New song "Under a Bridge" roughdraft, questions, and an experience.

Hello all!  I hope you're all well.  I wanted to share this with you:  So I went to the mall last night looking for a birthday present.  My husband and son went to a different store and left me to look at the women's things, and as I was shopping, a man approached me.  He said he didn't mean to bother me, explained he was homeless, lost everything with a divorce and has not eaten in two days.  He said he was a vet, and he asked managers to help as well and nobody would help him. I had no cash, and truly wanted to help, but didn't want him following me to an atm either.  I said to him "let me talk to my husband".  I know my husband would've given him some cash.  Before I finished the word "husband" he gave me a frustrated wave and said "I'm going to the food court" and walked away.  I felt awful.  I also felt a little offended that he was perturbed with me. But I think it was due to all of the rejection he experienced.  I didn't say no.  I called my husband, but no answer.  Maybe 15 minutes later my husband and son showed up,  I explained what happened, and we figured the guy was gone (food court upstairs and other side of the mall from where I was) but my husband said "can't save the world, honey".  A few thoughts I had as I reran the scenario in my head as we were driving home....he had clean new boots on, he didn't look unshaven and had three scabs on his face.  I had my doubts, but I still felt he was sincere. Could be donations, shower at the ymca, who knows.  I still felt bad.  I wondered where he goes, sleeps etc.  It made me sad.  So I wrote this song.  Of course I embellished and got creative with the lyrics, but that's where it came from.  So the questions are... should it be "Under the Bridge" or "Under A Bridge".  It seems a little slow to me, and the final lines at the end I'm thinking could be stronger.  Any suggestions would be great!  And I just recorded it roughly, after only one cup of coffee, so excuse the vocal/guitar.  Lyrics follow:

Excuse me ma'am, I don't like to ask
Could you spare a five, or just a dollar
cause it's been two days
since I last ate

Lost my wife and I lost my job
Nobody's givin' a dime or a damn
and it's cold today
it's cold today

FIRST CHORUS:

How do I live?
under a bridge
Hard to rely on
people to give
I fought with my life on the line
to come home to this
I've been livin
under a bridge

I don't drink but it sure sounds good
when ya can't find warmth
in a city where nobody
looks my way
under that highway

I know Jesus, pretty well
I've got three best friends in the ground
and they're waitn up there
I tell 'em how much I miss 'em
how much I care

SECOND CHORUS:

When I'm prayin'
under a bridge
the words I'm sayin'
might not mean a bit
But I sware to you
that I'm a good man
even if
I've been  livin'
under a bridge

(break)

Wildflowers growin in the summer sun
around four gravestones
I knew he went back home
where he was safe and warm

I know Jesus pretty well
I see the old newspapers and a cross
painted on the inside
of the tunnel where I cried

FINAL CHORUS:

I've been prayin
under a bridge
the words I'm sayin
might not mean a bit
He fought with his life on the line
to go home
and he is
He was waiting
under a bridge
Just waiting
under a bridge

https://soundcloud.com/kellyannegsongs/under-a-bridge

The most common mistake people make when Reading/listening to my lyrics is about exactly this thing.
That I write I doesn’t mean that the I is me, if you know what I mean.
They won’t make that mistake with you explanation, I guess.
And you did it twice over. You @Kellyanneg put yourself in someone else’s shoes in the most beautiful and human way possible.
Song to die for  too. Love the way the sentence goes unexpectedly on and the notes go up......
I could get used to this kind of class!
Keep them coming please.
I love it to pieces.
Kind regards, Gus

@LePlongeur Wow! Thank you!! 

I think this song is SERIOUSLY good. The song structure is excellent.....it has a real professional feel to it. Seriously. This could be a big hit some day. 

Great lyrics with a fantastic back story.

I also love the way you perform it in this down and dirty recording.

@Leonard Scaper  well you guys have put sunshine in my day!!! So much appreciation for your awesome compliments. Thank you for listening! So leave as-is?? 😁

I wouldn't mess with it. it's strong....it works.

Lovely song @Kellyanneg - beautiful folky / country feel to it and the sentiment comes across beautifully ! You have a gorgeous voice! Brava!

K

Hi Kelly
You have, indeed, shown the qualities of a lyricist and anthropologist - turning the mundane life of this man into a song. 

But  LePlongeur is wrong to say that you put yourself in someone else's shoes.   And Leonard is wrong to say it'll be a big hit one day... does this mean we celebrate that people are homeless? 

The lyrics are perfect.  The recording seems to rejoice; seems to be happy?  But why?

I suggest this.  Take your acoustic guitar  and iPhone... and sit under a freeway bridge or outside a 7-Eleven (when it's shut).... and sing this song without the pomp and comfort of your home.   Sing this song on a cold dark night.  Alone. Cold. And hungry.

