Songwriters in the Kitchen!

Board index => Songs for review => Topic started by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 18, 2019, 13:41:55

Title: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 18, 2019, 13:41:55
Since I am basically a poet, I took advantage of one of my poems to musicalize it and "sing it-tell it" in my own way. I think the result is interesting, and the story so portrayed, shocking.

I would appreciate it if you could suggest any possible errors in the English text that I can correct. Here I go...


"Like the moth against the light that seems a refugeÖ"

https://vimeo.com/311352484

The Moth - A strange story

His movement was continuous

For him
everything was a moment
and more than living
he was burning
with the strength
of the demented shipwrecked
that swim
even on earth  x2

His movement was continuous

For him
everything was a loss
even of that
he would never have had

impulse
that throws the moth
against the light
that seems a refuge
and that makes it
become a flame
against the light
that seems a refuge

and that makes it
become a flame
become a flame

There was no night
there was no day
and everything
happened
as if it had been written
by a hand
that transformed the past
in the web
of a spider
that never released his steps.
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: nicetalkintoya on January 18, 2019, 15:47:39
This is a very interesting poem.  It makes me think of a man who suffers, but will not harm another with his pain.  Yet, a deeper part of him can see he is much more than merely his body/mind.  There is a part of him unstained by time.

I don't think you need to consider changing the words.  It works as it is.   
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Leonard Scaper on January 18, 2019, 15:52:43
Nice piece, Mora. There is such deep strength in your performance pieces. You take us to places that we would have never thought of going to.

I love how your eye opens in concert with the music at the beginning of this video.

Since you asked about English corrections....

and more than living
he was burning
with the strength
of the demented shipwrecked
that swims
even on earth


As I interpret this line, the noun "shipwrecked" is plural so the verb should be singular, as in "the shipwrecked that swim"
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 19, 2019, 13:54:44
This is a very interesting poem.  It makes me think of a man who suffers, but will not harm another with his pain.  Yet, a deeper part of him can see he is much more than merely his body/mind.  There is a part of him unstained by time.

I don't think you need to consider changing the words.  It works as it is.   

Hello @nicetalkintoya! Many thanks. I think you've made a faithful portrait of this character!!! ::thumb::
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 19, 2019, 13:57:36
Nice piece, Mora. There is such deep strength in your performance pieces. You take us to places that we would have never thought of going to.

I love how your eye opens in concert with the music at the beginning of this video.

Since you asked about English corrections....

and more than living
he was burning
with the strength
of the demented shipwrecked
that swims
even on earth


As I interpret this line, the noun "shipwrecked" is plural so the verb should be singular, as in "the shipwrecked that swim"

Thank you @Leonard Scaper

Thank you for taking the time to correct my text. I have already did it.
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Vince on January 19, 2019, 14:42:07
Hi @Mora Amaro La Loba , I love your poem,  I have a question though, is your poem translated from Spanish?  If so, how hard  is it to translate and stay faithful to the original? Do you use one of the translating programs on the internet?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm trying to translate some of my songs into German for my niece to sing.  I'm finding it very difficult to translate. I can do a word for word translation, but then it's not like a song.

 She's such a good singer and it would be nice when she comes to visit to get her to record a few. She's a teenager and my stuffs not her cup of tea  ,  but she'll do it for me.  She's also getting very good with English, but too busy with school.

Of course you may be writing in English.

Thanks,

Vince
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 19, 2019, 17:18:35
Hi @Mora Amaro La Loba , I love your poem,  I have a question though, is your poem translated from Spanish?  If so, how hard  is it to translate and stay faithful to the original? Do you use one of the translating programs on the internet?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm trying to translate some of my songs into German for my niece to sing.  I'm finding it very difficult to translate. I can do a word for word translation, but then it's not like a song.

 She's such a good singer and it would be nice when she comes to visit to get her to record a few. She's a teenager and my stuffs not her cup of tea  ,  but she'll do it for me.  She's also getting very good with English, but too busy with school.

Of course you may be writing in English.

Thanks,

Vince

Yes, I translated it from a poem of mine in Spanish. I always use Google translator and also, when I have doubts, I look for other online translators and, more or less, get what I want to convey. However, once I have achieved a logical translation, I always have to consult synonyms for some words to make them sound more musical, I do not know if I explain me well... (Other times I throw myself without thinking and I wait for the listeners to correct me or not)

It is evident that the cadence will change from the original text to the translated but that is logical, the important thing is that the translation that you make sounds musical and keep the original message.

