• Heart on a stick - Collab challenge entry (DonMar and Mar T.)
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Re: Heart on a stick - Collab challenge entry (DonMar and Mar T.)
Reply #15 on: December 25, 2019, 14:37:36
I really like the groove, tune, and the vocal performance.

The one thing that stood out to me as something I would tweak is how you phrase the third line of the verses. Actually, I think it needs more metric feet to balance the first line.  They seem to end abruptly to my ear. For example I can hear these as being much easier to phrase..

Baby, Iíll give you my heart on a stick
But Iíll dip it in vinegar first
Donít expect the results to be tasty or quick
ĎCause more is at stake than your thirst

Baby, Iíll give you my heart on a stick
But I warn you, your bubble might burst
If you and I seem like an impeccable fit
You havenít seen me at my worst

To be clear, there's nothing wrong with the way you've made the lines fit; it just feels a little forced.



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Re: Heart on a stick - Collab challenge entry (DonMar and Mar T.)
Reply #16 on: December 26, 2019, 14:01:57
« Last Edit: December 26, 2019, 14:04:16 by Charlie »
What a successful collab!!! I LOVE the lyrics, Donna, and find the way MarT has put them to music and recorded the song GREAT. The whole thing sounds so rock solid. You make me just a jealous guy... ;).
If you want me you HAVE me!
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Re: Heart on a stick - Collab challenge entry (DonMar and Mar T.)
Reply #17 on: December 26, 2019, 14:21:33
This is really good. @Mar T.   .....you did a fantastic job with @DonMar 's amazing lyrics. I love how you dirtied up your vocal performance.

"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

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Re: Heart on a stick - Collab challenge entry (DonMar and Mar T.)
Reply #18 on: December 26, 2019, 15:29:15
@oorlab, @LePlongeur, @Mo, @Mora Amaro La Loba, @Pleudoniem, @DanJames, @M57, @Charlie, and @Leonard Scaper, thank you all so much for your wonderful comments on the song.  :)  Yes, @Mar T. did a super job with the music and performance, for sure.  ;)

@M57 (nice to see you over here  ;) ), I absolutely take your point about evening up the metering in line 3 to match the first line.  :) However - as you've probably worked out - I wanted line 3 to sound intentionally abrupt, as (I think) it fits the tone of the narrator's attitude. He's kind of torn between longing and fear.

Donna
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