• Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy - or singer-songwriter)
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« Last Edit: May 09, 2019, 14:27:32 by DonMar »
A lyric from two years ago.  I've revised it, changed the structure, turning the first two lines of the old chorus into a pre-chorus, as well as changing a few words throughout. I've also written a new bridge.
As you'll see, lines 1 & 2 in the verses are - shall we say - a little odd.  ;)

Meanwhile I've replaced the words that were in the original (in red).

Can you envisage it with music and smoky female vocals? Or a with a soulful singer-songwriter approach?

I'd really appreciate your feedback. Give it to me both barrels.  I can handle constructive critique. :D


Still Got Time

V1
Often I hunger for the touch of a hand
The lure of a song so Iíll know Iím alive
Heaven only knows I do what I can
ÖI wanna feel a volcano inside

Pre-chorus
But whoís gonna tell me he loves me
Whoís gonna tell me Iím fine

Chorus
Iím wrapped in an illusion
Hopiní Iíve still got time
Like a golden-haired girl
In a fairy-tale world
Hopiní Iíve still got time

V2
Often I hunger for the sound of a voice
The hint of a smile that has nothing to hide
Heaven only knows I do what I can
ÖI wanna feel a tsunami inside

Pre-chorus
But whoís gonna tell me he loves me
Whoís gonna tell me Iím fine

Chorus
Iím wrapped in an illusion
Hopiní Iíve still got time
Like a golden-haired girl
In a fairy-tale world
Hopiní Iíve still got time

Bridge
Maybe one day Iíll soar
Where the phoenix flies
Leave behind all the ashes of lies
Glide in the glow of paradise

Chorus
Iím wrapped in an illusion
Hopiní Iíve still got time
Like a golden-haired girl
In a fairy-tale world
Hopiní Iíve still got time

Outro
Whoís gonna tell me he loves me
Whoís gonna tell me Iím fine

© 2017-2019 Donna Devine
Honour the earth. Without It, we'd be nowhere. - D.D.


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Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #1 on: April 17, 2019, 21:05:14
I have to admit that those two first lines in the verses make me stop. I'm on the fence about the result of that stop.

A hand will certainly make a sound on skin, even in a gentle caress; and the sound of a voice travels as a physical wave so, in theory, it could be felt........but I'm not sure that I want to have to stop and figure all that out while listening to the song. The imagery of those two lines may be just a bit too disconcerting which could impact the flow of the song in general.

The scent of a smile leaves me with a similar feeling of....wait, what?

Wait...that's three barrels.  8)

 :)

I love the bridge.

"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

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https://soundcloud.com/vincentgleason


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Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #2 on: April 17, 2019, 21:10:16
Thank you for that feedback, Leonard.  :)

I agree - I was kind of pushing the envelope with those first lines in each verse.  Just experimenting. Sometimes surprising contrasts can work, but even I don't think they've been successful here.  ;) Ah well. Easy enough to make the necessary adjustments.

Donna


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Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #3 on: April 17, 2019, 21:14:32
I agree - I was kind of pushing the envelope with those first lines in each verse. 

The envelope must be pushed, Donna. As songwriters it is how we keep things fresh and interesting, right?

I, for one, am thankful to have a place like our Kitchen where we can flesh this stuff out among friends.


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Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #4 on: April 17, 2019, 21:18:52
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 21:22:12 by DonMar »
I agree entirely, @Leonard Scaper , on both counts: pushing the envelope, and feeling we're in a safe space where we know our 'babies' will be treated with respect and honesty, even if they need a lot more work. ;)

Meanwhile, I've changed those words, so the lyric is - I hope - a little more accessible. Let me know what you think.

Donna


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Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #5 on: April 19, 2019, 10:48:00
« Last Edit: April 19, 2019, 11:04:57 by MrBouzouki »
Hi @DonMar .... for some reason this popped into my head whilst reading your lyric.

I'm not sure if it adds anything more to the lyric but I thought it worth posting it.

Maybe one day Iíll soar
Where the phoenix flies
Leaving behind
All the ashes of lies
Into the glow of paradise
"Love and Life is all about connections"


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Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #6 on: April 19, 2019, 17:25:05
i like these lyrics @DonMar  :thumbsup: , so no (double) barrels from me
me, myself, and Pie


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Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #7 on: April 20, 2019, 13:42:20
@Dutchbeat, thank you.  :)

@MrBouzouki, suggestions are always welcome.  :) 

In fact, line 5 was/is a bit of a placeholder. I'm still pondering...

Donna


Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #8 on: May 01, 2019, 09:32:46
@DonMar These lyrics are wonderful!
A story told, ambiguous yet relatable.
Absolutely love how the bridge lifts bringing in create imagery.

Troispr


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Re: Still Got Time (maybe jazzy-bluesy)
Reply #9 on: May 01, 2019, 13:42:08
@Troispr, thank you for taking the time to read this, and for your kind comments. :)
 
Welcome to the Kitchen. I'm fairly new here myself, but have found it to be a cosy place - or 'gezellig' as the Dutch say. ;)

Donna



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