• The naked
  • Started by shatiks
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The naked
on: June 14, 2022, 15:23:04
Summer theme - The naked (demo song)

The morning greets me happy by a warm blue ocean.
I notice easy movement and I feel devotion
My feelings like a clouds on the clear waves.
I want to be with you and listen what you say. 
To be with you without these empty words conventions.
To find myself in you - deserve all your attention
Dissolving in the sand, in the quiet waves.
And sunbathe naked on this summer sunny days.

The naked
I'm sitting on an island
Naked
All I need  your smile. Dont hide it
All I need right now its being naked
The naked

The naked
All my feelings might be naked
All I need  your love. Dont hide it
All I need right now its being naked
The naked


The evening sang us a song about this new emotion.
We are lying on the sand and waiting life’s promotion
My feelings like a clouds on the clear waves.
I want to be with you and listen what you say. 
To stay with you. Without these empty words conventions.
To find myself in you - deserve all your attention
Dissolving in the sand, in the quiet waves.
And sunbathe naked on this summer sunny days.
https://soundcloud.com/yuriy-shatunski/the-naked?utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing
Shatiks


Re: The naked
Reply #1 on: June 30, 2022, 05:56:28
music is effing fun.  maybe less words per bar?


Re: The naked
Reply #2 on: June 30, 2022, 19:59:15
Really excellent songwriting, delivery and production @shatiks  :praise:

The guitar and vocal pairing are warm and pleasing and the percussion is a good fit.

I have a slightly different take on @thewinefestival comment about "too many words." There is the "wordy" verse and then the "not wordy" chorus. Both work and they are a great contrast to each other that keeps the song moving. The percussion is doing the same thing... "lots of beats" in the verse and "less beats" in the chorus... which also works... However! The "lots of beats" are competing with the "wordy" lyric.

When that little "dribble" on the snare comes in after the chorus it sounds GREAT! but it quickly becomes repetitive and fights with the lyrics. Maybe just chop a few of those out after the first couple of bars?

Also, the ending was a bit abrupt... otherwise a truly fantastic piece of songwriting! ::thumb:: ::thumb:: ::thumb::


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Re: The naked
Reply #3 on: June 30, 2022, 20:30:53
@thewinefestival
Maybe you are right. But at this stage of my English, so far it works like this) If you have the time and desire, perhaps you can tell me how to condense the text here?  I'll be glad to cooperate!


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Re: The naked
Reply #4 on: June 30, 2022, 20:44:51
@1roomstudio
Thank you for the broad analysis of this composition. I thought the same thing when I created the song structure.  But I do go a little bit overboard in the verses, and it feels that way.  Hopefully soon I'll learn to use fewer words in songs like this. I don't know. But I'm trying. In my native language it is not as difficult as in English)


Re: The naked
Reply #5 on: June 30, 2022, 21:44:41
Just to clarify @shatiks I think the words are fine... its the snare beats that I'm suggesting be cut back a bit, after the first bar or two into the verse. This will give the words a bit of space to be heard better.

But since you brought up your use of English... here are a few things I noticed:

"The" Naked... In English, putting "The" in front of Naked is awkward, unless you are referring to a group of naked people. I believe you are referring to your self "being" Naked. Just the word "Naked" expresses that perfectly. Or maybe you could say "I'm Naked" or even "Being Naked" to differentiate from when you use the work "naked" by itself.

Also "a clouds" should either be "a cloud" (singular) or "clouds" (plural) ... I believe you mean "clouds."

And... "this summer sunny days." better to say "this summer sunny day." (singular) or "these summer sunny days." (plural) depending on your intent.

Really superb lyrics overall... not "too many words" ... not at all! :thumbsup:



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