Songwriters in the Kitchen!

Board index => Lyrics => Topic started by: Unholy Confessions on August 25, 2015, 02:46:14

Title: Lyrics for a song
Post by: Unholy Confessions on August 25, 2015, 02:46:14
I'm still working on the music, but the lyrics go as followed:

I've been gone in my mind for so long
Now it's time to say goodbye
Do not fear, no need to worry
I do not see this as wrong

Life has taken all its course
Now it just feels like a chore
It's time for me to close the door
As I visit the other side

Is there pain in the afterlife?
I want to laugh but never cry
I cannot do that here
As there is too much I fear


Life has taken all its course
Now it just feels like a chore
It's time for me to close the door
As I visit the other side

If I could
And I would
I'd stay by your side
But its my time
Goodbye


Life has taken all its course
Now it just feels like a chore
It's time for me to close the door
As I visit the other side

Title: Re: Lyrics for a song
Post by: Dutchbeat on August 25, 2015, 09:19:27
good flow in these lyrics on a heavy subject, it seems to me

lyrics look good to me, but i may not be the best person to Judge that and give feedback on lyrics (because my native language is Dutch)

Title: Re: Lyrics for a song
Post by: Rabid Parrot on September 11, 2015, 07:44:22
Hey.  I know your main influences are metal, so I hope my references to non-metal songs don't offend.  Also, I only can comment so indepth about something that connects with me, so I hope you will see it as a compliment!

I immediately felt a Third Eye Blind (How's It Gonna Be) vibe to this song - the lyrical pacing - half jumpy. 
https://open.spotify.com/track/3Uvx1TO0Kg5HgGPk58lHXv (https://open.spotify.com/track/3Uvx1TO0Kg5HgGPk58lHXv)

Any progress on a melody?  As soon as I read the words, I could hear a melody in my head - which happens when the lyrics generate some kind of natural rhythm for me (and I really like that)

I am a fan of storytelling and narratives, so I like that the opening verses are a vague goodbye - or a mental closing of a chapter of life and moving on... so by the time you get to the question of "is there pain in the afterlife?", it doesn't necessarily have to be literal death, it could be just the anxiousness of the unknown.  I think this double meaning should be kept throughout the song so it broadens the impact. 

I'd suggest a possible rewording of "life has taken all its course" to make it grammatically sound although I see the need to follow the beats - maybe "life has taken a final course"? or some variation thereof?

One thing stood out too me that causes the song message to feel almost overstated (in what looks like a nice bridge right out of Dashboard Confessional's Vindicated urgency playbook :P
https://open.spotify.com/track/1y3UYAaWnaG6VbtBXN2rad (https://open.spotify.com/track/1y3UYAaWnaG6VbtBXN2rad)

"If I could
And I would
I'd stay by your side
BUT IT'S MY TIME
Goodbye"

I would probably rephrase the "it's my time" to again pull the song away from the literal and maintain it's broader double meaning.  so to keep in time, maybe "... but it's time" followed by a pause for effect and then a power "goodbye" before a blistering guitar solo... :P
Title: Re: Lyrics for a song
Post by: Mar T. on September 12, 2015, 18:19:33
Nice lyrics as far as I (as a non-english speaker) can see... Should do well in a metal song!
This line: 'As I visit the other side' can also be interpreted like 'When I committed suicide' imo, but I think you are saying 'When I leave you'.
Looking forward to hearing the song! MM
Title: Re: Lyrics for a song
Post by: denizensdeep on September 14, 2015, 12:52:54
The lyrics are suitably dark for the kind of music you writing, now the hard part, making them fit into a track.