• System Cracker
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System Cracker
on: September 13, 2020, 20:04:36
« Last Edit: September 13, 2020, 20:19:57 by Mo »
A more or less result by quick prompt writing  after I just got inspired for that. I think I will try to find music for it , somewhen and more somehow....



System Cracker

She is 10 years and three quater
A sweet face and silky blond hair
Her bright eyes shines like ice water
An unique person nothing can compare

She yearns for it so much
to live like her younger sis and brother
Get a hug or just a gentle touch
from her deep beloved beloved mother

Mama, Mama hug me now!
I will mend and I will it you owe.

But she had them to leave
Not just her mother is afraid of her
Cuz can't controll her violence and grieve
Experienced as baby and always was there

She passed on some homes for kids
Spat on teachers and did curses cruddy
And even several schools, forth or fifth
Too hard she beat her classmates bloody

Mama, Mama hug me now!
I will mend and I will it you owe.

Failed educational measures vision
Too cowardly the single mother
Too young for closed psychatric and prison.
So she is sent to Kenya and nobody will get bother.
Anymore
Anymore

Mama, Mama hug me now!
I will mend and I will it you owe.
only once
only one last time


Re: System Cracker
Reply #1 on: September 14, 2020, 01:57:13
Hey @Mo  .... this is cool! Maybe we can help you to get the English to flow a little bit better before you set it to music?
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


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Re: System Cracker
Reply #2 on: September 14, 2020, 10:06:22
Of course you can use a prompt, as a trigger, inside and outside the prompt writing setting.
We call that inspiration. And I think that this poem of yours is inspirational too.
Like it a lot. @Mo
Kind regards, Gus


Re: System Cracker
Reply #3 on: September 14, 2020, 16:36:43
Wow !  do you write in German and then translate @Mo  ?  I watched a TV show where the plot was something like this.  I get a lot of inspiration from reading and watching TV, how about you?
Vince


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Re: System Cracker
Reply #4 on: September 14, 2020, 17:34:41
« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 18:15:36 by Mo »
Hey @Mo Maybe we can help you to get the English to flow a little bit better before you set it to music?
Yes, that would be great!  :) @Bill from November Sound I think I could need help with the flow.
Especially now with some distance i need to rework the last part anyway, I forgot the part about she only calms down with a high and growing dosage of drugs the doctors gave her.  When I've written i didn't payed that much attention if the words will flow.... usually i get that latley when I try to sing them and then I change words, cull or replace them. As good as I'm able to.

@LePlongeur  thank you  for reading Gus, Its truley nice that we always can count  on  you!  :D


@Vince regulary I try to write direct lyin english and  I seldom watch TV -Programms or shows anymore since some years, usually reading  more or search for documentaries directly that i find interesting. But exceptions confirms this rule ;)

This poem  indeed i tried translate from german into english, but was hard, because  in german we have a lot of terms for different things, especially when it comes to social departments and their messures and  a lot of rules and bablabla that shells catch all social cases in a 'social-net' but this works sometimes  just theoretically.  Find  the right terms seemed not easy and my amount of own english words is not enough for this kind of stuff... maybe with a longer research, I would do better. So i tried to express it  with easy all day words, the process was.... ehm a bit chaotic  ;). And you are right again , here i got the inspiration by something i saw  by accident in TV yesterday that did a deep cut in my soul of beeing a mother.




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Re: System Cracker
Reply #5 on: September 14, 2020, 23:20:23
« Last Edit: September 16, 2020, 07:31:59 by Mo »
@Bill from November Sound , i know there are many ways someone can aproache to a new song. And sure mine is a more unprofessional one.










Re: System Cracker
Reply #6 on: September 15, 2020, 03:16:38
If you don't mind @Mo I'm just going to paste the lyrics here and comment regarding the flow and correctness of the English  :)
You can do the same for me when I write a song in German ....  :D

She is 10 years and three quater
A sweet face and silky blond hair
Her bright eyes shines like ice water.          ( love this imagery amd rhyme)
An unique person nothing can compare.     ( no one can compare , nobody can compare, to whom none can compare  )
 
She yearns for it so much
to live like her younger sis and brother.    (we often say little sister. Sis not very common. ... it still kind of works, though.)
Get a hug or just a gentle touch
from her deep beloved beloved mother.  ( deeply beloved or dearly beloved  )

Mama, Mama hug me now!
I will mend and I will it you owe.  I'm not sure about this.

