the melody of the chorus so I'm probably
gonna stick with that. its weird in a nice way. but the way its presented is a bit similar to the rest yes. thats the problem with my demos that they're a bit monotonous
picking wise. i think i will add some instrumental parts here and there with a piano note ala "hurt" with Johny Cash (originally nine inch nails)
and maby some piano bass notes here and there. I've got access to an out of tune upright piano and i think that would suite the style. off topic now.
definitely something to think about. how to break it all up a little. the choruses and everything. yes!



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