• Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
  • Started by Mar T.
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Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
on: June 20, 2018, 02:07:04
Hearing this one in my head for a year already. Not perfect at all, but pure..
I'd love our English native speakers to comment on the lyrics, my weakest part.
I hope I can continue recording this week, let me know if these words make sense..

SORRY!!

---Verse:

It's been a long day and night..
I poor a cup of coffee, might help to remember..
Did I run (right) into my fantasy
Have I lost the reason why, in my imageries..

---Verse2:

Losing touch of the world around me,
When I'm turning left and right, in the maze contained in my head..
Not understanding... not even listening..
Hyper-focus-sing...

--- Pre:

I will keep going on
Blinded by the light.. (as I move ahead..........break. chorus!)

--- Chorus:

I want to scream, will somebody listen?
I need to shout, do you still miss me?
Do you ever need to feel, that I'm around?
Tell me, just tell me.. (I'm hidden away..) 

--- Verse:

Too many versions of the same,
The same will differ, for every single mind..
I'm always chasing the butterfly
When the crawling caterpillar.. is on it's way..

--- Pre:
I will keep going on
Deafened by the sound..

--- Chorus:

I want to scream, will somebody listen?
I need to shout, do you still miss me?
Do you ever need to feel, that I'm around?
Tell me, just tell me.. I'm hidden away..

--- Pre extended:
I will keep going on (As I move ahead...)
Blinded by the light..
I will keep going on (Will go ahead...)
Deafened by the sound..

-SORRY!!-
-SORRY!!-

Solo over the chorus

Chorus.

Any help appreciated kitcheners!! Looking forward to record an original again..

Cheers!
:mart:


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Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #1 on: June 20, 2018, 02:28:55
Excellent to see you working on an original @Mar T.  ...can't wait to hear it.

These are somewhat complex lyrics and that makes it even more intriguing to see what you will be doing with them. They work well for the most part......just a few things stood out to me.....some just spelling:

It's been a long day and night..
I pour a cup of coffee, might help to remember..
Did I run (right) into my fantasy
Have I lost the reason why, in my imageries.  love the use of imageries

Losing touch with the world around me,
When I'm turning left and right, in the maze contained in my head.. contained in my head feels a bit unwieldy to me but you might be able to pull it off. I might simplify to that's in my head
Not understanding... not even listening..
Hyper-focus-sing...


"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

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Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #2 on: June 20, 2018, 02:37:31
PERFECT @Leonard Scaper !! That's just the parts I was worrying about and you 'put' your finger on those parts, and supplying perfect suggestions!! Thank you!! Hope to present v1 soon!


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Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #3 on: September 15, 2018, 02:20:25
« Last Edit: September 15, 2018, 02:26:01 by Mar T. »
Next take on these lyrics.. Originally they were about me being over-stimulated. Then my mom got a bad stroke, and I saw parallels between the state I was referring to in my original lyrics, and the state she was in just after her stroke (aphasia, apraxia). And I learned a lot from the power and courage she showed. She's been working so hard to rehabilitate, wanting to get over her handicap. After a few months now, she is recovered to let's say 70%. I'm very proud of her.. I need to add that she has terminal lung cancer, and is in her bonus time.
I decided to add that contrast to my original lyrics. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. So my question is: does it work? Is that tension/contrast there when you read the lyrics and 'know' the context? I'm very open to suggestions.. Especially suggestions that can add to that tension/contrast.
I already have the musical idea.. Going to be very much contrast in there too. From fingerpicking verses to rocking and almost screaming choruses.

So any help really appreciated!! Here's the new version of the lyrics:

-I Understand- (not sure about that title yet)

---Verse:

It's been a long night..
I pour a cup of coffee, might help to remember..
Did I run (right) into my fantasy
Have I lost the reason why, in my imageries..

---Verse2:

Losing touch with the world around me,
When I'm turning left and right, in the maze that's in my head..
Not understanding... not even listening..
Concentrating, not even wondering...

--- Pre:

I will keep going on
Blinded by the light.. (and I close my eyes... break. chorus!)

--- Chorus:

I want to scream, will somebody listen?
I need to shout, do you still miss me?
Do you ever need to feel, that I'm around?
Tell me, just tell me.. (I'm hidden away..) 

--- Verse:

Too many versions of the same,
The same will differ, for every single mind..
I'm always chasing the butterfly
When the crawling caterpillar.. (is on it's way..)

--- Pre:
I will keep going on
Deafened by the sound.. (and move both hands towards my ears..)

--- Chorus:

I want to scream, will somebody listen?
I need to shout, do you still miss me?
Do you ever need to feel, that I'm around?
Tell me, just tell me.. I'm hidden away..

