• Discovered I Was Evil (original) by Layerson - is this release ready?
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  • Layerson
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Hi kitcheners!

I've wrote a metal riff a couple of years ago and then I entered the lyrics that I wrote for the draft version into the "Same lyrics challenge". Altough it didn't get selected, it at least got a few votes so I kept most of the draft lyrics intact... :ok:

Been itching to turn my first draft into a song for a while but not feeling I had the technical side in order for making it justice, until now :-)

Here it is, "Discovered I Was Evil".

I've "finished" the mix, mastered it but as always a few extra pairs of ears and other peoples ideas, different viewpoints etc is always super helpful, so please lay it on me, your judgements  :blackgrin:

https://soundcloud.com/user-2898025/discovered-i-was-evil-original-by-layerson/s-xPWdq

Discovered I Was Evil

Verse1:
I saw an image in the mirror,
of a face that wasnít mine.
It was the picture of a sinner,
of a pure and evil kind.

Pre-Chorus1:
Never thought Iíd be a monster
Always holding up my end
But somethingís creeping in my shadow,
Crawling underneath my skin

Chorus:
Oh no
heís still around
Hold your breath,
Make sure you hide,
He whispers to ya
Gonna make you cry
Never give up,
Keep to the ground

Bridge:
So afraid, itís left you blind.
without a reason of any kind
And the fears that always grind,
Thereís a monster - in your mind!

Verse2:
Iím always hearing some suggestion,
from the voice inside my head.
Convincing me never to question
And follow the advice instead

Pre-Chorus2:
Making me become a monster,
Making me accept and fold.
Scaring me into submission,
Iíd better do what Iím told

Chorus:
Oh no
heís still around
Hold your breath,
Make sure you hide,
He whispers to ya
Gonna make you cry
Never give up,
Keep to the ground

[Lyrics by Layerson]

  ::Rachel::
/Micke
Layerson (a.k.a. Mikael Lagersson)


  • oorlab
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@Layerson  - fine metal riff for sure, Micke!
Lyrics look great. Touch of Alice Cooper.
Wouldn't change a thing.
But if you would redo the vocals. The higher register around 2.52 in the singing is cool. You could use that on other places too.
Looking forward to see what other Kitcheners think of this song.
recommending https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_Music_Works "How music works", book by David Byrne.


  • Layerson
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 Thanks @oorlab   ::headphone::

Wow, that was a fast response. I was tired, having worked late on the song and my artist profile for two nights, so I went to bed, also looking forward  :yawnee:

Didnít make the connection myself, but after listening again to the song having read your awesome feedback,  it does have a touch of Alice C.  :yes:

The vocals was a bit of a problem for me, not having much experience with either growling, screaming or belting - i.e. some of the usual styles of singing in the genre. Funny, but I got that exact remark from a coworker that listened yesterday... Iíll definitely consider that move. :)

Thanks again for you encouraging feedback.

 ::Rachel::
/Micke


@Layerson love it! I agree with what @oorlab said...wanted to hear more of that higher range, because it brings the energy level up, and you sound great! 👍👍👍
Do what makes your heart sing :)


  • Layerson
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Thanks @Kellyanneg  :)

Hmm, third or fourth remark about higher range vocals...

Wondering about where I could introduce more of that, perhaps after the second chorus and a bit into the outride repetition? Got to ponder on that.

Glad you like it and it never hurts with more energy  :blackgrin:

 ::Rachel::
/Micke


  • DonMar
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« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 15:13:03 by DonMar »
Yes, pretty powerful stuff, @Layerson. :)

(I had to smile when I saw the title: I've recently posted a lyric in the same vein, called 'Waking the Dragon'. ;))

As regards your lyric: I have a couple of suggestions in case you intend to re-record the vocals. See below in red.

But they're just one person's opinion. Keep or sweep, of course.  :)

Donna

Discovered I Was Evil

Verse1:
I saw an image in the mirror,
of a face that wasnít mine.
But the reflection of a sinner,
of the pure and evil kind. I feel the definite article 'the' strengthens the line.