You have it easier, make the translation with google translator, since you know the song you want to translate and your "message" consults with your niece explaining what it is about. Surely she will find that or those words that make you doubt.

Go on @Vince!!! ::thumb:: :yes:
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Zedd on January 19, 2019, 18:44:47
As always, original and impactful with your writing and performance @Mora Amaro La Loba I loved the drums at the beginning.  They set the scene beautifully. Lyrics are intriguing. A lovely piece - you never fail to draw me in. Intriguing.
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: robertkc on January 20, 2019, 01:40:05
@Mora Amaro La Loba  An intense and fascinating poem which works very well with the heartbeat of drums and spare electronic arrangement.
Since much of the mood is created by your voice and the music, I wondered if using some part of  your original Spanish poem would have sounded.  Dual language songs aren`t common, but can sound cool!

Robert
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Marcus Nalgaber on January 20, 2019, 19:51:03
Imagination has taken me to a movie carrying me to a plain where it gets dark and a train takes me on a journey where the end is not written.
Your music always has an intellectual and abstract background that I love.
Your music always has an intellectual and abstract background that I love.
Very good work!  ::thumb::
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 21, 2019, 12:38:58
As always, original and impactful with your writing and performance @Mora Amaro La Loba I loved the drums at the beginning.  They set the scene beautifully. Lyrics are intriguing. A lovely piece - you never fail to draw me in. Intriguing.

@Zedd
Thank you. If you look at the absurdity of life everything has the meaning that we want to give things... Imagination?
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 21, 2019, 13:02:18
@Mora Amaro La Loba  An intense and fascinating poem which works very well with the heartbeat of drums and spare electronic arrangement.
Since much of the mood is created by your voice and the music, I wondered if using some part of  your original Spanish poem would have sounded.  Dual language songs aren`t common, but can sound cool!

Robert
Hi @robertkc ! Thank you

Almost all my songs in English are based on my poems in Spanish, generally, my poetry in Spanish is not sung.
I leave a link to the original poem of this topic in case you want to take a look. The video is funny despite being one of my first video works.

NŠufrago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrej78f5cn8
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 21, 2019, 13:05:47
Hola @Marcus!
Me encanta todo lo que me dices. Gracias. ;) :loveit:
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Rewboat on January 28, 2019, 21:03:03
THIS WAS BIZARRE AND HAUNTING AND SO DIFFERENT SO THANK YOU
was drawn to the title and was not disappointed at all. Video is neat too, cool collage work. Chills.
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Mora Amaro La Loba on January 30, 2019, 12:26:17
THIS WAS BIZARRE AND HAUNTING AND SO DIFFERENT SO THANK YOU
was drawn to the title and was not disappointed at all. Video is neat too, cool collage work. Chills.

Hi @Rewboat
You are very kind. I like a lot of mystery.... The truth has so many faces that it's hard to stay alone with one!
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Pleudoniem on February 17, 2020, 15:24:13
@Mora Amaro La Loba Since you took the trouble to listen to my Moth, I thought it a nice idea to listen to yours. I didn't know it existed, but a message appeared at the bottom of the Kitchen page, hinting at it.

It is a tale full of mystery, as is most of your work. The music is well mixed and it sounds very good, but possibly you could toy a bit with the vocal as it is sometimes a little loud, which interferes with the atmosphere a bit. Possibly you might want to accent some of the phrases a bit by adding a different suspense to them in the shape of a pad. You're very good with pads, so that should be no problem. Another idea might be to melt your voice into the music, making it flow into the atmosphere like a moth that appears, and then is gone all of a sudden.

It nevertheless stands out as a typical Mora song. There are a number of artists on the forum who have been credited for having their own distinct soud. You are definitely one of them.
Title: Re: The Moth - A strange story
Post by: Kolohe on February 28, 2020, 19:30:01
@Mora Amaro La Loba  Mahalo for sharing.......haunting driving music and lyrics.......you always have great visuals with your songs.

Now, when I see a moth getting too close to the light, I'll think to myself "He's about to shipwreck".

I said "he" but I guess it could be a "she"..........I don't have the time to find out, before the moth becomes a flame......I've already spent too much time on moth gender :lol:  :no: :yes: :no: