• Lonely Fool
  • Started by irwin
0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.
  • irwin
  • Patissier
  • *
  • Karma hunter

    • 88


    • 16
    • August 19, 2019, 15:45:35
  • more
Lonely Fool
on: June 05, 2019, 19:16:08
Hi guys, this song is a collaboration I did with two of my friends and I am asking for some feedback.

https://soundcloud.com/jay-williams-productions/lonely-fool

Lonely Fool

©2019 Irwin Byron Abrigo


(First verse)

If anybody see my baby

Tell her that I'm feeling lonely

Cause not anyone

Can do the things she does

She keeps me lively

In the day time

Make's me groan in the night

But now that she's gone I really


(Pre chorus)

The room is still a room

A chair is still a chair

The bed still lies there

But if she's not here


(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a lonely fool

Pretending to be cool

If she's not here to open the door

When I got home



(Second verse)

If anybody see my lady

Tell her that I'm going crazy

She said she's leaving

Miss understanding

I said baby don't you worry

I will be happy

But that was a lie

Cause now I really


(Pre chorus)

The room is still a room

A chair is still a chair

The bed still lies there

But if she's not here


(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a lonely fool

Pretending to be cool

If she's not here to open the door

When I got home


(Bridge)

I donít want to be a lonely fool

Sitting alone in these lonely rooms

Since sheís been gone there been pain in my brain

Asking myself over and over again

Am I a fool (no) did all I had to do (Yes)

Then why sheís not in my presents

Why in my arms she is absent


(Pre chorus)

The room is still a room

A chair is still a chair

The bed still lies there

But if she's not here


(Chorus)

Iíll be at home like a lonely fool

Pretending to be cool

If she's not here to open the door

When I got home


  • Leonard Scaper
  • Global Moderator
  • Executive Chef
  • *
  • *
  • Guest Chef

    • 3621


    • 1125
    • Yesterday at 23:23:32
    • Terra Firma
  • more
Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #1 on: June 06, 2019, 15:34:45
I like the lyrics and the vocals a lot. The backing track feels a bit rushed, though.
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

Lenny's Tunes: http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=540680

https://soundcloud.com/vincentgleason


Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #2 on: June 07, 2019, 23:31:03
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 23:32:43 by Mora Amaro La Loba »
Hi @irwin

I also liked the lyrics and the voice ... As for the music, I think it would need something ... Something that would bind it more to the voice, sometimes gives the feeling that the music is on one side and the voice on other side... Maybe the reverb ... I do not know.
I mention this from my point of view and thinking that it is a very interesting and atypical song
I did not know that to live I had to die so many times
My Youtube channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow
My Vimeo Songs of Thought channel:
https://vimeo.com/channels/moraamarolaloba
My Vimeo Downtempo channel:
https://vimeo.com/channels/moramarolalobadowntempo


Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #3 on: June 07, 2019, 23:55:19
loved the opening beat, then had to concentrate hard to try and hear the various composite parts as a song. Vocals are great, lyrics not bad either. I reckon that vocal melody would sound cool with some rhythmic Spanish guitar strumming.

Dan


  • irwin
  • Patissier
  • *
  • Karma hunter

    • 88


    • 16
    • August 19, 2019, 15:45:35
  • more
Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #4 on: June 08, 2019, 18:57:31
I like the lyrics and the vocals a lot. The backing track feels a bit rushed, though.

Yes Leonard, I do understand what you are saying, I thought so myself. Thanks for the comment.

Irwin


Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #5 on: June 09, 2019, 20:51:00
For my taste this is an absolute techno-fusion
A very interesting work
Although I think that the voice of the woman does not have the necessary effects to have joined more with the other instruments in the final mix
Very good work
Congratulations  ::thumb:: ::thumb:: ::thumb::


  • irwin
  • Patissier
  • *
  • Karma hunter

    • 88


    • 16
    • August 19, 2019, 15:45:35
  • more
Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #6 on: June 13, 2019, 15:15:20
Hi @irwin

I also liked the lyrics and the voice ... As for the music, I think it would need something ... Something that would bind it more to the voice, sometimes gives the feeling that the music is on one side and the voice on other side... Maybe the reverb ... I do not know.
I mention this from my point of view and thinking that it is a very interesting and atypical song

Thank you Mora , I do appreciate you taking the time and giving you input into my song.
I think I'll have another producer re-work the music.