That will be a song that has meaning.

J.

@Leonard Scaper thank you! Will leave it alone 😁  @Zedd thank you for listening and your kind words! @jmacdon I'm sorry if you feel offended by my song, but thank you for your insight.

Hey @jmacdon ......I see your perspective and you may be right. This song might be too edgy for country radio.....maybe

But I'm listening again here in my studio as I write this and I'm hearing  musical changes and a vocal performance that immediately grab my attention and then, when my attention goes right to the lyrics, I'm hearing a heartfelt and honest lament that feels as if it was torn right from reality. This song has substance. It paints a picture of life, such as it is, and @Kellyanneg sings it with the emotion that the subject matter requires.

I'm not hearing "happy" in this performance....I'm hearing a desperate reach for strength in the face of overwhelming odds. Listen to how she ends it and tell me you don't feel the empathy in her voice.

Good idea for the song's video, btw.....if done respectfully. I would seriously re-record this song for a little better fidelity and shop it hard as a demo.

I think that, done right, a song like this can really touch people by reaching through their defenses and making them look at a subject that doesn't see enough light. There have been other songs like this that made it big. I'm thinking about "Ode To Billie Joe" by Bobbie Gentry

You have every  right in the world to tell us what you think @jmacdon .
But this is exactly what I had in mind when I tried to tell about the interpretation of I (biographical) and I (autobiographical). We’re storytellers remember?

I don’t have to jump off a bridge to know how cold the water is and how slim my chances are of surviving. The same goes for snorting, shooting heroin, you name it...

The thought that we should suffer for our art is about 100 years old.
I can see the merit in registering what goes on. Better still, if there is a way to suggest how things can be bettered that’s a great plus, because that’s the reason occupy so miserably failed.

A subtle display of compassion is what a lot of people find heart warming and that is exactly what @Kellyanneg did.

From what I think and see, no one has to apologize for a song.
Needless to say I still like it a lot.
Kind regards, Gus

Another great song @Kellyanneg 

It’s heartfelt and reading the backstory added more visual aid (read the lyrics first though...)

As for the lyric debate I’m not really qualified. My opinion nonetheless in regards to using “a” vs “the”, I’m voting for an “a”. The “the” would (to me, non-English speaker) suggest that one would know something about this bridge and that it would be referenced in some way in other parts of the song, but the way it is, it gives me a chance to paint my own scene and that works better IMHO. Don’t change the lyrics...

The song and performance has class and with this song and all the others I’ve heard so far, it also holds star qualities that most people would stand in line for to achieve and/or listen to. In my eyes (and ears) your music is already up there with Emmy Lou, Tina T and many others. Don’t know for how long you’ve been writing songs, but whatever you do, don’t stop.

Can’t wait until the music is available with a little better audio, would like to hear it loud and clear   

 
/Micke

@Layerson Hello!     Thank you so much, for listening, reading, encouraging...I agree with the "A".  So "A" it is.       I am a living room writer and dreamer...I've always loved writing, it's my favorite thing to do.  I have held on to your advice and suggestions, and when I take over our son's room this summer, blankets are going up!  I am so appreciative of the kind words from this group.  I catch my boys and force them to stand still for four minutes to listen sometimes, but other than soundcloud and now here, that's as far as I've gotten. 
Thank you sincerely!  I hope you are well.

Hi @Kellyanneg .... first I'd like to say before even listening - I admire you! You love music. You turn the world into art. And like the friends I'm meeting all around the globe you find such real joy in music creation. (I'm saying this because I'm essentially numb. I feel like music's battered wife ... I love it so much that I hate it.... oh well enough about me....point is I want to be like you.)
Now on listening: awesome verse, awesome lyrics and I love the guitar and humming part after the chorus. The chorus melody to me sounds a little too pleasant .... Maybe almost joyful (here I'm complaining about what I just complimented you on?....) ... which might not be appropriate to the subject matter. But, it sounds really good! You deliver songs with joy in your singing style.  Maybe you could adjust the key so it isn't in that power range for you? Use more of a descending pattern of notes in the word painting?

You're calling it a rough draft so .... whatever you think.
I like it as is but you could play around with it a bit.

Either way ... Good show!
-11

Well this is a bit of a rough diamond. Your voice sounds like it could provide enough warmth for a subway full of of dossers, and the lyrics torture my conscience enough to raid my piggy bank and give all the foreign coins to charity.
Yeah its a moral dilemma, is he bullshitting you or is he genuine? Personally I think it's better to give 'em some cash just to avoid the feelings of guilt if you don't. Hopefully he'll spend it on your new album. 
I think the last line should be 'Can I take 'em to the bridge'.