Songwriters in the Kitchen!

Board index => Lyrics => Topic started by: Rightly on May 30, 2019, 19:39:35

Title: make believe me
Post by: Rightly on May 30, 2019, 19:39:35
this is an old song of mine.
Not having a good enough recording of it
I'm thinking about making a different version using cubase.
I'd be quite jolly and more motivated if I'd get an idea how to improve it.

Critique and words of encouragement would be appreciated.  :)


make believe me


tell me my thoughts
  where do I stand
what can you force
 into a trembling hand

which way is up
  what to believe
write me a book
on all that I'll need

     Make believe me
   Better to be fat than hungry

put me in school
  turn out my lights
 until I only want to see
    whatever you like

give me many names
  n one of two sides
     tell me who's to blame 
  tell me who's to die

          Make believe me
    better to be fat than hungry

    look at my painted window I
              know not how to ask
         broken in a fold 
       fixed into the glass

      kneeling I'm straight
standing I'm crooked
    tell me I should wait
          one day I'll get lucky

          Make believe me
         better to be fat than hungry


___________________

rightly
Title: Re: make believe me
Post by: oorlab on May 30, 2019, 23:52:50
Promising lyrics @Rightly, you got there. Hoping 2 hear how they sound. You could try altering the line better fat than hungry, with some similar lines, like -- better thick than broken,
or better swimming than sinking - something like that...
Title: Re: make believe me
Post by: Jurgen on May 31, 2019, 00:11:24
Hi @Rightly

Yes a promising song emerging.

I'm with @oorlab re: "better fat" line - if you want to say on that theme of being well fed rather than hungry, what about

"better sated than hungry"

and I like @oorlab suggestions as well.

cheers
Title: Re: make believe me
Post by: robertkc on May 31, 2019, 18:38:39
put me in school
  turn out my lights
 until I only want to see
    whatever you like

strong stuff @Rightly ; most of the lyrics cut deep here, though I also like the more abstract images in the  "broken in the fold" verse.
Not sure about the chorus without hearing how its sung:
wondering why "make believe be" rather than "make believe me" (the latter has more impact on first reading)
I also wonder about editing the last chorus line to "better fat than hungry"
Excellent lyrics- I`m interested to hear where this goes musically.

Robert
Title: Re: make believe me
Post by: Rightly on May 31, 2019, 19:25:10
put me in school
  turn out my lights
 until I only want to see
    whatever you like

strong stuff @Rightly ; most of the lyrics cut deep here, though I also like the more abstract images in the  "broken in the fold" verse.
Not sure about the chorus without hearing how its sung:
wondering why "make believe be" rather than "make believe me" (the latter has more impact on first reading)
I also wonder about editing the last chorus line to "better fat than hungry"
Excellent lyrics- I`m interested to hear where this goes musically.

Robert

Oh the be was just bad typing. I've changed it now. Lol.

I think the music really has something, then fails with a D C G. Thing.
Maybe I can save it somehow. 
I will finish and post it.
Title: Re: make believe me
Post by: Rightly on May 31, 2019, 19:29:15
Promising lyrics @Rightly, you got there. Hoping 2 hear how they sound. You could try altering the line better fat than hungry, with some similar lines, like -- better thick than broken,
or better swimming than sinking - something like that...

Nice suggestion thanks
Better thick than broken. .
Title: Re: make believe me
Post by: DonMar on June 14, 2019, 09:19:01
A most interesting concept, @Rightly  :)

I'm late to the party, but in case it's not over,  I've made a couple of suggestions below. Keep or sweep, of course.  ;)

Donna

‘broken in a fold’

Not sure what you intend here.
Do you mean folded and fixed into the glass?
Maybe something like ‘creased into folds’.
Or ‘bent until I fold’?

‘better to be fat than hungry’

I think ‘better to be fed than hungry’ is a more dynamic image.
Or ‘better to be full than hungry’.
Title: Re: make believe me
Post by: Rightly on June 14, 2019, 14:41:19
A most interesting concept, @Rightly  :)

I'm late to the party, but in case it's not over,  I've made a couple of suggestions below. Keep or sweep, of course.  ;)

Donna

‘broken in a fold’

Not sure what you intend here.
Do you mean folded and fixed into the glass?
Maybe something like ‘creased into folds’.
Or ‘bent until I fold’?

‘better to be fat than hungry’

I think ‘better to be fed than hungry’ is a more dynamic image.
Or ‘better to be full than hungry’.

here I meant you can't fold glass without breaking it
being fixed in there is to be broken in a fold

the
better fat than hungry line
I'm happy with

better fed would be too obvious
a no-brainer
fed is always better than hungry

thanks for commenting