Cold blood

Congrats on a really nice tune. Love the harmonic structures, strong melodies and nicely constructed voice-leading and playing of the guitars.  There are a few places where the the guitars get a little pitchy, and I would be tempted to tune them better, but there's a sense in which, the out-of-tuness of them them compliments the somber nature of the lyric.  I haven't listened to anything else you have written, so I'm not familiar with your vocal abilities, but I think you mumble too much in places, and sometimes I have trouble understanding the lyrics in those places.

All of the above are minor nits, though the lyrics are a bit over the top for me - I would be going for more subtle allusions to the specific event that you are describing - unless you prefer that the specifics remain unclear, but the lyric itself works fine.

Like I said, I think this is WONDERFUL.  BUT my big nit, and the elephant in the room at least for me.. is the recording.  It sounds like you had a condenser mic like an SM58 two or three feet away from you and the guitar and you performed it in one take, then did the same thing with overdubs.  The guitars are too far away from the mic. It sounds like you're in a bedroom with a lot of dry-wall and very little in the way of sound treatment, so when you multi-track parts those ugly room sounds add up and it's just not helping things.  I think I hear a little added reverb, but I'm guessing you're not adding any compression, though I'm not sure how much that would help.  I think more important is that if you don't have the money to invest in some better equipment, consider closer micing to take the room out the equation.  Anyway, that's my 02 I think this song deserves a better recording and I don't think it would take that much tweaking to improve things even if you don't have a lot of resources.

Congrats again on a stellar composition. -Mark

Hi there @Olbigead...I've been looking and listening to this and think I've deciphered your chords 

It might be easier in future if you just tell me what strings and fret positions you're playing (like x03230)...but I think this is mostly based around a Dm9 (strictly speaking a D minor [D F A] with a m7th [C] and a 9th [E] added to it, but I suspect you're playing it without the C, in which case it's a Dmadd9, but it sounds very similar...). 

So I think the chords are:

Dmadd9/(A) - (A) F A D E - x(0)3230
FMaj7/(A) - (A) F A C E - x(0)3210
Bb6 - Bb F G D (E) - x1303(0)
Gm(6) - G Bb D G D (E) - 310030
C/E - E C E G C E - 032010

(Everything else is a simpler/more standard chord version...)  So I've tried to keep the top E string open which I think is what you were saying, but that does make a rather strange chord with the Bb as E doesn't really belong in there at all...I suspect your "Bb with a G (6th)" chords and your G minor chords are actually one and the same thing, they certainly seem fair interchangeable when playing (unless I've got it wrong) - see how they contain nearly the same notes, just in a different order?

I've found it works quite well playing this between the 5th and 7th frets on the top three strings with the chords like this:

Dm9/(A) - (A) D C F E - x00560 <-- a "proper Dm9"
FM7/A - A A C F E - x07560
Bb6/D - D D G F Bb - x50066 *
* As an alternative, if you want the E in there for the Bb6 if you can play it: Bb D D G F E - 650060 - sounds quite nice, even if I'm not sure what chord it is! 
Gm7/D - G D D F Bb - x-10-0-7-6-6 <-- hard to play though
Cmaj - (E) C G C E E - (0)35550

I was thinking both played together might sound quite sweet, in a sad way?  Just an idea...if you think I've got the chords about right then I can maybe think of some strings...if I get the time, which I haven't got much of..but hey. 

I totally agree @Nic, and I shouldn't get so obsessed with the technicalities, but I can't help myself. 

Especially when I work something out...I was right about the "Bb with a G (and an E)" and the G minor being fairly interchangeable, because the Bb with a G (and a E) is actually a G minor 13th (in 1st inversion)!    How cool is that?! 

See https://jguitar.com/chord?root=G&chord=Minor+13th&bass=Bb&labels=none&gaps=0&fingers=4&notes=flats&open=true

I know, only I think this is cool... 

@M57 Holy shit! Your analysis of my shoddy recording is right on the mark. Made me snort out my coffee this morning, I was laughing so much. You are TOO close to the mark! To be honest, your comments are so accurate I feel a bit uncomfortable...LIKE YOU ARE JASON BOURNE looking through the window while I am recording!

Anyway, kudos to you and your ears for the detective work

The mike is a clip-on that a friend gave me 10 years ago. I am recording on a Zoom H4n using its external mikes in a dry wall bedroom! (its not exactly clear to me how you discern it IS a bedroom, but let's leave it at that!) There are no effects on the voice or guitar. It is just what it is. Because I like to sing and play in one take as you say, the set up does give me issues with my weak voice, which often gets drowned out by the guitar (especially when strumming starts up). Several of my previous songs posted on this site were rightly critiqued by those in the know for weak vocals and bad mix. Since then, I have been using the clip-on (in addition to the H4n mikes) in an attempt to make my voice more prominent. Then again as you correctly surmised, I just overdub one or two guitars and vocals on the remaining 2 tracks in MTR mode.

For god sake, don't listen to any more recordings on my Sound Cloud, you will have a heart attack at the low quality of the recording.

Also, your comment about the lyric is also spot on. As I mentioned, further up, the lyric maybe a bit too graphic...a bit too close to the bone for most people's taste.

