• Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
  • Started by George Karadimos
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Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
on: March 20, 2020, 23:07:38
Thanks in advance for any feedback. I hope everyone is safe out there.


VIDEO:
https://www.reverbnation.com/artist/video/16408024

and there's a recording attached. I apologize, I was experimenting with an autotune effect on the vocal that threw it out of tune in many places.


Here's the lyrics:

Happy?



Verse 1

Where is my valentine?

my little hard candy saying Be Mine

I still have the cards I got from you.

Whereís my pretty lady all dressed in green?

Iím in black and youíre pinching me

until I turn red, but now Iím feeling blue



Verse 2

Iím hollow like a chocolate Easter bunny

my basketís empty since you left me honey

I donít know what the fuck Iím supposed to do

Summertime Sadness just around the way

Iíll look for you in the crowd when I play

songs about a love that wasnít true.



Chorus A

Iíll end another year just passing through.

Happy New Year baby, I miss you.



Verse 3

I remember holding hands that Hallowís Eve

with a sexy little mouse I didnít wanna leave

the trick is to treat others like they should you

November 1, please go away, when the cats away the mice will play, you broke my fucking heart that day, and I loved you through it anyway, but babe itís what you didnít say.....



Chorus B

Iím thankful Iím not a fool. Happy New Year baby, Iím over you.

Iíll end another year just passing through.

Happy New Year people, I love you.


Singer/Songwriter
ZAGWAX - https://soundcloud.com/zagwax
Them F'n Guys - https://soundcloud.com/themfnguys


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Re: Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
Reply #1 on: March 21, 2020, 08:57:16
I like it. It's a classic storyline that you tell straight up with a good simple melody and a sincere delivery.
"The main thing is to have a gutsy approach....but use your head." Julia Child

 "In a world of robotic conformity, the only originality left in music is the imperfections" Eric Craptone

"Special thanks to Steve Gleason for making me who I am today." Leonard Scaper

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Re: Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
Reply #2 on: March 21, 2020, 09:07:02
Yes, I like it. Strong Vocal line and your voice suits it very well. Timing is a bit sloppy in some parts, but that's Live! Works for me.
I like this !!!!
OUR NEW CD ALL SHADES OF BLUE IS OUT NOW:
https://www.blue-attitude.net/discography.html


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Re: Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
Reply #3 on: March 21, 2020, 09:20:49
Yes, sloppy, but so what.
If your intention is to make a new song audible, you succeeded.
If you want to convince the whole world to go out (.....) and buy your song, there's work to be done.
But hey, the first step is taken and the rest is up to you.

Kind regards @George Karadimos , Gus


Edit: Keep us waiting this long again and I personally substract 10 kudos!


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Re: Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
Reply #4 on: March 21, 2020, 13:49:13
Hi

I like this. It has a 70 soft rock feel.
Song Title: Happy

Lyric
Is my title interesting and unique? I like the title and think it's interesting.

Does my opening line grab the listenerís attention and make them want to hear more? The opening line sets up the scene well.

Does my first verse clearly communicate the characters, context and setting so that the listener can follow along? And does it set up my chorus and title well? The first verse opens with a question.
Does my chorus communicate the big idea well? yes she left you. You want the chorus to be the summary of the main idea or emotion, while the verses sketch in the details.

Do my second verse  take the big idea farther? The second verse stays in similar territory to the first, so would recommend figuring out what story line would further the song and introduce a new idea or emotion.

Is my lyric something an artist would want to sing? I think the idea is a relatable one, just needs some work on the execution.

Are there any red flags lyrically that would make this hard to pitch? Not red flags just need story development.  I enjoyed your singing and playing.  Good job

Happy writing
Redlady


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Re: Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
Reply #5 on: March 21, 2020, 17:06:48
Hi

I like this. It has a 70 soft rock feel.
Song Title: Happy

Lyric
Is my title interesting and unique? I like the title and think it's interesting.

Does my opening line grab the listenerís attention and make them want to hear more? The opening line sets up the scene well.

Does my first verse clearly communicate the characters, context and setting so that the listener can follow along? And does it set up my chorus and title well? The first verse opens with a question.
Does my chorus communicate the big idea well? yes she left you. You want the chorus to be the summary of the main idea or emotion, while the verses sketch in the details.

Do my second verse  take the big idea farther? The second verse stays in similar territory to the first, so would recommend figuring out what story line would further the song and introduce a new idea or emotion.

Is my lyric something an artist would want to sing? I think the idea is a relatable one, just needs some work on the execution.

Are there any red flags lyrically that would make this hard to pitch? Not red flags just need story development.  I enjoyed your singing and playing.  Good job

Happy writing
Redlady

I love your comment a lot @Redlady , I always tell the Young (sometimes Very Young) people I get involved with as a volunteer to analyse what they are doing and pay extra attention to title and first four lines.

I break my own rules too often but hey, have you ever seen the gardenerís garden?
I really hope @George Karadimos takes your advice at heart if he wants to pursue this.
Kind regards, Gus


Re: Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
Reply #6 on: March 21, 2020, 18:47:31
Hey @George Karadimos  Ö. I think this is a great idea for a song.
I like the imagery of the small candy hearts and the written messages and the concept of going through the whole year. The chorus seems pretty strong.
The 3rd verse might be little much Ö. maybe it could be a bridge instead? Ö. but since you mentioned November I still have to give it a thumbs up!  :) :ok:
Bill
Songwriter, Keyboards, Arranger, Producer & Engineer for November Sound

November Sound is based on the Mother, Father & Son musical trio of Melissa, Bill & Will. I'm the father so anything I post will have my wife singing and/or my son playing percussion.


Re: Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
Reply #7 on: March 22, 2020, 08:24:55
Hey George, you got that bardy potential. Your voice has it and your lyrics too. But there is as others said still work to be done. If you meant this video to get your message accross to your lost valentine it might serve the purpose. You placed yourself in the stale setting of last night's fight and personal desolation. If you want to reach a wider public I would advise you to start with an audio recording so that you can concentrate on vocals and guitar. Don't let video kill the radio star.
If you dig it, do it. If you dig it a lot, do it twice (Jim Croce).


Re: Please Review - the working title is -Happy?
Reply #8 on: March 25, 2020, 03:08:50
Thank you guys for the feedback. I know, it was a sloppy  video performance..I actually attached an audio recording to the bottom of the post initially, but I am currently working on a much better mix of the song.  It should be finished tomorrow...I'll post it on SoundCloud and link to it here, if anyone cares to listen.



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