• What is sadness? - Lyrics needing revision
  • Started by Mora Amaro La Loba
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What is sadness? - Lyrics needing revision
on: September 06, 2019, 18:38:50
« Last Edit: September 07, 2019, 18:05:56 by Mora Amaro La Loba »
I would greatly appreciate your suggestions on these lyrics.
I know they are poetry but I sing that.

I think this future song has to be soft and deep, so I will mess with my keyboard and its simplicity.
If someone wants to make his song, go ahead!

Gracias.



What
is
sadness

maybe
the heart
that becomes a bell
vibrating with the depth
that a tear can have

maybe
the last breath
of a rose to the hand
that pulls it out of the earth
where its parfum was science

what
is
sadness

a point of light
trembling in the eyes

a colour surrounding you
made of grey and salt visages

a wave that becomes a thought
making you float
in a void
where the bitter
gives sensations
of a soft way of dying

What is sadness?
I did not know that to live I had to die so many times
https://vimeo.com/onacarom


Re: What is sadness? - Lyrics needing revision
Reply #1 on: September 15, 2019, 18:34:03
« Last Edit: September 15, 2019, 18:36:22 by 1roomstudio »
I would greatly appreciate your suggestions on these lyrics.
I know they are poetry but I sing that.

I think this future song has to be soft and deep, so I will mess with my keyboard and its simplicity.
If someone wants to make his song, go ahead!

Gracias.



What
is
sadness

maybe
the heart
that becomes a bell
vibrating with the depth
that a tear can have

maybe
the last breath
of a rose to the hand
that pulls it out of the earth
where its parfum was science

what
is
sadness

a point of light
trembling in the eyes

a colour surrounding you
made of grey and salt visages

a wave that becomes a thought
making you float
in a void
where the bitter
gives sensations
of a soft way of dying

What is sadness?

Your gift for poetry is formidable @Mora Amaro La Loba especially for metaphor.

I especially like

a point of light
trembling in the eyes

And

where the bitter
gives sensations
of a soft way of dying

In fact... I feel like it should end there rather than repeat “what is sadness” perhaps even repeat

“a soft way of dying “ for an ending.

The one phrase I might change would be.. “salt visages” to...

a colour surrounding you
made of grey and salted visions

Looking forward to hearing it... and of course your marvelous video treatment! 😎




Re: What is sadness? - Lyrics needing revision
Reply #2 on: September 15, 2019, 20:01:10

Hi @1roomstudio

Thank you very much. I appreciate a lot your comment and ideas but I finally did the poem-song-video and shared it on "songs for review" subforum.

Muchas gracias.
Mora



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