Songwriters in the Kitchen!

Board index => Songs for review => Topic started by: Ice Cream Van Man on December 08, 2013, 04:41:21

Title: Work in progress thought welcome
Post by: Ice Cream Van Man on December 08, 2013, 04:41:21
 Hello  :)
I have been working on a few things lately and this is one of them.
It's only short at the moment and it stops abruptly because the following section isn't complete yet and I'm not completely happy with it. So any thoughts on how it sounds so far
would be most welcome and any idea's or suggestions about the sections here or interesting idea's for the next section welcome too.  :)

https://soundcloud.com/the-short-straws/project03-wwork-in-progress

Lyrics so far-

You may not have noticed, bent so low to the ground,

There's a new world order sneaking into town,

Everywhere you go, they've got you down,

Everyone a number for the merry-go-round,

And it doesn't matter if you're wrong or your right,

You've gotta know the language if you're gonna fight the fight,

'Cos just when you think you've got it wrapped up tight,

They take a giant shit upon your human rights.

BREAK

You may not have noticed the sick man on the street,

The one now known as Mr Benefit Cheat,

Trying to stand on his own two feet,

While poor old Mr Banker can't make ends meet,

So people I ask you if maybe it's broke?

There's got to be something better than this joke,

Their lies are the fire, and we breathe the smoke,

Just don't be so surprised when we all go and choke.

Title: Re: Work in progress thought welcome
Post by: Dutchbeat on December 08, 2013, 09:49:46
that is extremely cool


what a hectic (slightly paranoia), yet very funky music!!!!!!

this has a great groove, but i think (just my thought) you probably will have to go look for a chorus with a different more 'melodic' singing line...that will probably break the groove you have running and which is simply delicious, but of course returning to that part after the chorus will also be delicious...

that is super!!!!
Title: Re: Work in progress thought welcome
Post by: Ice Cream Van Man on December 18, 2013, 02:22:07
Hey  :)
Thanks DB for listening. I'm with you on the next step... I'd tried a few things but got nothing I was happy with. Now I am trying something a little different and so far (fingers crossed)
it's sounding okay, although I'm still not sure I am 100% happy with it. We'll see haha
Title: Re: Work in progress thought welcome
Post by: Kafla on December 18, 2013, 11:32:37
great riff Lee ;D

You could work a little more 'acting' into the lines - take on a little ballsy persona - attitude man!!!!

I love the ohs and aas

This has billions of potential mate - I like it a lot  ;D
Title: Re: Work in progress thought welcome
Post by: Dutchbeat on December 23, 2013, 13:53:24
Hi Ice Cream Man,

any progress on this song, anything we can give feedback on or help you with......if you need some bleeps and blops  ;D ;D ;D, you know who to call  ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Work in progress thought welcome
Post by: Wicked Deeds on December 23, 2013, 17:14:35
A great groove here Ice!  I love the spoken vocal - the music so powerful that it suggests a vocal melody.  Bass plays a prominent role in driving this song along.  I think you should experiment with reducing instrument effects, the riffs are so good that I don't think they need too much to be effective. If you don't like the outcome then you could easily reinstate them.  Musically, it would sit nicely with something like Suzanne Vega, 99.9 'Farhenheit degrees'. Where to take this song - a contrasting chorus and a return to the verse patterns, perhaps introducing further subtle instrumentation but perhaps more skilfully removing instruments to achieve different dynamics.

Very enjoyable  :)