  • irwin
  • Patissier
  • *
  • Karma hunter

    • 88


    • 16
    • August 19, 2019, 15:45:35
  • more
Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #7 on: July 07, 2019, 22:41:53
loved the opening beat, then had to concentrate hard to try and hear the various composite parts as a song. Vocals are great, lyrics not bad either. I reckon that vocal melody would sound cool with some rhythmic Spanish guitar strumming.

Dan

Yes Dan, Thank you, point taken.


Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #8 on: July 25, 2019, 20:00:56
Right off the bat here, I'd say the vocals a little off tempo. At 2:15, it feels very rushed just to fit inside the beat. It kinda feels out of place with the instrumental. I'd say to add a little more reverb with a more fluid vocal and add layering to it. Pan the layered vocals 30% to the right and to the left. There is a lot of room for production to play with here and with a simply structured song. Take advantage of it with the vocals. Also, a creative idea from me would be to have the claps pan to the right or add a layering percussion with it. Also to add more low frequency to the bass and some slight distortion to have more oomph  to the track. That's all I got. Hope you find this useful!

Cheers!

~waffles
No Price, Just Happiness.


  • irwin
  • Patissier
  • *
  • Karma hunter

    • 88


    • 16
    • August 19, 2019, 15:45:35
  • more
Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #9 on: August 05, 2019, 15:43:25
Right off the bat here, I'd say the vocals a little off tempo. At 2:15, it feels very rushed just to fit inside the beat. It kinda feels out of place with the instrumental. I'd say to add a little more reverb with a more fluid vocal and add layering to it. Pan the layered vocals 30% to the right and to the left. There is a lot of room for production to play with here and with a simply structured song. Take advantage of it with the vocals. Also, a creative idea from me would be to have the claps pan to the right or add a layering percussion with it. Also to add more low frequency to the bass and some slight distortion to have more oomph  to the track. That's all I got. Hope you find this useful!

Cheers!

~waffles

Yes! very useful, very good advice and I am listening. Thank you.

Irwin


Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #10 on: August 05, 2019, 19:30:27
@irwin Very nice vocal on a very electronic production. This could work very well, but the vocal timing should be worked on. I suggest that you take the vocal track, then cut the phrases and some of the stressed units loose from it, and move them in yout edit so that the accents of each phrase coincides with a beat. I think that will work miracles.

Each syllable is like a drum beat. A stressed one is a downbeat.

In the 2nd part of the track, I'd add a thumpy kick drum, so that you get some sturdy pacing.

I am not sure if you need to work on the effects, but when commenters suggest this, they may have a point. It could be worth a try, indeed.
Pleudoniem: composer; bass guitarist; guitarist; singer; drummer; tap-guitarist - o, and yes... erm- a bit of keys. Open for collabs.
SoundCloud Page: https://soundcloud.com/pleudoniem


Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #11 on: August 06, 2019, 12:01:40
Hello. Im going to be honest:

 1.The track feels very flat because it lacks dynamics and overall change in anything. This song feels like a very long intro. I got the idea where from the lyrics where you wanted the chorus to be, but It just doesn't feel like a chorus, because you drop the intensity even though the verse intensity is not big enough. It pretty much feels the same as chorus.

2.It really lacks bass. You shouldn't just drop the most important element in music. I think it would fit really good in your verse and then the drop in intensity at chorus would feel more different.  I see there is somemething bass-ish at 0:22, but it doesn't seem to fill in those low frequencies enough. Try looking up on how to make a sub-bass on whatever DAW you're using, I think it would fit well to your track.

3.The whole track seems to lack high FQ, especially in the vocals. High and Mid FQ is where the vocal shines. I would only cut-off so much high fq if I wanted to get a certain effect.