Thanks for the great feedback! If you have any tips on what I should do with the Zoom and the mike to come out with a better products, I am all ears

@Jim  I really am gobsmacked, you took all this time to work out the song. This is the first time anyone has done this to one of my songs, so all I can say is thank you!

I think your chords are spot on. Two additional points with the guitar overdubs I made in the bridge and chorus. I am up there on the fifth fret, but it is a slightly different version which sounded good to my ears. The fingering is quite simple. The top E string is open, the B string is played at F, the G string is also open, the D string is played at A and the A string at D. Clear as mud? I then just follow the base line on the bottom three strings, either going up or going down. 

Second, I am messing around with inverted thirds (is that what you call them?). I am around playing with E,F and G above the rhythmical D that goes through the song (mostly playing F above the D).

Hope this helps

OBE

@Nic  Thanks for listening (despite the recording quality) and for saying it is beautiful. You just made my day. Being part of the community on this site is so fantastic, everyone is always so generous

 
I just want to say....I read the recent comments in this thread @Jim @Nic @M57 @Olbigead and @all

and I just found that a fascinating read......
just great to read this amazing to the point (and detailed) comments, this is all what a forum like this is about, and apparently can be about    thanks!

and: Great song and great performance @Olbigead 

Beautiful song.

Like the haunting guitars and production.

Like other comments say....the song draws you in and complels you to listen.

Sandeep

No, no, Jim! I was more thinking of recording technicalities as opposed to musical ones. Both are important, but I just don't tend to focus in on recording blips or whatnot. My brain doesn't work that way. I wish it did sometimes. But I am exactly like you in the 'working stuff out' department. It's like a puzzle in my head that MUST be solved. So I think it's cool too.

Ah @Nic I thought you were talking about both technical aspects...glad you think it's cool too!    And I can totally relate to the "puzzle...that MUST be solved" thing. 

@Jim  I really am gobsmacked, you took all this time to work out the song. This is the first time anyone has done this to one of my songs, so all I can say is thank you!

I think your chords are spot on. Two additional points with the guitar overdubs I made in the bridge and chorus. I am up there on the fifth fret, but it is a slightly different version which sounded good to my ears. The fingering is quite simple. The top E string is open, the B string is played at F, the G string is also open, the D string is played at A and the A string at D. Clear as mud? I then just follow the base line on the bottom three strings, either going up or going down. 

Second, I am messing around with inverted thirds (is that what you call them?). I am around playing with E,F and G above the rhythmical D that goes through the song (mostly playing F above the D).

Hope this helps

OBE

It's not a problem at all @Olbigead, I don't mind when it's song I appreciate and it didn't really take me very long (I was working on my comp entry first). 

I'd lose the open G in the fingering you describe, and stick with the just as simple "proper Dm9" I suggested, although the way you play the strings it will sound like a passing note I expect so doesn't stick out.  I'll have a think about some orchestral backing playing around with those bass notes when I get a chance.

Just as a slight aside, this isn't strictly in D minor, but actually D minor aeolian mode, because you're playing the C instead of the C#...if you ever think about evolving this song (which you probably shouldn't) then throwing in a A7 before returning to D minor would put you in D minor proper.  Oh, and yes, if you play a chord with the second note of the chord at the lowest register, that's 1st inversion (with 2nd inversion being the chord with the third note lowest)...inversions are really useful at making bass lines smoother. 

Wow I agree with @Dutchbeat , great to read all these detailed analysis!!

@Olbigead What a wonderful song! The song drew me right in, it's very attractive imo! Very nice picking pattern on your acoustic and I love your voice.  I'm not really into lyrics, but I see some others have commented on them already. As for the production: I agree with @M57 , it's almost pity this wasn't recorded more properly (I'd love to hear that), but even without proper micing (and room treatment) this creation sounds totally awesome to me. Very, very well done!

I recognise the 'MUST solve the puzzle' some of you are talking about, that's because we songwriters are all a bit crazy  Great how we all have different views and perspectives on the same material. It's all expressed with respect for the writer, but a thread like this is a treasure case full of pointers and tips how to improve. I'm proud our kitcheners deliver that quality!

Hi @Obligead ,

I found this hauntingly beautiful! It’s a very deep, emotive and well written piece of poetry. I particularly like your vocal - it is really good and powerful and brings out the right amount of emotion. I do not mind the raw nature of this particular recording (and almost prefer it this way) given the theme of the song and the not-so-subtle imagery, I like the almost muffled vocals and the way they are melding beautifully with the guitar chords and melody in an almost mourning way. (But of course that’s just my personal taste and probably having a better recording as the others are suggesting would add even more value to the song)…

Thanks for sharing your track with us

Btw – it’s amazing to read @M57  and @Jim  ’s insights – it’s almost like observing  Sherlock Holmes analyzing and making discoveries during an investigation – impressive!!!

I've been playing catch up on all of these wonderful songs @Olbigead  - I enjoyed listening to this and reading the lyric.

 

@Movin Flavour/Sandeep Thanks

@vincent_stewart I am not sure "enjoyed" is the right word for a song like this. Its a weird subject to have written a song about.

@Rachel_D The unfortunate thing is ALL of my stuff is raw and unfinished and badly produced! I am with @Nic 

@Mar T. Couldn't agree more with your comments about the kitchen. So lucky @Dutchbeat brought me here.

  beautiful!!

I'm listening the 3rd time now and I'm speechless. This is so good!