Pre-Chorus1:
Never thought Iíd be a monster
Always holding up my end.        Maybe 'Always let my good side win'.
But somethingís creeping in my shadow,
Crawling underneath my skin

Chorus: For consistency, and more immediacy, maybe continue using 1st person narrative (as you've done in V1 and the pre-chorus).
Oh no
heís still around
Hold your breath,      I hold my breath
Make sure you hide,  I try to hide
He whispers to ya.     He whispers to me
Gonna make you cry
Never give up,             But I won't  give up (It needs to be made clear that this is the narrator speaking, not the monster.Can you add an extra syllable in this line?)
Keep to the ground.  Maybe 'I'll stand my ground'  or 'Want to stand my ground'.  Or would this affect the metering?

Bridge:
So afraid, itís left me blind.
without a reason of any kind
And those fears that always grind,
Thereís a monster - in my mind!

Maybe consider rearranging the bridge lines. It's a more dramatic way to launch into the bridge message.

There's a monster in my mind!
I'm so afraid, it's made me blind
Without a reason of any kind
But with fears that always grind


Verse2:
Iím always hearing a suggestion,
from the voice inside my head.
Convincing me never to question
To follow its advice instead

Pre-Chorus2:
Making me become a monster,
Making me accept and fold.
Scaring me into submission,
Iíd better do what Iím told

Chorus:
Honour the earth. Without It, we'd be nowhere. - D.D.


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Wow @DonMar great suggestions  :thumbsup:

Itís never clear to me how to approach the part of the narrator, seems I keep mixing up where the focus should be and the use of past and present tenses... basic grammar stuff really.
To further my anguish, second languages are easier to get lost with.  :sleepy:

Thanks so much for all your remarks and recommendations. Itís clear to me that I need to do some rewriting and retakes for the vocals. And also add something in the higher ranges as suggested before. ::e-guitar3::

 ::Rachel::
/Micke



  • DonMar
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@Layerson, I'm glad the suggestions are useful. :) Your command of the language is extremely good. You have nothing to doubt there.  ;) Writing lyrics in a second or third language always poses certain difficulties.

(Meanwhile, I've made even more suggestions. Hope you don't mind. ;) )

Donna


  • Layerson
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Hmm @DonMar , Iíll consider some of the suggestions, well most of them actually. They really strengthen the lyrics in the verses and more importantly just makes more sense than my ďinitial effortĒ.  :thumbsup:

When I grew up, I felt like I had a good grip on English, but, now the younger generation at work has been pointing to my lack of ďexplanation skillsĒ and that my vocabulary has vast holes in it. Not saying Iím not improving, but still itís no way near where my skills are in my first language. (That bothers me a lot.) ???

In regards to the latter suggestions for the bridge Iím not as certain. In writing, sure it looks better, but Iíll have to try singing it to know for sure.

Iím gonna need to edit and tryout, reiterating until it flows. Thatís my usual workflow.  Iíll post the results here again when Iím done with the changes.

Thanks again Donna for being super helpful  :)

 ::Rachel::
/Micke


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An update: @DonMar -  Found half an hour. The suggestions worked really well, but I wonít make the full change for the bridge. Iím getting a better feeling from ending with having  ďa monster in my mindĒ.  :blackgrin:


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« Last Edit: March 30, 2019, 18:30:19 by DonMar »
Sounding good, @Layerson:)

You're the boss of your song. Take only what feels good and works well for you.  ;)

Donna


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« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 18:49:42 by Layerson »
Hi all helpful kitcheners!  :)

Just finished another version, with altered lyrics, a subtle angelic/demonic choir in the second chorus and some additional guitar licks:

https://soundcloud.com/user-2898025/discovered-i-was-evil-original-by-layerson-1/s-jya7l

Hope you'll all like this improved version :blackgrin:

Edit: I noticed this version sounds less clear and has too much base, so it will be remastered so it becomes at least as clear as the first one.

 ::Rachel::
/Micke


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hi @Layerson
i just listened to this new version...and  :o :o :o..it is tight! Rocking...YEAH  :o :o :o  ::thumb:: ::thumb:: ::thumb::

the track and the mix sound awesome to me  :yes:
me, myself, and Pie


makes me want to let my inner metal head out of the closet  :ok: @Layerson


  • Layerson
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Thanks @Dutchbeat and @Vince   ::headphone::

Just finished a final master, and made the song public in SoundCloud.

I added some final touches to it, made it a bit clearer (as the first version)... well a lot goes into mixing and mastering but I made everything more audible and not "so dark" ;-)

Thanks again @DonMar ... Let me know if you want to be credited as lyrics co-writer, your contributions where awesome, just say the word. Thanks a million  :shinyteeth:  ::heart::

 ::Rachel::
/Micke



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