• Walking Blind - Poem
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Walking Blind - Poem
on: February 26, 2017, 23:05:55
Hello

I did a little writing yesterday and came up with this little piece. This one got really tricky to work with in a few parts. I had to break the structure just a little bit to make it work. I'm hoping a fresh pair of eyes can see something I'm not. All comments and suggestions are welcomed, thanks.

Walking Blind


Searching for something that I canít seem to find
Iím praying for kindness and some piece of mind
I once lived a life that I had to leave behind
Yet Iím still searching for something, I canít seem to find

Days they come and than they go, leaving me ostracized
Am I still a man to you, if Iíd brake down and cry
Why work so hard, when you donít even know why
Iím searching tirelessly for something, that I just canít seem to find

Alone it feels I walk this earth without any real place to be
Happiness feels so far away, a home is what I need
Because the days they come and than they go passing me behind
I tried to erase all my pain by getting stupid high

It is to me a mystery, am I a victim of a crime
Iím losing more than a piece of me, I wish it was just my mind
Whatever it was I was searching for, I still canít seem to find
I turned my head into the living dead, itís clear Iím walking blind.


Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #1 on: February 27, 2017, 01:52:17
Hi @joehoe I like your poem, were you planning on making a song out of it? I don't think I've ever heard the word ostracized in a song.


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #2 on: February 27, 2017, 02:14:45
Vincent my man!

Honest answer, kinda lol.

You see I began writing this recently after a long sabbatical from writing. It was one of those times where I just needed to write and be creative. It started off as a poem, but I also recognized the potential for it to be a song as well. I tried to convert it for fifteen minutes and quickly said screw this it's going t stay a poem!

Thanks for your comment! All the best my friend!
J.Hoe 


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #3 on: February 27, 2017, 08:42:20
@joehoe , welcome to the forum!

Thanks for joining, i hope you will like it here!

(will have to read and comment on the poem later.....because of day job obligations  ;D ;D ;D ;D)
me, myself, and Pie


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #4 on: February 27, 2017, 19:02:23
Dutchbeat

I'm looking towards your insight.

Best
J.Hoe


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #5 on: February 27, 2017, 20:07:11
 ;D ;D ;D ;D haha @joehoe
don't expect too much from my insights

especially on lyrics

because........ ;D ;D ;D ;D well
I am Dutch, you know

so my English is not great
not Tremendous anyway
let alone:
Amazing even  :P :P :P :P :P
but......these lyrics flow well in my Dutch mind
although the rhymes are a bit staightforward (find, mind, behind, blind)
but it flows very well

and some of the lines are awesome, i like this one very much:
"Iím losing more than a piece of me, I wish it was just my mind"
and i like this line too, and can hear fragile music (in my mind) to this:
"Am I still a man to you, if Iíd brake down and cry"

great lyrics to put to music i think  ::thumb:: ::thumb:: ::thumb::



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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #6 on: February 27, 2017, 20:47:58
Hey DB.

Seriously thanks for your insight.  ::thumb::

It's always helpful when someone points out specific things they do and don't like in a piece.

(I'm going to throw this out there)

If anyone reading this wants to put music to this, or think it might fit an instrumental or a melody, feel free to use it. Just contact me with whith a general heads up. Also I like to hear the things I share.  ::smiley::

Thanks again D.B!
J.Hoe


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #7 on: February 27, 2017, 21:29:03
well, i would like to put these lyrics to music,
but
it would be very Dutchbeat EDM synth music... :P :P :P
which is a mix of Old School and yet..... somewhat Modern, over the top, synths and beats music
(i wished  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D)   

i would like to collab on this, @joehoe
but my music is probably not what you are looking for .... ::) ::) ::)
(don't worry  8) 8) :P :P :P :P, i get that all the time)


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #8 on: February 27, 2017, 21:33:22
and... ;D ;D ;D ;D i would like it if you would sing it @joehoe
8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

let's go for it anyway  ::) ??? ??? ????



Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #9 on: February 28, 2017, 01:04:34
I know @Dutchbeat will do a great job @joehoe .
I'm looking forward to listening to the song version. Are you going to kind of do what Paul Simon did with "Richard Corey", or will you stay true to the text?  ??? Will you be using the word ostracized?  ;D ::)

V


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #10 on: February 28, 2017, 03:44:06
« Last Edit: February 28, 2017, 03:52:47 by joehoe »
Dutch Beat

Wow, I honestly didn't expect anyone to want to work with it so fast. I take that as a huge compliment, thank you.

I'm willing to meet you halfway. What I can do is the full blown vocals and help you polish the song. But unfortunately, I don't have the time to restructure this poem into a song.

I mentioned earlier that I tried briefly to convert this poem into song format with a melody and it just wasn't happening for me. The biggest problem I was having was I can't see how I could sing the lines without completely redoing the structure. To me it reads very "talky." like something I would use to read out loud at poetry circle. Please understand that I have an extremely analytical, detailed, time consuming and workman style of composing music.

As for your request to sing it, I can't in its current form. I could talk it for you. I did check out some of your music on soundcloud and I was impressed. Let me know if I can help, or let me know what your ideas are on the subject.

@vincent_stewart
Lmao over the "ostracized" comments. I SAID this got hard in parts! lol

Best thoughts to all!
joe.H

@Vince I'm not sure I get your Paul Simon reference ." Are you going to kind of do what Paul Simon did with "Richard Corey?"


Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #11 on: February 28, 2017, 15:12:32
« Last Edit: February 28, 2017, 15:24:56 by vincent_stewart »
@joehoe  "Richard Corey" was a poem, I forget by who(m), but Paul Simon adapted it to a song by the same name (and had a minor hit with it back in the early '60's) George Harrison also covered the song. I just brought it up as an example of a poem that couldn't be a song, could be adapted. I can't think of anything like that in recent history (hit the geezer alarm)

Maybe if @Dutchbeat asks Mrs. DB nicely she might sing, she is really good imo.

PS - I don't think this needs any rework - as I wrote b4 - I really like the poem, it touched me somehow, hence the comments.


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #12 on: March 05, 2017, 00:07:30
V Dog

Thanks for the kind words Vince.

Maybe, Ms D.B. would be interested in doing the vocals? She has a much better voice than I do that's for sure.

I was looking at the poem again trying to decide if it could be reworked. The first verse is singable as is. The second half of the second verse   "leaving me ostracized." is what throws off the melody.

@Dutchbeat
If you're still interested in collaborating with this let me know. I'm interested in seeing what you have in mind and hearing your ideas.

Best
Hoe


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #13 on: March 05, 2017, 00:43:28
I like the poem @joehoe and I think it would make a great song.

The only comment on the structure would be the third verse seems to have a different rhyming pattern (I'm sure there's a proper word for that).

ie the other verses all end with the same rhyme but the third verse has the first two lines ending on an "ee" sound and the last two on an "eye" - not sure if that matters.

I actually think this has a blues feel about it. But let's see what @Dutchbeat and Mrs DB come up with - looking forward to it.

cheers


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Re: Walking Blind - Poem
Reply #14 on: March 05, 2017, 14:21:53
@joehoe ....i have my music gear up and running again, i will give it go  ;D ;D ;D ;D



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