• Outside
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  • HappyDays



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Outside
on: August 07, 2019, 13:19:36
Hey Y'all

I recently stumbled upon a sonnet I wrote when I was a sophomore. It was for a project in English Class, and I wondered if it could be changed into a song. It's kinda been a rule that lyrics and poetry aren't the same things (Kinda true, but I beg to differ on the details), but I wanted to know if mixing the two could work. So I changed and added a few parts to the song. The structure's a bit less convenient to what I'm used to. Any suggestions and comments are definitely appreciated  :)

Verse:
From early on, I came to realize
that I donít have a space where I fit in.
Thereís no community to recognize
that I was born to live without a sin.

Inherently, Iím always just this strange;
with all the parts of my identity
being damaged by everyone. Derange
their minds - and youíll be under scrutiny.

Hook 1
So this is my reality -
the prejudice and the wicked bigotry.
Thereíll be a time when I donít have to hide;
but until then, Iíll always be outside.

Verse:
The ominous uncertainties reside
in everyone. Itís just that I have more
dubiety in me. My lifeís cockeyed,
but Iíll keep my positivity onshore.

Hook 2:
So this is what Iím fighting for -
to love the foreigner forevermore.
Thereíll be a time when I donít have to hide;
but until then, Iíll always be outside.


Re: Outside
Reply #1 on: August 07, 2019, 15:10:36
Quote
So this is what Iím fighting for -
to love the foreigner forevermore.
Thereíll be a time when I donít have to hide;
but until then, Iíll always be outside.

This, @HappyDays , would make tremendous chorus! ... in my opinion of course. :shinyteeth:  It is very relevant to what is going on in the USA. Just change it to:

 So this is what Iím fighting for -        (I'm could be we're)
to love the foreigner forevermore.
Thereíll be a time when they donít have to hide;
until then, they'll always be outside. 


This could be uuuuuge.  ;D
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


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Re: Outside
Reply #2 on: August 08, 2019, 17:04:22
When I read lyrics that may become a song I always try to sing them in my head. @Bill from November Sound mentioned that as well in another thread.

I got caught up right away on the words realize and recognize. I find three syllable words to be difficult at times in lyrics. There are a few other lines that were a bit unwieldy, but I think you have the makings of a good song if you don't mind being a little ruthless with what you wrote when it comes time to but your lyrics to music.

Sometimes dropping a word here and there makes a huge difference in the flow.

I really like this....it flows nicely:

So this is what Iím fighting for -
to love the foreigner forevermore.
Thereíll be a time when I donít have to hide;
but until then, Iíll always be outside.


But, for instance, Thereíll be a time when I donít have to hide  might work just as well as Thereíll be a time when I donít hide.





"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

Lenny's Tunes: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680

https://soundcloud.com/vincentgleason


Re: Outside
Reply #3 on: August 08, 2019, 17:37:39
Yes.
I like that what @Leonard Scaper did there. "There'll be a time when I don't hide." ---- good flow!
True @HappyDays ... you have to be willing to chop off a word here or there so that it can be sung. :)


Re: Outside
Reply #4 on: September 06, 2019, 18:32:49
Hola @HappyDays

I can't dare to correct any of your lyrics but I liked reading them. Totally agree. A Martian says goodbye to you. Mora
I did not know that to live I had to die so many times
My Youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow
My Vimeo Songs of Thought channel:
https://vimeo.com/channels/moraamarolaloba
My Vimeo Downtempo channel:
https://vimeo.com/channels/moramarolalobadowntempo