• Wings
  • Started by Mark Luto
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Wings
on: December 11, 2017, 13:50:21
I've written this a couple of weeks ago for the current competition. Unfortunately I won't be able to finish the song in time (for personal reasons) but I kind of like it and want to continue with it sooner or later. So (like always when I write something in English) I'd be gratetful for opinions and corrections, primarily (but not only) by native speakers. Thank you! :)

Wings

flickering lights
like pearls on strings
they're out of reach
I watch them dim

and the world
so far below
fades away
under the haze

time turned off
above the sea
close to the stars
I get sleepy

is this
down there
the place
we call
our home?


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Re: Wings
Reply #1 on: December 11, 2017, 16:44:46
The only obvious bit that stands out to me @Mark Luto is the Time turned off line.
It's not easy suggesting an alternative without knowing your intention with the lyric, the metre etc.

Are you suggesting a feeling of being out of time, a feeling of suspension of the normal feeling of life ?

Time suspended above the sea

You could try "An interlude in time, above the sea" but this might too fancy


"Love and Life is all about connections"


  • MichaelA
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Re: Wings
Reply #2 on: December 11, 2017, 17:20:06
« Last Edit: December 13, 2017, 13:40:29 by MichaelA »
Hi @Mark Luto , well I certainly couldn't do this in another language, so this is great. I had a couple of reservations - for example, there is no rhyme scheme and although 'wings' appear in the title it is difficult to latch onto the concept of the song without that source context.

(EDIT 13/12: I did do an edit version, but have removed this, as on reflection feel I should not be editing your very good work to that extent, sorry!)
If you like novels with a musical theme, why not try 'Sixth Beatle - When Music Changed The World', easily found on Amazon and Google. It is amazing, although as the author I may be biased!


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Re: Wings
Reply #3 on: December 11, 2017, 17:37:50
I actually like it just as it is. I am drawn to the short, somewhat clipped phrasing and cadence.

these three lines together work for me exactly as they are:

time turned off
above the sea
close to the stars
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

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Re: Wings
Reply #4 on: January 10, 2018, 21:44:22
This is so soft and sweet, I really like it! The simplicity and peacefulness are marvelous.
Hey, it's cheaper than therapy.


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Re: Wings
Reply #5 on: January 13, 2018, 15:06:17
Hey all, and thank you! I haven‘t been to this thread for far too long. I really shouldn‘t ask for help and then not look at it, sorry! :-[

@MrBouzouki I like your „time suspended“ idea, that pretty well hits the mark. :)

@MichaelA why did you remove your edited version? I would have loved to read it...

@Leonard Scaper Thanks Lenny, your expertise is very valuable to me. ;D

Thank you @TheMobRapper !

It will be a very soft and „dreamy“ song. The basic idea was to describe my thoughts and feelings when looking out the window on a long-distance flight. But I wanted it to be not that specific, leave room for interpretation. Not sure if „Wings“ is the right title...

I added a little passage in the meantime:


Wings

flickering lights
like pearls on strings
they're out of reach
I watch them dim

and the world
so far below
fades away
under the haze

and I don't know
anymore

time turned off
above the sea
close to the stars
I get sleepy

and I don't know
anymore

is this
down there
the place
we call
our home?


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Re: Wings
Reply #6 on: January 13, 2018, 15:09:58
Hey Mark. I think that minor addition will really add to the song. I hope you get to finishing this one up.


Re: Wings
Reply #7 on: January 13, 2018, 18:23:00
I like the addition of the lines:

and I don't know
anymore

It adds to the "depth" of the vast meaning behind it, and it really fits into the whole meaning of the song. I'm a little backed up at the moment, but soon I'd like to make an instrumental for this. If you'd like me to, that is! Keep up the good work, @Mark Luto



xx
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