But she had them to leave
Not just her mother is afraid of her
Cuz can't controll her violence and grieve.   (grief)
Experienced as baby and always was there.    ... again not sure ..

She passed on some homes for kids
Spat on teachers and did curses cruddy.  "cruddy"  is a rarely used childish form of vulgarity
And even several schools, forth or fifth
Too hard she beat her classmates bloody. 

Mama, Mama hug me now!
I will mend and I will it you owe.

Failed educational measures vision
Too cowardly the single mother
Too young for closed psychatric and prison.
So she is sent to Kenya and nobody will get bother. as you said before you have more gradations in your language for institutions .... not sure if this translates ie "closed psychiatric" and "sent to Kenya" I don't really know what this means
Anymore
Anymore

Mama, Mama hug me now!
I will mend and I will it you owe.
only once
only one last time




@Leonard Scaper , @MrBouzouki  and @Vince are really good at helping people with their English lyrics so I'll tag them too.

This has  some beautiful imagery and it is incredible that you can write in a second language so well. I have to say I really feel this one. (probably the teacher in me...) Just fix up a few little awkward language spots and this can be a really cool song in my opinion.


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Re: System Cracker
Reply #7 on: September 15, 2020, 12:45:02
« Last Edit: September 15, 2020, 12:47:42 by Mo »
This is a great help @Bill from November Sound and i really appreciate the way how you do it!
Indeed it's  akward to me either realizing the mistakes i've done and I'm glad i can't hear the silent public laughin..... ;D O0
I will try to find alternatives for this spots and if you don't mind will post it again then.

And yes, sure, it would be a great honor to me if i would be able to help you as well with german once you'll do a german song! That would be fantastic you would do!
There is no progress with us if we never try to step beyond our comfort zones.


Re: System Cracker
Reply #8 on: September 15, 2020, 14:43:14
Of course @Mo and @Bill from November Sound  I'm always happy to help in anyway I can.  Bill, I think you've cleaned up the little grammatical errors nicely.

As far as translations, I've got my little Mia to help me but now they've started the school year in Germany. She is another drummer Bill, but the girl can sing as well.

Have you ever heard a person -  you know their speaking English, but their accent is so bad you don't understand a word? Well that is me in German (any language really),  When were in Germany I always start out in German, but it always ends up in English. I think they appreciate the effort though.

Mega Karma to you


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Re: System Cracker
Reply #9 on: September 16, 2020, 08:25:33
« Last Edit: September 16, 2020, 08:50:35 by Mo »
Nother try:


System cracker


She is 10 years and three quater
A sweet face with silky blond hair
Her bright eyes shines like ice water
Unique girl no one can compare

How hard  she longs for it so much
to live like her younger brother
Get a hug or just a gentle touch
 from her dearly beloved mother


Mama, Mama, I want stay
I do love you
Please hug me anyway


For quite a while she had to leave
 not just mum is afraid of her
she can't controll anger and grief,
  since done to her always was there

She has passed through some home for kids
 Spat on teachers respects nobody
And even some schools, forth or fifth,
 too hard she beat her classmates bloody

Mama, Mama, I want stay
I do love you
Please hug me anyway

No longer this girl shell bother
facilities of Childcare fail
too coward the single mother
 More sedatives will do her pale

Also she's too young for prison
 but must away from here best far
 youth camp is the next descision
  rehomes her in south Africa

Mama, Mama, I want stay
I do love you
Please hug me anyway



@Vince Thank you for offering help too, Maybe next time i could ask you directly before public? BTW I have a little Mia too! ;)

Best wishes to you all!
Mo


Re: System Cracker
Reply #10 on: September 16, 2020, 23:01:09
Wow @Mo this getting better and better!

Now I get it.
So the little is getting sent to juvenile facility/jail/ miltary school and doesn't want to go .... but nobody knows what to do with her.
She says


Mama, Mama I want to stay
I do love you
Please hug me anyway



..... that's powerful emotion for the chorus.



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Re: System Cracker
Reply #11 on: September 17, 2020, 10:15:40


Now I get it.
So the little is getting sent to juvenile facility/jail/ miltary school and doesn't want to go .... but nobody knows what to do with her.


Exactly @Bill from November Sound
first the little had to go from own family too, because the mother fears her growing violence and later refuses to take her back.

Quote
She says


Mama, Mama I want to stay
I do love you
Please hug me anyway

I will prepare it with guitar. Hope this will work.



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