4.The Vocal is dry. I can't put everything in one sentence on how to make the vocal not dry, it is a large subject which requires some research. In ableton (it is the DAW im working) I use chaining to apply effects to make the vocals more stereo.

So basically theese are the main things. I really wanted to give my honest opinion instead of just "wow, nice track, great job". Don't get discouraged by it. Constructive feedback is more useful than compliments. Cheers  ::e-guitar3::






  • Leonard Scaper
  • Global Moderator
  • Executive Chef
  • *
  • *
  • Guest Chef

    • 3621


    • 1125
    • Yesterday at 23:23:32
    • Terra Firma
  • more
Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #12 on: August 06, 2019, 13:53:09
Constructive feedback is more useful than compliments. Cheers  ::e-guitar3::

Amen


  • Mar T.
  • Senior Site Administrator
  • Michelin Starred Chef
  • *
  • *
  • Pay it forward! (watch that movie..)

    • 6512


    • 1658
    • Today at 11:55:01
    • Duiven
    • http://twitter.com/MartiMediaSC http://www.facebook.com/MartiMedia http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zEBmQkchurQ https://soundcloud.com/martimedia
  • more
Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #13 on: August 07, 2019, 00:08:47
Hi @irwin , wow, enjoyed listening to this gem! You're asking for feedback so I'll give
some, just from my POV (which is highly subjective of course).
For me all the ingredients are there. There's a great instrumental, a fantastic vocal track,
and a production. Main concerns to me were that the ingredients didn't blend together like you
(might) have intended. In the instrumental the different layers seemed to be (too) seperated..
A bit of glue (mastering reverb) might help to glue it all together, including the vocal track.
The vocal track and the instrumental seemed to be a bit disconnected harmony wise. The vocal
melody is outstanding imo, but the instrumental 'base' (harmony wise) seems to be a bit shallow.
I believe this track can be improved a lot by adding richer harmonies in the instrumental track.
But hey, that's just my guts feelings. Don't take me wrong, I looooved listening to your creation
and imo it works.. Now I'm curious.. Did you recognise the pointers in my feedback? And does
your creation sound like you intended it? Let me know.. Always here to help.
Thanks for sharing!!
Cheers, Love and Peace,
Mar T.
:mart:
I'm proud of this track, check it out! https://soundcloud.com/martimedia/dreams


  • irwin
  • Patissier
  • *
  • Karma hunter

    • 88


    • 16
    • August 19, 2019, 15:45:35
  • more
Re: Lonely Fool
Reply #14 on: August 14, 2019, 16:35:05
@irwin Very nice vocal on a very electronic production. This could work very well, but the vocal timing should be worked on. I suggest that you take the vocal track, then cut the phrases and some of the stressed units loose from it, and move them in yout edit so that the accents of each phrase coincides with a beat. I think that will work miracles.

Each syllable is like a drum beat. A stressed one is a downbeat.

In the 2nd part of the track, I'd add a thumpy kick drum, so that you get some sturdy pacing.

I am not sure if you need to work on the effects, but when commenters suggest this, they may have a point. It could be worth a try, indeed.

Thank you Pleudoniem for your valuable comment and advice.

"Each syllable is like a drum beat. A stressed one is a downbeat"... This I will always remember.

Please feel free to comment on any other Song that I may post here in the future.

Irwin



xx
Sometimes I Get Lonely in Your Love

Started by Mutrins on Songs for review

19 Replies
698 Views
Last post January 06, 2019, 00:58:57
by Mutrins
xx
lonely guitar track seeks song

Started by DanJames on Collaborations

4 Replies
599 Views
Last post March 18, 2018, 22:52:23
by MrBouzouki
xx
Fool Enough

Started by Wicked Deeds on Songs for review

9 Replies
643 Views
Last post November 09, 2013, 17:48:52
by Wicked Deeds
xx
Phillippe - The Fool

Started by phillippeo on Songs for review

10 Replies
701 Views
Last post January 17, 2016, 05:39:22
by Rabid Parrot
xx
New Song - Fool No More

Started by Christy on Songs for review

20 Replies
809 Views
Last post November 06, 2017, 22:17:22
by jamesforster