• The Water
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The Water
on: September 21, 2013, 09:20:57
Looking for some advice on a song I am about to record

It's a weird one but I will explain more later - does it work , would you change anything ?


The water

At night, in this city without stars
I went down to the water and told the moon, I hurt
I prayed all night, I talked to the water
I know it's coming , I know it's here

At night, in this chaos and disorder
I went down to your graveside , you told me everything
I listened all night, I bathed in the water
I know it's coming , I know it's here

At night, in this world without endings
I went down to your bedside and told you everything
I watched you slip away : return to the water
I know it's here , I know it's here

In the end we all return to the water
I have no fear , I have no fear


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Re: The Water
Reply #1 on: September 21, 2013, 09:29:57
Hi Kaf

Of course it works!  It's wide open to interpretation - very thought provoking.  I really enjoyed reading the lyrics.  It will be interesting to hear the music.

Paul


Re: The Water
Reply #2 on: September 21, 2013, 09:59:34
Hey Kaf,

It works for me, it's quite mournful but remains ambiguous, lots of nice imagery with the city and the water. The only thing which makes me slightly confused, in V2 you visit the graveside, then in V3 you visit the bedside. Might this be better the other way around to hint at a progression in the story, ie, that the subject of the song has passed away? It may be totally wrong to how you intended, if so just ignore me  :)

I like the last part, returning to the water, I like these references to the circle of life in songs, I've tried it a few times myself.



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Re: The Water
Reply #3 on: September 21, 2013, 10:23:41
I agree with , if you switched those two verses it would allow your verses to build better upon themselves.

As it is it seems short but of course the arrangement you have in mind for it will most likely make my comment redundant.  Love the opening line. It's a dark song and no doubt will be a slow one sung with emotion. Looking forward to it.

Good strong lyric mate.

Allan.
Part time musician, photographer, astronomer, computer pragramer and husband.


Re: The Water
Reply #4 on: September 21, 2013, 10:57:51


  Hey Kaf,

  A lovely piece of writing.  It stands up as a very powerful poem as it is I think. Don't know if putting this to music would make the message any more powerful.  But what do I know ;D ;D ;D

  Will be interesting to see how you handle this musically.  It's very deep and dark ;D ;D

  Nice work Kaf



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Re: The Water
Reply #5 on: September 21, 2013, 12:35:09
Thank you guys ,

I am going to swap verse 2 and 3 around - I can totally see how that made sense - although it was 2 different people that I had in my head I do think it's flows better

I am friends with Crowded House's / Neil Finn's manager on Facebook - I took an option to become a lifetime member of the fan club about 10 years ago - it was about ?15

He sends me lots of rare CDs , DVDs - you get banned if you re sell them

Anyway he posted a picture of a poster from San Fransico - it contained a poem

At night in this noisy city without stars
I went down to the water and told the moon, I hurt

So after a lot of googling I found the poet and we chatted online an he said that was the whole poem - so I made the rest up

I now have a mid 8

In this noisy city , this noisy city with stars
I went down to the water and told the moon , I hurt

So both the poet and CH manager are keen to hear the song - it started in San fransico went to New Zealand and was finished in Scotland

I think it's sounding great - will post soon!

Thanks for the great feedback   ;D


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Re: The Water
Reply #6 on: September 21, 2013, 12:41:15
wow, exciting

great lyrics, hope to hear the music soon!!!!
me, myself, and Pie


Re: The Water
Reply #7 on: September 21, 2013, 12:44:22
OMG Andy, that's really cool  :o

How exciting, I'm really looking forward to hearing this one..


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Re: The Water
Reply #8 on: September 23, 2013, 18:37:08
Hi Kaf, you know i want to give you constructive feedback, but is just beautiful i think,
and i cannot suggest any chance, i am trilled by these lyrics....thisis going to be BIG


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Re: The Water
Reply #9 on: October 09, 2013, 22:04:01
These lyrics are so intriguing...... It's a dark little micro story, beautifully told, with no ending, i don't know where it's headed off to next. I love it!

Think i might dare to buck the trend though and say that i think the order of the verses should stay as it is........almost precisely because it's the wrong order. You've got a moon with no stars, you've talked about the chaos and disorder, you've got someone talking to you from their grave, and you've come from listening all night by a graveside to realising that this world has no endings...... So i think it's right that there's that continuance of life after death.

Just a thought.........it's going to be absolutely beautiful either way.


Re: The Water
Reply #10 on: October 10, 2013, 16:28:29
Poetic lyrics indeed - very profound and universal. With a start like that, you've really put the pressure on yourself to come up with a melody and production to match. We're waiting..... :)



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