--- Pre extended:
I will keep going on (and I close my eyes...)
Blinded by the light..
I will keep going on (and move both hands towards my ears...)
Deafened by the sound..

-I Understand.. like I never did before -
-I Understand you.. glad you're still around -

BTW the 'I' form (first person) could be from 'my' as well as 'her' perspective..

Cheers!
Mar T.
:mart:


Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #4 on: September 15, 2018, 23:27:55
Hi @Mar T.  to me this works very well lyrically ( though I may not be the best judge of that) . I greatly appreciate the contradictions and contrast within this story/reflection of a song. I also believe this would work well for families who are dealing with a loved one who has dementia/alzheimers. There are many times when we want to shout  " will you listen?" " are you still there?" " do you miss me?"  but it is the wrong thing to do ....you have to keep the calm persona .... but the sadness and anger just burns you up...... these lyrics, to me, express that very well.

I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this.  :(
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


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Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #5 on: September 16, 2018, 02:21:30
...I also believe this would work well for families who are dealing with a loved one who has dementia/alzheimers. There are many times when we want to shout  " will you listen?" " are you still there?" " do you miss me?"  but it is the wrong thing to do ....you have to keep the calm persona .... but the sadness and anger just burns you up...... these lyrics, to me, express that very well...

Wow thank you @Bill from November Sound , you actually helped me understand what's happening in these lyrics!! That's exactly what I want to express. Of course I never expressed it this way in RL, it's just a locked box filled with emotions that's coming out. Hey and we songwriters know that we can get it out of our system by expressing them in music don't we? Thank you so much for your words!! I'll carefully review the lyrics once again, and then record the track. One question: does 'The same will differ, for every single mind..' need to be changed to IN every single mind?

I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this.  :(
Thanks man, I know everybody goes to these kind of circumstances (maybe not exacltly the same, but people around us are getting older, and life can be cruel..).. Appreciated!
Cheers!
Mar T.
:mart:


Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #6 on: September 16, 2018, 02:39:06
IMO it works either way. "In" flows a little better.
Also, "will" can have more than one meaning and I think it works here. (As part of future perfect progressive verb or as the noun)
 
What you're writing is not really conversational but rather poetic English.  In that respect each word or short phrase kind of conjures up a feeling. To me it works. ( again, others are much more picky than I am.....) There isn't any kind of error in the lyrics that I notice.


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Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #7 on: September 16, 2018, 02:47:47
Ah ok, then probably I'll go for 'in' and keep 'will'.. seems I have a choice when singing though, that's great to know.
Wow, I'd love to write poetic english @Bill from November Sound , but I guess others (and most of the time native-english-speakers)  are way better at that. I always try to 'paint a picture' by giving some clues about an emotion and to make words sound a bit natural when sung in the meter. Not by theory, but by 'feel'. Very hard to do in a foreign language.. So I'm really delighted that it seems to work at least for you! Thanks for your words!

Anybody else here with second thoughts please feel welcome to shoot at these words.. I want them to be good and strong..  ;) ;)

Cheers!
Mar T.


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Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #8 on: September 17, 2018, 02:35:26
« Last Edit: September 17, 2018, 02:39:18 by MrBouzouki »
Sorry to hear about your family situation @Mar T.  :-(

Some powerful imagery here. I've added a few possibilities for you  to look at.  I've just included the bits that I thought you might think about. 

--Verse:

It's been a long night..
I pour a cup of coffee, might help to remember..
Did [ I FALL into my fantasy
Have I lost the reason why, in my imageries..

I like the idea of falling, it suggests lack on control and you have the alliteration of Fall and Fantasy too

---Verse2:

Losing touch with the world around me,
LEFT IS RIGHT AND RIGHT IS LEFT, in the maze that's in my head..
Not understanding... not even listening..
Concentrating, not even wondering...

I thought the imagery of Left and Right muddled up suggests confusion and it sort of links to a maze idea

--- Verse:

Too many versions of the TRUTH,
The TRUTH will differ, for every single mind..
I'm always chasing the butterfly
When the crawling caterpillar.. (is on it's way..)

My final idea is one of truth being one of many possibilities and often it is subtly different  for everybody




"Love and Life is all about connections"


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Re: Sorry!! - Need help on these lyrics/words
Reply #9 on: September 17, 2018, 23:47:40
Hey Pete ( @MrBouzouki ) thanks a lot for this review, kind words, and your excellent suggestions!
I really love the 'FALL' suggestion! Definately going to implement that one!
For the other suggestions I'm going to see what sounds best when singing (often I have to ajust the words a bit to make it all fit the meter). Great to have some alternatives by then...
That was really helpful!!
Cheers man!
Mar T.
:mart:



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